BY MIA FREEDMAN
So I bought these undies. Look, it was bound to happen, me telling you about my underwear in this column. It’s actually surprising I waited this long but it’s been over a month now so I think we can officially dispense with the formalities. I promise to keep it SFW: Safe For Weekends.
A while back, I had a weekend sick in bed (not to be confused with a ‘sick weekend in bed’ which is how someone under 25 might describe the first 48hours of a new relationship). To pass the time, I did some online shopping at Victoria’s Secret where I bought half a dozen pairs of brightly coloured knickers.
By the time they arrived a few weeks later, I was no longer feverish and had totally forgotten buying them. After several confusing moments wondering who’d sent me undies at work, I remembered it was me and excitedly inspected my new purchase.
Fortunately, I don’t work in law, finance, education or politics so I’m able to wave my underpants about my office and at first glance it seemed I’d bought well. One pair had a cute pineapple print on them. Another pair was a cheery shade of fluro orange.
[Is anyone still reading? I promise this goes somewhere].
“Look” I said to my colleagues, “aren’t they cute?” But as I held them out in front of me for show and tell, I inhaled sharply.
Because the pair of undies with the pineapple print? On the back were the words “TAKE A BITE” in giant glittery black letters . And the orange knickers had “I LIKE IT HOT” printed in equally shouty font across the bum.
Oh no. Rookie error. So now what to do? Because sure, while they weren’t actually crotchless or edible, I would never have knowingly bought sexually suggestive underwear.
Reading that sentence back, I suddenly feel about 85.
The thing is though, I have children, one of whom just started to read. Another is a teenager. And I don’t think their mental health will be enhanced by Mummy announcing that she likes it hot and asking to be bitten on the arse. There’s only so much therapy available in the world and any child of mine will already have a lot of it to look forward to. ‘Sorry-about-that-time-I–forgot-to-pick-you-up-from-school’ etc.
With the offending undies shoved in a drawer, I realised they symbolise a rarely discussed issue: how do you reconcile the duelling identities of mother and woman? A woman who might like to wear raunchy knickers, have sex on the kitchen table or sext the new guy she’s dating.
As many parents have discovered, once your children are mobile, sexual activity of any kind becomes challenging. Babies are born with an in-built sonar to detect any parental stirrings and interrupt them immediately so as to reduce the likelihood of siblings.