The Twins recap Married at First Sight: A dinner party turns... violent.

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SHHH tonight is the first dinner party of the season and yes we’ve called in sick for work tomorrow in frantic anticipation.

But as the couples make their way back to Sydney from various budget honeymoon locations, we notice something distressing.

While we’re shown footage of Qantas aircrafts, implying Australia’s premier carrier is Channel 9’s airline of choice, we notice that on the plane, Evarn and Aleks are sitting in seats that unmistakably belong to Virgin.

John Aiken, please. You're better than this.  

Speaking of Aleks, she's nervous that Evarn will embarrass her at the dinner party and omg same.

Over at Hayley's apartment, she explains that she's been having some 'Me Time' which surely isn't the point of this particular program but okay.

Meanwhile, David won't shut up about how he doesn't see a "single glimmer of hope" with Hayley because she "lacks moral fibre" and speaking of fibre. 

It's time we talk about the unconfirmed poo-ey toothbrush incident.

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There's a rumour (it's not a rumour).

We might question its validity (we would never) but we have seen the video because we do God's work.

Look. According to some award-winning investigative reporting, at some point during the season David gets Hayley's toothbrush and smears it with poo poo from the toilet bowl and then returns it to its holder. 

The footage is then allegedly shown to all the contestants at the very end and can you even imagine. 

Point is, every time we see David's face we can't focus because we don't know whether the Poo-ey Toothbrush Incident has happened yet or if we're waiting for it and we haven't slept in 7 nights do you understand?

But there are bigger concerns (there's not).

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We are only an hour out from the dinner party and people keep eating?? And it's like, you're going to spoil your dinner??? That John Aiken prepared????

Someone is going to announce that "DINVER IS SARVED" in a fake European accent and you're going to be like "No thanks already ate"????

We'll accept a poo-ey toothbrush but that's just... rude.

The experts are now set up in their cupboard to spy on the contestants as they arrive at the dinner party. Spotting Mishel and Steve, John Aiken remarks, "There's a bit of charm about Steve..." and SHUT UP MATE HE'S YOUR DAD.

When Michael arrives with Stacey, he's very excited about his new relationship and tells the closest camera, "We need to bump into those experts and say you're getting a payrise, you're getting a payrise, you're getting a payrise," and sweetie, there's a woman who's consumed actual faecal matter who would seriously disagree with that assessment.

As Aleks and Evarn arrive fully dressed and conversing with one another, John Aiken is shocked. "GOOD MATCH," he yells at the screen, while sweating profusely. Mel can be heard whispering, "John, I thought you said they were meant to be the joke match..." and John snaps, while making eye contact with the camera, "Mel please there are no joke matches, every match is 100% real and based on science."

Hayley is the last to turn up (due to issues pertaining to her toothbrush), and declares, "I'm not backwards in coming forwards and you're going to see my true colours," and why does literally everyone on this show speak like they're being interviewed after a footy semi-final.

"DINVAR IS SERVAD," shouts a man who isn't paid nearly enough and great now everyone can have their second dinner.

An unlikely conversation takes places between Sir Steve Aiken and Hayley. "We've had a disagreeance..." Hayley confides in this gentleman who she is certain is expert John Aiken.

She didn't realise there would be a complimentary psychology session at the dinner table but, you know, if John's right here, she's up for it.

"I'm no bloody expert I know that," Steve says but no seriously you need to clarify that with Hayley because she thinks you are.

But then a question emerges from the other end of the table and we GASP. Audibly.

"Do you get told you look like John a lot? The expert?" Aleks asks, mostly because they're physically identical and no one has said shit about it. 

"DO I?" Steve responds uncomfortably, aware that his cover has been blown.

"You are his twin," someone else adds.

"Yeah you actually do look like him," another remarks, and John is going to get in so much trouble when Channel Nine realises he forced his (married) father to participate in his (fake) experiment.

John dabs sweat from his hairline, before joking that Steve's hair is "on fire" and "on point" and don't try to distract us from the biggest conspiracy...

SHUT UP HAYLEY WANTS TO TALK TO DAVID IN PRIVATE AND DON'T DO IT HE PUT YOUR TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TOILET.

She's been swayed by Steve's (terrible) advice that she could give things another go, which she has interpreted to mean she should be with him. Physically. Immediately.  

"I'M NOT A QUITTA I'M A FIGHTA I'M A LOVA" she preaches to a camera before accidentally scratching David's face in an attempt to kiss him.

"PICK ME UP" she demands and holy shit no why this isn't the time. 

We're mortified. Which is only compounded by Evarn asking Aleks if she thinks all the other couples are jealous of them and her responding: "No. Don't think so."

As Hayley sits down, Evarn thinks he'd like to get to know this nice lady so tells "BIG HAYLEY" that she's the "TALK OF THE TOWN" and asks two centimetres from her face "WHAT'S GOING ON".

This is what Aleks meant. About embarrassing her. At the dinner party.

But luckily Hayley handles it really well by calling him a "little weasel" followed by a "f****** c***"

Okay, firstly, Steve Aiken doesn't like this, and secondly, Hayley pls, not in front of Connie.

Jonethen tries to calmly explain to Hayley that Evarn being 'slimey' is just... Evarn, and honestly, somehow we're Team Evarn which are two words we never thought we'd write.

To stop Evarn from being murdered, Steve Aiken stands to make a toast and abruptly end the dinner party.

"I'd just like to say on behalf of myself and John, my son, it's been lovely to meet you all," he announces and Sir perhaps you could tell us more about the poo-ey toothbrush?

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: When sex is a very bad idea.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: The worst match in all of history. 

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.