‘My husband just discovered Keeping Up With The Kardashians and his texts got… weird.’

March 27 should have been a day like any other: I was working, I had happily consumed two coffees and was enjoying a playlist filled with every single one of Taylor Swift’s biggest hits.

Things were going fine, until I received a text from my husband, who was away travelling for work.

“I’m watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians right now.”

I knew in that moment that my life would never be the same.

Having worked in the celebrity and entertainment sphere for nearly our whole relationship, the Kardashians are no strangers to our marriage. My husband has listened to me cancel plans with friends because Kylie Jenner decided to reveal she’d given birth to baby Stormi in complete secrecy.

Jess Clark Josh Clark
Before he discovered the Kardashians...things were much simpler then.

He's heard the alarm on my phone go off at the most inconvenient of intervals because it was "time to tune into the episode where Kim talks about being robbed in Paris".

He's even collected my Kylie Jenner lip kit deliveries from the lobby of our apartment building.

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But we've never sat and watched an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians together. Mostly because he has a tendency to get... obsessed.

Like the time I decided to binge-watch all of Gossip Girl and was told, after three episodes, I was no longer allowed to watch it without him because "I need to know what happens to Serena and Dan".

(Sometimes, out of nowhere, he'll express his disappointment that "Dan was Gossip Girl the entire time".)

LISTEN: Khloe Kardashian gave tips on how to make yourself look thin AF. And yes, it's problematic. Post continues after audio...

I'd decided that the Kardashian Klan and my husband were two of my passions that I very much wanted to keep separate. I wanted this to be something I could enjoy, by myself. So when I got that text, I froze.

I didn't have much time to think about the consequences of his viewing habits, because soon my phone was blowing up with all sorts of "revelations" he was having about the show.

"OMG I just learned about Brody Jenner..." he wrote, while I was knee-deep writing a story about a woman who'd used her hair dryer to crisp the skin of her roast chicken.

"How many people are in this freakin' family?"

Not wanting to get into the complicated and twisted tree that is the Kardashian-Jenner family, I simply wrote: "Yeah, he is Caitlyn's son".

"Yeah I just googled him."

Oh dear God NO.

"He was on The Hills... he dated Lauren Conrad," he wrote to me, a fact which I already knew because WE WATCHED IT TOGETHER.

via GIPHY

"I can't remember if I like Audrina [Patridge] or Lauren more," he mused, before adding: "Audrina was like you, so I think I liked Lauren."

I... I have no idea what that even means. And, for the record, his favourite was Audrina. I know this because I WAS THERE.

Audrina Patridge Lauren Conrad.
He liked Audrina. Trust me. Image via Getty.

But the texts didn't stop there, despite my efforts to tell him I was "busy working" and "needed to get ready to go to drinks with a friend".

"This is just such great content...it's brainless," he said.

"You can just kick back in at any time for a little bit of drama, like Khloe having 'several thousand dollars worth of jewellery stolen' from her house after her and Lamar split up.

"I think Lamar stole it."

It's hard to believe, but then things got... even more bizarre.

Josh Kardashian texts
Make. It. Stop.

"I think that married couples can learn a lot from Kourtney in letting Scott make his own mind up about putting a helicopter landing pad in the backyard."

Wait, what?! We've been married for six years and never have we once had a discussion about helicopter landing pads or where they should go. (And even if we did, I can only guess it would never, ever be allowed to be in our own backyard).

As soon as one of my husband's (many many) thoughts finished, another was quickly sent through.

"Don't even get me started about autocorrect trying to spell all their names with a 'C' instead of a 'K'.... and the only responsible and level-headed person on this show is Scott.

"He is actually super nice."

via GIPHY

"This show needs more Kendall... is she too busy for her family or something?! Oh now they are writing down their dream family holidays....and Kim is talking about how excited she is about making a selfie book for Kanye.

"WTF?!"

By this stage, I had muted the conversation (sorry babe). Three hours later, the 'Kardashian stream of consciousness' had stopped, but my weekend plans were already set in stone.

"We're watching this on the weekend," he wrote.

The things you do for the ones you love, right?

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