For God's sake, don't take your child out to dinner.
Don't take her to a restaurant.
Or drag him to a cafe.
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Don't make a barista froth some hot milk for a luke-warm, embarrassingly-named kiddie-drink.
Don't ask if there's a kids' menu after scouring the appetiser list for nuggets and chips that aren't made from sweet potato.
And for crying out loud, don't be that mum who's searching the bathrooms for a highchair.
Or a dad who's wondering where the hell you're going to change this squirming, smelly mess when the Gents is so tiny.
It's not that hard. Just don't take kids out to eat.
Because, if you do... someone might see them.
Someone might hear them.
Someone might need to move their chair ever so slightly from where they'd carefully placed it so you can squeeze past them with your pram.
Someone might feel like maybe they should bend down and pick up that crayon your child dropped near their feet.
Someone might see you hand your kid an iPhone for a few minutes while you talk to your partner and they feel the need to judge you for it. So unfair of you to put that on them.
Listen to Holly Wainwright on This Glorious Mess. Post continues below.
If you have a baby, it might cry. It just might. Babies do. And no-one else deserves to have their ears deal with a worrying change of pitch for exactly the amount of time it takes you to jiggle something in front of them/stick something in their mouths/comfort them with a cuddle. That's way too long.
Your kid might spill something. Which is different from if an adult spills something, because children are definitely doing it on purpose.
Your child might try to make eye-contact with a stranger at the next table.
They might even try to smile at them. Or wave.