'How dare you.' Just 11 questions I have for Emily after watching Emily in Paris season 2.

Note: This article contains spoilers for season two of Emily in Paris. Given that precisely none of us are watching the show for its plot, I doubt this will be a problem. 

For reasons I don't think I'll ever fully understand, I've just finished watching season two of Emily in Paris. 

While it's now a cliché to point out the extent to which this show a) doesn't make sense, b) profoundly misrepresents Paris and French people, and c) is the perfect example of how insufferable Americans are overseas, I'm left with questions. Many of them. And most of them directed at Emily, personally. 

So, in the same vein as Emily's appallingly lazy, grammatically incorrect and non-apologetic letter to Camille, here's what I'd like to say to the woman who went to Paris solely to offend the owners of luxury brands and ruin people's lives.

1. You're terrible at your job, and also, what is it?

I understand that the first part of that sentence isn't a question, but it needed to be said. You have really complex relationships with all your clients? And are always just on the edge of losing them entirely?

According to a direct quote from you, you're an 'account executive' at a 'marketing firm', but all you do is receive free things, go to events, and cause problems.

Emily in Paris taught me it was ok to be bad at my job

— MIAMI BAHE (@brian_bahe) December 28, 2021

You also appear to be the social media manager for your clients which is an entirely different job, and don't even get me started on your Instagram fame because I do not have the time. 

....

2. Why are you always overdressed?

I don't want to sound petty (jks yes I do) but you're never appropriately dressed for the occasion. 

Specimen a:

I'm sorry, is this a period film?

Specimen b:

It's a hungover Sunday on a weekend away. Why do you look like you're going to a wedding?

Specimen c:

???

You need like... jeans. And a jumper. And maybe a pair of Birkenstocks. 

On a related note:

3. How dare you pretend a man's jacket and no pants is an outfit

It is not, and you know this.

For some reason, you think it's a crime to steal from a department store with your friend from French class, but not a crime to steal an innocent man's jacket (and phone) AND show your vagina in public.

'Omg I actually look really good.'

You need to be arrested.

4. Are we seriously meant to believe you're a hard worker because you wanted to spray champagne in Saint-Tropez on a Saturday?

Precisely... nothing about your lifestyle suggests you're a particularly hard worker.

In that you're never working and you're always sleeping with someone you shouldn't be. 

Yet when you go to Saint-Tropez for the weekend (FOR FREE, courtesy of a client you explicitly used for a free trip), we're meant to think you're a workaholic? Because you're keen to go to a restaurant that serves the champagne you're promoting, and will probably give it to you... for free. 

Take a break xxx

No, lady.

5. Why do you refuse to tell the truth?

It's incredibly exhausting. 

For example, it would've been really easy to explain to Alfie that you had previously slept with Gabriel? Like he wouldn't care? You could've also explained the entire Gabriel and Camille situation to him? The stakes were... really low. 

It's best to keep a secret for absolutely no reason.

But instead you didn't and then someone else told him and now it's an issue? Like what?

6. You do realise any friend would be mad about you sleeping with their boyfriend? Not just a French friend?

Mindy explains that Camille is French, which means she's particularly upset about Emily sleeping with her boyfriend. But... wait. 

In what... culture. Is it... ever okay... to make a friend, turn that friend's family business into a client of yours, comfort that friend through their break up telling them it's not too late to get back with their ex, and then be exposed as having been involved with their partner the whole time. 

Eugh.

There's no... cultural barrier. The Ancient Egyptians would've yelled at each other for that.

7. Why don't you have any self-control?

One episode after writing a letter to Camille apologising for hooking up with her boyfriend, you do this:

I wonder why Camille won't forgive you... weird.

...Why are you like this.

8. 'Illiterate sociopath' is the most appropriate and fitting description for a human being I've ever heard.

Less of a question and more of a comment, but:

a) your letter was terrible, and I don't understand why you didn't either have a French person proofread it, or just... write it in English. Given Camille speaks fluent English, and your entire friendship has been conducted in English. You literally didn't say a clear 'I'm sorry, I did the wrong thing' OR explain yourself, which I thought was the entire point of the letter. 

b) you're a sociopath in that you made a friend in Paris and then slept with her brother and her boyfriend and then lied about it, and then pretended to try to get them back together, before again declaring your love to him once he was back with your friend. You need to... stop. 

Years from now, people will study this. As superb scripting.

Which leads me to:

9. Wait, I thought you wanted Gabriel and Camille to get back together? For 10 episodes?

YOU FOLLOWED CAMILLE AROUND AND STOPPED HER FROM HOOKING UP WITH PEOPLE IN SAINT TROPEZ. BECAUSE YOU WANTED HER BACK WITH GABRIEL.

Watch the trailer for Emily in Paris season two below. Post continues after video.

THEN YOU HOOK UP WITH HIM (AGAIN), AND GO TO HIS HOUSE TO TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM. And when it turns out he's back with Camille, YOU CRY.

Maybe you want to be with him now that you're staying in Paris for longer than a year but until now the problem was that you didn't want to hurt Camille? Sort your head out, lady.

10. Why is your hair plastic?

Look, this isn't the most urgent of problems but it doesn't move and it's disarming.

...Yes.

It's always professionally styled and I don't trust it.

11. Why is Gabriel never physically inside the restaurant, where he is allegedly a chef?

?

...

Sir.

...Please go inside.

And dear God stay away from Emily. 

She's an illiterate sociopath. 

For more from Clare Stephens and her pop culture commentary, you can follow her on Instagram or Tik Tok.