Australia and America have always had a pretty stable relationship.

Aside from a few minor cultural differences (women’s fundamental rights etc) we’ve always got each other’s backs.

Until now, that is.

You see, an American food journalist, James Park, has committed a crime that on Australian soil merits an AFP raid.

He has flipped a meat pie upside down.

What’s the solution? Flip the pie upside down. pic.twitter.com/r7gFL1Gvt6

— Eater (@Eater) June 4, 2019

He wrote all about the “method” for Eater, and offended precisely every Aussie.

You see, Australians have a very specific way of eating pies.

You might be at the canteen on a Saturday afternoon after an intense netball match, and decide to purchase a Four’n Twenty meat pie and a tomato sauce sachet for an extra 20 cents.

After removing the pastry lid off the pie, you squeeze the tomato sauce onto the meat, place the lid back on top, and eat the meat pie carefully – using gravity to ensure no meat spills all over your netty dress.

OR SO I ONCE THOUGHT.

It turns out there are multiple ways to consume a meat pie.

Multiple ~unAustralian~ ways, I might add.

There are five camps in the “meat pie eating” department, and most of them should not be legal.

1. Tomato sauce on top.

One camp of very basic people put tomato sauce on top of the pie, and then just bite into the pie like some sort of animal.

They will argue things like “gravity keeps the meat in” and “it’s the classy way” but we all know they are cowards.

2. Poking holes into the pie and squirting sauce in.

Firstly, what the hell.

Secondly, do people actually do this?

Apparently there is a camp of people who put the actual nozzle of a tomato sauce bottle THROUGH the pastry into the MEAT and SQUIRT.

They then “wipe the tomato sauce nozzle down” and I don’t believe it for a second.

These are the sort of people who would be sorted in Slytherin.

3. With… a knife and fork.

Um. This seems like a lot of unnecessary washing up but okay.

According to this camp, using a knife and fork allows you to “dip each bite in sauce” and “not get mess everywhere”.

These people have clearly never spent an afternoon at the footy during the height of winter – they should have their citizenship withdrawn immediately.

4. The “deconstructed” pie.

According to my thorough research, it is a tradition among many country folk to completely deconstruct a pie before eating it.

The method follows:

1. Take lid off pie.
2. Put tomato sauce on meat.
3. Eat meaty insides with spoon.
4. Eat the meatless pastry carcass.
5. Go to jail because this should be illegal.

MAKE IT STOP.

5. The cautious way.

When your grandma eats a pie, it is definitely this way.

This method involves carefully slipping out a small mouthful sized portion of the pie from the plastic cover, adding sauce to this part, and biting into it.

Between each bite, you “shimmy” more pie out of the plastic, and repeat until there is no pie left.

While this isn’t the worst camp, it’s not particularly… adventurous.

6. The final and correct way according to various sources (myself).

As per my previous explanation, there is one way to eat a meat pie.

You remove the pastry lid and place it to the side and then fill the meat with tomato sauce. You then replace the lid, and enjoy a mess free (but saucy nonetheless) treat.

While no one was eating their pie upside down (thank GOD), there remains crucial question: how are we meant to be a united front if we’re all eating our meat pies differently?

Mamamia has reached out to Four’n Twenty and Mrs Mac’s for comment. 

How do you eat your meat pie? Tell us in the comments below.