Recently, I made a flippant remark that I have since come to regret.
“Do you ever find yourself standing in the shower,” I wrote, “staring at the wall in front of you, with your head slightly cocked to the side, wondering… Wait a minute, what the hell happened to Hanson?”
Well. Apparently the current whereabouts of 90s pop group Hanson wasn’t the most interesting part of that sentence.
The people were shook.
"What kind of person," they asked, "looks at the wall when they're in the shower."
Some were mad, traumatised even, that I look towards the shower head, and in turn the wall behind it that nine times out of 10 needs a very good clean, rather than outwards towards the greater bathroom region where my clothes are most definitely on the floor getting a lil' damp.
Was this some kind of sick... joke? the people wondered. Was I an undercover... psychopath who also kept my Vegemite in the fridge and made my bed with a doona but no top sheet? (Yes, and also yes).
I decided to float the subject at work and, goodness.
The people rioted.
There was yelling. There were accusations. They were judgements made and enemies formed. We were divided into groups.
The Front Facers
The Front Facers are obviously superior but interestingly, also appear to be the minority. They enjoy the hot of the shower on their front, and the control that facing the shower head affords them. They enjoy activities such as washing their face without contorting their body like an idiot and staring at walls contemplating the universe as well as their place within it.
They are selective with when they would like to get their hair wet and no they don't own a shower cap.
They face life head on and always get sick when they go to South East Asia and are strictly not meant to be drinking the shower water. It's not on purpose, but they always consume just enough to make them sick for 24 hours.
The Back Facers
Weirdos.
They're the majority, but you cannot trust them.
I imagine, though I have no evidence, that they're doing permanent damage to their posture given the fact they're forced to awkwardly lean forward to avoid getting their hair wet.
They're full of denial, hardly ever acknowledging the shower head while they're in there which is frankly rude. They also spurt falsehoods such as, "I once read somewhere that the hot water going straight onto you can burst blood vessels in your face..." but when asked to present the article they never can.
They don't get sick in South East Asia which seems like something they'd brag about. They're not as efficient and, in my opinion, are less hygienic, for reasons that I cannot articulate mostly because I do not have any.
The Side Facers
I know.
What the f*ck.
The Side Facers blame their behaviour on the positioning of their shower products which is obviously bullshit.
Their conversations revolve around how they grab some warm water in their hands and wash their face that way rather than succumbing to direct exposure.
They are indecisive and a little bit two faced. Also cannot be trusted.
The Resters
Okay so this was precisely one person but I had to include it because it's the most absurd thing I've ever heard.
"How about when you're leaning on the wall though?" one colleague asked.
After a few minutes of silence, and some hushed, "Omg I really thought I knew her, now this..." she decided to add: "I lean on the shower wall... for a rest."
... Wut.
For obvious reasons a fight ensued whereby I yelled, "BUT IT'S SO COLD. THE WALL IS SO, SO COLD," and she looked at me blankly like that wasn't even an issue.
Two people have since quit, referencing this bizarre confession as the reason why.
So if you feel like losing some friends this week, and even falling out with close family members, ask them which way they stand when they shower.
You'll never hear the end of it.