EVERYONE SSSSHHH PLS.
We open on Bill/David who has just recovered from his transition from David to… Bill.
He remembers he has a wild rose and would very much like to use it.
Ali enters the mansion and asks Taite on a date, while Osher silently watches from the air conditioning vent above.
Ali tells Taite to get out of his onesie and meet her at the car. But then Bill turns up and Ali looks genuinely confused as to why the man she gave a wild rose to has actually chosen to… use it.
Ali tells Bill they're going wakeboarding and he says he is sure he will "pick it up".
Back at the mansion, the boiz are working out. Paddy calls Bill a muppet and also a snake. An alpaca giggles with glee in the background because he knows it be the truth.
At the end of their date, Bill says he would move to Adelaide for Ali and she promptly locks him in the basement to create little dolls out of locks of her hair.
PAUSE.
It's group date time and Osher has created a giant game of Guess Who from some beds he stole from the orphanage down the road.
He says the giant Guess Who beds will test the guys compatibility with Ali, but we know he's really just trying to trick them into having a sleepover with him.
A man named Danny WHO WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE starts talking about his relationship with Ali exclusively in cliches.
The guys have to guess things while Osher pushes them down on the giant beds and giggles and very much enjoys his lovely sleepover.
Nathan wins the challenge and Charlie be fumin'.
Next, the boiz have to bid on "values" at an auction and it's clear Osher spent all his time stealing those beds from the orphanage and planning his sleepover and he doesn't give a shit about the rest of the date.
Danny bets $1900 on "respect" and wins the alone time with Ali.
But... but there's a problem.
He speaks exclusively in cliches and doesn't appear to have spoken to a human woman before. He says "I love all the old time sayings from different stuff" and never has a sentence summed up someone's personality so well.
While Ali consults a dictionary, Danny leans in and kisses her and she doesn't WANT IT.
But Danny is FINE WITH THAT because "fortune favours the bold" and also "nothing ventured, nothing gained".
Ssssshhhh.
It's cocktail party time and Charlie be schemin'.
We unpack Ali's latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.
He's realised the only way he's going to get some alone time with Ali is to throw someone else under the bus.
He chooses Nathan who honestly just got lost and stumbled into the mansion on his way to Stereosonic festival anyway.
You see, Nathan has been spreadin' rumours about Ali and Grant and THE STAIRS, while lounging around the pool, and Charlie does not like that.
He tells Ali who immediately confronts Nathan in front of the other guys, while Osher watches from the air conditioning vent above, eating the leftover popcorn from the sleepover.
Ali asks Nathan what he's been saying about her "PAST" and he mumbles something about "LA" and "GRANT".
AND DAMMIT, WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT....
T
H
E
S
T
A
I
R
S.
Taite takes Ali away because she musn't hear the stair word and Charlie starts doin' a swear.
He says if anyone is not here for the right reasons "There's the f*cking door" and points directly at the door which seems... unnecessary.
Nathan starts doin' a point which seems... rehearsed. He tells Charlie, "I really, really feel sorry for Ali if she ever ends up with you because you're a spiteful piece of shit" and Charlie smiles and we feel weird in our hearts.
Ali decides it's not going to work out between her and Nathan because THE STAIRS and also because he really needs to be gettin' to Stereosonic.
She sends him home and he says "I honestly believe that I am one of the best people that go around" and GOD WE HOPE NOT.
He yells out "This is... f*cked" on his way out and neatly sums up this entire season to date.
There's no rose ceremony.
One silent, solitary tear falls from the air conditioning vent above.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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Catch up on the recaps here:
Episode 1: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A kiss leaves the men fuming.
Episode 2: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: One man breaks the bro code.
Top Comments
Wow, Nathan got shot down in flames after mentioning the stairs?
Has to be said, he sure went down quickly.
Well, I'm glad I realised I'd missed this recap just to have found this comment.
Bravo. Subtle. Love it.