Goodness.
We open on the men casually sitting around the mansion being… bros.
“Boiz.”
“Big fella.”
“Mate.”
“Bro.”
One man maybe named Daniel ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ says Ali coped well with what she had to “put up with” at the cocktail party and everyone who is not Paddy nods in agreement.
BUT WAIT.
Osher ascends from the ceiling in his baby angel playing a harp costume.
He pulls the first date card out of one of his wings and explains that because Bill/David has the pink rose version of a wild card, he can choose to take the single date regardless of what's on the card.
The clue is something about writing down your feelings and Paddy is sure it'll be him because he wrote a poem about how he PLAYS SOCCER OBVIOUSLY AND ONCE LIVED IN THE UK OBVIOUSLY.
But no.
Charlie gets the single date and Bill decides not to use his wild rose because he's still very busy processing the fact that he used to be called David and now he's called Bill.
Ali and Charlie arrive at their date and Ali seems surprised - during her third attempt at this franchise - that her first date would involve... heights.
They're going to play Twister 60 metres above street level and we know in our hearts Osher is super proud right now.
Back at the mansion, Paddy is reciting his well-rehearsed "villain lines".
"I'm in it to win it," he says to no one in particular.
"I hope it rains on them," he tells a random plant.
WAIT.
The very tall man is dancing and he also has a date card.
"Big fella."
"BOIZ."
"Mate."
"Bromeister."
He reads out the date card and it's the first group date which is a photo shoot because Osher is a man of routine pls.
Back at the single date, Charlie explains that he's fine with the high wire Twister because he's basically Spider Man and also went to Dubai once.
They get on the Twister mat and start moving and then Ali realises she'd very much like to... not.
Having been to Dubai once, Charlie holds Ali's hands and guides her through it and then they do a kiss while still in the air which seems... unsafe.
They sit on a couch and talk about their feelings and Ali says she's glad she's traded in the high wire for a "handsome drink and a stiff man" and sweetie we know.
Charlie says he could definitely fall in love with Ali and Ali promptly locks him in the basement to work on their dream wedding journal.
Charlie arrives back at the mansion with a rose and tells the boiz that if they're not here for the right reasons they should leave.
Which seems like Osher's job but okay. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Ssssshhh.
We unpack everything from Ali's latest week in the mansion on our Bach Chat podcast. Post continues after audio.
It's group date time.
The boiz are greeted by a very excited Osher. He's changed out of his baby angel outfit and into a nice collared shirt and knitted jumper combination.
WAIT.
There... there... appears to be an Osher impostor hiding among the contestants. He has a moustache and a nice hat and he's even more excited about Osher's clever challenges than the OG Osher is.
The very tall man and another man possibly named Daniel ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ are wearing basically no clothes and Ali is slathering them with oil but there's a more pressing matter we need to discuss.
Fake Osher is playing a fake photographer but he has done a confuse and he thinks he's the real photographer.
No one wants to say anything except for Stu Laundy who suddenly turns up and starts narrating the whole thing.
The rest of the photo shoot consists of more "scantily clad" men and Stu Laundy naming random foods to no one in particular.
PAUSE.
It's cocktail party time.
"MATE."
"Big fella."
"Brosicle."
The boys discuss the bro code and then promptly abandon it.
Ali has a sneaky kiss with Robert in the bushes and Fake Osher is just excited that she knows his name.
BUT WAIT.
Charlie seems to have gone full Ali circa season one.
He's been working on their dream wedding journal for days now and he must speak to her.
He interrupts an extra from the movie Braveheart, who is trying to tell Ali about his kilt, and whisks her away to stare intensely in her eyes like a fundraiser for Greenpeace.
The words "magic" and "best date of my life" are said and Ali is just wondering how he got out of the basement.
A rose ceremony happens and the extra from Braveheart gets sent home. Bye for noo, we hardly knew ye.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
You can follow Keryn on Facebook and Instagram and join our Bach Lols Facebook group.
Catch up on the recaps here:
Episode 1: Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: A kiss leaves the men fuming.