Allison Holker lost her husband 'tWitch' to suicide. There's one thing she wants him to know.

This post mentions suicide. 

For widow Allison Holker, the days spent without her late husband Stephen 'tWitch' Boss have been the hardest of her life.

tWitch was best known for being the beloved "dancing DJ" and a co-executive producer on The Ellen DeGeneres Show and former contestant on So You Think You Can Dance. He and his wife Holker had a large social media following as well, the pair regularly sharing content of them dancing together and with their kids.

In December 2022, tWitch died by suicide. He was 40 years old. 

DeGeneres shared a statement following the announcement of his death, sending love to Holker and their three children, calling Holker "her family".

"I'm heartbroken. tWitch was pure love and light. He was my family, and I loved him with all my heart. I will miss him," DeGeneres wrote.

I’m heartbroken. tWitch was pure love and light. He was my family, and I loved him with all my heart. I will miss him. Please send your love and support to Allison and his beautiful children - Weslie, Maddox, and Zaia. pic.twitter.com/lW8Q5HZonx

— Ellen DeGeneres (@EllenDeGeneres) December 14, 2022

Holker was on The Viall Files w/ Nick Viall podcast this week, one of her first long-form interviews since tWitch's death. She said talking with her kids about the circumstances in which her husband died has been particularly challenging.

"The first time I asked [eight-year-old] Maddox, 'What do you think happened?' he thought Daddy went up to space and forgot his helmet. Kids are kids. To me, that was such a beautiful thought. I always say 'Daddy is in the stars'," says Holker.

"I still feel his presence. His love was so great for us, and is still with us. I just try and hold on to that."

Holker said that sometimes she still speaks to tWitch, replaying the countless questions she has for him. She also says there's one thing she wants him to know - she "forgives him". 

"I talked to him almost every single night for a really long time [after his death]. It would be about anything and everything. Sometimes I would be really upset and yelling at him," she said.

"There's times I've just screamed, then there are times I'll ask him if he likes the school I'm choosing for the kids. Another time I was outside looking at the stars, and I said 'I hope you found that peace. Genuinely.' That was a really hard thing to do. I needed to let myself be free of that, and I said 'I forgive you, I've got the kids. We're going to be okay'."

Watch: Ellen DeGeneres' tribute video to tWitch. Post continues below.

Holker spoke about the support DeGeneres has given to her family.

"Ellen was a huge support system for me, and still is. She would always have such wise words for me. Outside of our dearest friends, she knew him better than anyone too. We would have these really beautiful conversations about it, and about him," noted Holker.

"I'm still going to have dark days, I'm still going to have lows. But it's about the way I choose to move through it. A lot of people would like to see me crying in a corner - which I've done. But if I'm there, at that stage, that means I'm where he was. And no one should want that for each other.

"Even in my lowest lows, I've never been that low. With that, it only makes me have more empathy for Stephen, because I don't know what that's like."

In the interview, Holker was promoting a children's both she and tWitch wrote prior to his death, called Keep Dancing Through. 

The duo met on So You Think You Can Dance as part of its all-star season. They started dating soon after their season together wrapped, and got married in 2013 at So You Think You Can Dance creator Nigel Lythgoe's winery in California. The following year, tWitch was hired to be on The Ellen DeGeneres Show - a role he stayed in until the show finished up in 2022. 

The couple have three children together - tWitch adopted Holker's daughter, Weslie, from a previous relationship, and the pair welcomed a son, Maddox, in 2016, and a daughter, Zaia, in 2019.

tWitch with his family before his passing. Image: Instagram.

Holker said that teaching her kids that it's okay to grieve has been crucial. She also said she wants them to feel joy again, even if it's amid feelings of loss.

"We had a moment months after everything happened. We were in our kitchen and it was our first laugh [since tWitch's death]. We shared this wild, wild laughter. And then immediately we looked at each other and stopped. Because then there was almost immediate regret and grief from feeling bad about having this laughter," Holker recounted. 

"We hugged it out, cried and were like 'Yeah, we can laugh. We can do that.' It's something I'll never forget."

Just three days before tWitch's passing, the couple had celebrated their ninth wedding anniversary. Speaking on The Kelly Clarkson Show this week, Holker said she didn't dance for months following her husband's death.

"I didn't know if I was ever going to dance again. It was something we treasured together," she said.

"I was scared of dancing again because it would make it [him no longer being here] real. But I can do the hard thing. So I brought my friend over and we danced together. And I felt free. It was healing."

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Feature Image: The Ellen DeGeneres Show/Instagram.