PARENT OPINION: Here's what new mums aren't saying when you give them 'advice'.

Hourly wake-ups, yet another feed, pacing the floor with a crying bub... the early years with a baby can be gruelling, at times torturous. 

But what makes it extra hard is the ambush of advice that leaves you spinning.

My mum died just before my first child was born, so my parenting experience within those early years was fraught with grief. Compounded by the challenging task of being a new mother with no clue what I was doing, I was a prime candidate for taking on any suggestions – from books, blogs and pods, to family, friends and ‘experts’.

Not only was the amount of information of intense proportions (albeit well-meant), but the real clincher was the way one recommendation could totally contradict another. 

And sadly, in large part because of this plethora of ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’, parenting in those early years wasn’t something I particularly enjoyed.

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From the moment my son was born, the floodgates opened. Fearful of making the ‘wrong’ choice, I read everything I could get my hands on and listened intently to whatever advice came my way.

I learned all manner of conflicting things. 

At 12 weeks, a baby should be on a structured daily eat-play-nap routine to create ultimate sleeping habits. 

But I discovered that scheduling my days around a child made me a prisoner of my home, and a rushing lunatic outside the home.

I was advised that all naps should be taken in the cot (never the car, stroller, or carrier) so the child is familiar with their bed. 

Conversely, a baby should be ‘worn’ all day to strengthen their bond with the parent. 

I learned that rocking, nursing, and patting a child to sleep are all bad habits, leading to overly dependent children. 

Some suggested I need not worry about using such crutches, because “do you know any adults who still need to be rocked to sleep?”

By six-months of age, it became clear my son wasn’t at all interested in sleep. The surrounding advice was to let him cry in his cot for 45 minutes, which I was assured would be essential if we (and him) were ever to sleep again. Others, on the other hand, insisted that letting him wail would cause lasting neurological damage.

It went on, and on. I was as confused as hell and my anxiety was skyrocketing.

What really baffled me, though, was the common assumption that whatever works for one kid (and their parents) will work for all. This inference proved wildly restrictive and set me up for repeated failure as my son (and I) resisted many of the ‘tried and true’ methods.

Talking to other folks, I realised my feelings weren’t isolated. The effect our advice culture has on the mental health of new mothers disturbed, no, enraged me.

So I set off on a research quest to learn how mums in far-off lands were getting on. Were those living in a Ugandan village equally overwhelmed? Were Argentinian mothers following the same rigid routine that was causing panic attacks here in Australia? What did ‘support’ look like for a Mongol mum? What would happen if we just ignored everyone and did it our own way? Would the kids turn out ok?

Two years and over 50 interviews later, and it’s clear: there is too much information. And it is causing self-doubt, anxiety and resentment towards the ‘help’-giver.

I’m not saying that all advice is ill received, but how does someone decipher what is helpful versus unhelpful?

I found that incessant unwelcome guidance from well-meaning loved ones overshadowed my own by mothers living in China, Sudan, Namibia, and Pakistan.

An extreme example of this is the Pakistani mum who lives in a shared home with her husband, child and 12 others. 

“I come from a culture where certain beliefs – particularly around parenting, are so strong," she told me. 

"Daily, everyone in my family will offer me a piece of advice on how to raise my daughter. They each have their own expectation of the sort of person she should become. But of course, she’s her own self! They think they’re helping me (and her) but they’re making me constantly question my own decisions. It’s debilitating."

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It became clear that nobody holds the key to the perfect method. There is no ‘right’ way. In fact, the variety of parenting styles are as vast and colourful as the cultures explored. Regardless, their kids are still thriving. 

Armed with this perspective, I felt liberated to toss the parenting books, delete the apps and unfollow the social pages. I endeavoured to make choices that just felt right, and ultimately didn’t make me stressed. If my son napped in his pram for a mere 20 minutes each day, then so be it! I was enjoying being out and about without the tension and boredom of being couped up at home. 

With this new outlook, the joy began to flow. 

So in the interest of good mental health, the clear message from the 50-plus women I interviewed is to be mindful that her and her child’s needs are unique. Their combined suggestion? Amp up the words of support, and tone down the advice.

Her, and her baby’s joy, just might be at stake.

Georgia Felton is a freelance writer, mother of two young children and author of the book, Mums of the World.

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Feature Image: Supplied/Georgia Felton.