User Comments

grumpier monster April 7, 2021

I thought you had to register with the Department of Births, Deaths, and Marriages 28 days before the wedding. 

grumpier monster April 1, 2021

@talezassian absolutely agree. The lack of concern or even horror by the bf is a huge red flag. He is a selfish man who has a ‘reluctant female lover’ narrative. He has now learnt that this is rape but I doubt whether he truly believes it. I suspect he will do it again because if it were ‘really’ rape she would leave. As it is he’ll diminish the meaning of rape. She needs to leave ASAP and not return until he understands what he’s done and accepts that he should never again have the power to initiate sex in their relationship because he is too _________ to understand ‘no’. 

grumpier monster April 1, 2021

@angela7 rape is non consensual sex. There doesn’t need violence or threats of violence. The rape described will probably not result in conviction because he will argue that he genuinely didn’t understand that she didn’t want sex. 

grumpier monster March 23, 2021

Well said. I do read BTL and the comments reveal some deeply toxic viewpoints. 

grumpier monster March 23, 2021

Try to get the father (or someone) to take off the first 4-6 weeks if he can. It might be parental leave, annual leave, long-service leave. Anything. He needs to be there to ensure the mother gets enough sleep. Use the time to practice leaving the home with and without the baby. Swap roles. He can do everything except breast-feed. Likewise, the mum isn't supposed to be doing heavy lifting, but can do everything else. It's a stressful time and it's easy to blame the only other adult in the house for mistakes, but don't do it! All the best superheroes are flawed, and new parents are superheroes.

grumpier monster March 23, 2021

TBH I feel some overlap. I also wake at 6.30 and check my Fitbit to see how well I’ve slept. 

Of course that’s where the similarity ends. 

grumpier monster March 22, 2021

I was 40 when I started a career in teaching high school students. Overweight and old. I thought I would be safe from sexual harassment by my students. I was wrong. When the female students complained about the male students showing off their underwear following the latest fashion trend, I responded as I'd been taught and told the offending student to pull up their pants. If challenged I would explain about sexual harassment and how wearing their pants like that might constitute harassment.  In response, some cut the draw-cords in their tracksuits so their pants could not stay up. Others would put their hands down their pants to adjust their genitals whilst they spoke with me. One pretended to masturbate in class. When I told them off, en masse they mooned me. I was shocked and distressed. I complained. The school leadership team (especially one particular male co-ordinator) told me it was my fault for antagonising them. 
They say rape is sometimes used as a weapon to punish women. Sexual harassment sometimes feels like that. It is not simply entitled or clueless males. Sometimes it is a coordinated attack to silence and humiliate 'difficult' women.  

grumpier monster March 22, 2021

We know former PM Julia Guillard was the target of sexist attacks. Did the current toxic culture  ramp up then?

grumpier monster March 21, 2021

@guest2, a bite of the cherry? The ones who don’t inherit the wealth also don’t inherit the responsibility of performing their duties and passing those responsibilities on to their kids. 

IMHO the Sussexes never understood the difference between inherited political power/influence and personal power/influence. 

grumpier monster March 14, 2021

I'm a little disappointed that this article doesn't discuss the risk factors for depression and anxiety and how they might be impacting on people who have never suffered mental health problems before.
For example:
Comfort eating and drinking impair mood and contribute to other risk factors like poor sleep.
Poor work-life balance might have become a bigger issue for people working from home especially if they are also physically and/or emotionally caring for vulnerable people and/or home-schooling.
Social isolation and reduced opportunities to engage in past-times. 
Messages from politicians and other leaders might feel like an attack on your self-worth. 
Financial stress. 

grumpier monster March 14, 2021

Clearly the author was raped.

However, I find myself intrigued to know what men are thinking now. Many woman are admitting to themselves that they have been raped by people they love and trusted.

How many men will be admitting to themselves that they have raped women whom they loved or liked when they believed that they were the kind of man who'd never do that?
It's hard to be raped. Is it hard to admit to be a rapist? Will is leave a deep psychological scar to despise yourself?
Is this why so many men will be in denial?
Do we need to help with the narrative for men? Or will that be seen as minimising the harm done to the victims?  I am a pragmatist. I'd rather men admit to making an historical mistake (not rape) if it leads to future men accepting that today that same behaviour is definitely rape. 

grumpier monster March 3, 2021

I’d like to know what so many males are thinking now. They’ve heard the stories. They know it’s rape and sexual assault. When, if ever, did the stop doing this and why? Because these are the answers we need to know if things are going to change. 


grumpier monster March 3, 2021

@cat I agree. I was sexually assaulted at age 13 by a 15y/o from a local coed public school in 1983. We weren’t drunk. It wasn’t a party. We were the latch-key generation. 

grumpier monster February 25, 2021

I think sleep is a big factor. I've been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea (i.e. I stop breathing every couple of minutes during the night). Since getting that treated I have not craved food as much and my body recovers overnight so that if I walk one day, I'm not too stiff to walk the next. 

grumpier monster February 21, 2021

I never understand the comment, 'he had me right where he wanted me'. The rest of the article makes it clear that the narcissist doesn't care. Manipulation implies that they cared enough to want to make their unhappy partners stay. That they planned it that way. However, the rest of the article makes it clear that the narcissist  lies or displays emotions for their own immediate gratification and as part of their vainglorious self-narrative where they are the only one who experiences the world and has thoughts and feelings about it.  

grumpier monster February 21, 2021

My mum was a geriatric nurse and used to have a saying: 'You better see people when they're alive, because they're a long time dead.'

grumpier monster February 21, 2021

Same here. Mamamia publishes articles about the pain of not being able to conceive when you desperately want a child, but they never talk about the pain and humiliation of desperately wanting a career and being unable to get and keep a job of any description and sometimes, the ultimate blow, of being rejected for volunteer work. This isn't just a financial issue. It leaves deep psychological scars.

grumpier monster February 18, 2021

Very true. But don't confuse managing moods with mental load. Managing moods is emotional labour. It's a second thing that many primary carers do even if it is sometimes part of the mental labour (eg don't give the child s sugary caffeinated at naptime).

grumpier monster February 16, 2021

If you're a monster then I wish they were all like you. It's been hard and you did it anyway without killing yourself or the kids. Kudos. I hope it gets easier soon and that you start getting back some of the things you lost soon. 

grumpier monster February 14, 2021

Focus on the positives. They took you to the counselling appointments. They emotionally abused you for being different, but they didn't try to beat you into being the same. (This was something that did happen.) They openly worried about your mental health and what it would mean for you and for them. They openly worried that it might in fact be them that caused all your problems (remembering that for a long time parents were explicitly blamed for all mental health issues--real or imagined,) 


It is disappointing that parents of the past don't follow best childrearing practices of the present, but it is extremely unrealistic to expect them to. The question is whether the author can forgive them. By the sounds of it the answer is no. The author explicitly blames them for all their mental health problems. Hopefully they won't discover that many mental health problems have a genetic component, so that their children might also develop mental health problems despite everything the author does. And the suffering children will blame the parent for causing/exacerbating those problems.

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