"Don't get you-know-who mad." Mamamia recaps Donald Trump's 'big weekend' at the G7 summit.


Ugh, another very important event with fellow very important world leaders to discuss very important economic matters?

‘What a waste of my time,’ thought US President and self-described very, very important person Donald Trump.

Discussing trade wars, political tensions and the raging fires in the Amazon takes up way too much of his precious time, which is definitely much better used watching Fox News and tweeting about FAKE NEWS and happy birthdays to his semi-famous friends.

So after tucking in to some of the US’ finest food – KFC, because that’s not available in France, right? – and receiving a pep talk from his favourite non-Russian friend, Fox News dude Sean Hannity, the president begrudgingly hopped on Air Force One late and headed to the land of French tucks and French fries (he thinks?) to mingle with other world leaders.

What a bore.

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Last year's event focused on the environment and plastics in the ocean, which did not give Trump enough time to brag about his achievements.

To help make this weekend's visit more palatable, the summit added a Sunday morning session focused on the global economy which would give him a chance to brag about the US economy to leaders of nations where growth is slowing (this reads like satire, we know, but it's real).

Just to spice things up a little, Trump threatened on Friday to impose tariffs on French wine if France didn't withdraw a new digital tax that would impact US tech companies.

Upon arrival in France, Trump was whisked away by French President and very-nice-man Emmanuel Macron to a surprise lunch of French cuisine.

Look, it wasn't KFC, but it was alright.

"So far so good," Trump exclaimed, praising his "special relationship" with the man whose parody account he accidentally tweeted, because honestly, this stuff writes itself.

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"How do you expect me to know how to spell his name, I speak American."

Then - because important world leader things are a waste of time - Trump caught up on Fox News before preparing again for some mediocre French cuisine at the leaders' dinner on Saturday night.

At dinner, Trump looked around at his counterparts. Macron and Justin Trudeau were laughing, whispering in French and pointing in his direction. Angela Merkel scolded Boris Johnson as he sculled champagne.

Trump... had no friends. So he had an idea.


I think my bestest friend Vladimir Putin should be invited!

Johnson stopped mid-scull, flabbergasted. Merkel... snorted. Trump thought he heard Macron and Trudeau say "stupide", whatever that means.

He huffed. These meetings were no fun without his supreme leader best friend Putin.

On Sunday, Trump met up for the roundtable on the economy, personally created just for him. Yes! His time to shine!

America has the greatest economy in the world! Why do those other sh*t hole economies even try? Crooked economies! 

Following boring chats with boring world leaders about boring world issues, Trump dealt with his anger at learning Iranian Foreign Minister had arrived by demanding KFC be flown seven and a half hours from the US. No one had the heart to tell him there was a Kentucky Fried outlet just 15 minutes away.

His highlight was meeting with Johnson, because he got to live out the Austin Powers dream he never knew he had.

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"Mini Me, if I ever lost you I don't know what I would do."
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"I would probably move on, get another clone but there would be a 15 minute period there where I would just be inconsolable." Image: Getty.

Later that day, all the leaders gathered for a photo shoot. Trump had brushed his toupee hair and applied a fresh tan, so he was excited.

I am the BEST looking leader, NO other leader has my GOOD LOOKS!

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Sure. Image: Getty.

It was here that Trump realised Melania had come along for the trip. Or was it Fake Melania? Judging by the way she kissed Trudeau, it was probably the real one.


The photoshoot was... glorious.

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There is just... so much to see here. Image: Getty.
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It's ok it's definitely fake Melania. Image: Getty.
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:O Image: Getty.
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G'day yes it's me ScoMo and I am here. Image: Getty.
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ScoMo or just a shadow? Image: Getty.
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OH ANGELA. Image: Getty.
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WE ARE SO SORRY. Image: Getty.

Finally, after Trump failed to accurately kiss several other leaders on their cheek, Monday morning rolled around.


Apparently there was some crucial discussion on climate change and biodiversity to attend, but Trump said no thanks.

Climate change is the least of the world's worries, he thought. Besides, he didn't know what biodiversity meant, but his friends at Fox say diversity is bad. ‾\_(ツ)_/‾

With the summit wrapped up, Trump left France happy enough. Sure, he had to stop playing golf to attend, but at least he looked GREAT in the photos.

The rest of the leaders were also pleased. They'd succeeded in their mission, dubbed by The New York Times as operation 'Don't get You-Know-Who Mad' which makes it sound like Trump is Voldemort and... oh.

With Trump safely back on Air Force One heading home, the rest of the leaders rejoiced. They'd done it, and they presumably drank gallons of champagne to celebrate. Especially mini me Johnson.

As the leaders dispersed, they groaned at the thought of next year's summit to be held in the United States.

Trump wants it to be held at his golf course near Miami.

"Each country can have their own villa, or own bungalow," he enthused when asked about the idea.

The world leaders don't have to stress about whose villa will be nearest to Trump's - he's already said he'd like to invite his bestie from Russia.