There is a woman in our office, who we shall not name, who has never looked forward to anything, not even the birth of her own children, like she has Trial by Kyle.
Whenever the show was mentioned in the week before it aired, she seemed to have an unusual amount of… facts.
Mr Kyle had done a mediation course, you see, to prepare. The cases were real. The people were real. And the judgements were final.
It sounded… familiar. Like a show we’d spent our entire childhood watching, and even at six had us wondering why grown adults would go on international television to bicker about $187 and be yelled at by a woman who said things like: “BEAUTY FADES DUMB IS FOREVER”.
But this version was better because Kyle. And a throne. But also the lack of legal knowledge and/or power mixed with the presence of ex-reality television stars whose Instagram followings seemed to be dwindling.
This was going to be trashy, fake and utterly... brilliant.
Simply, this was the show our nation deserved.
SHHH PLS the court is now in session.
Skye Wheatley vs. her boobs
As everyone knows, a few years ago ex-Big Brother contestant Skye Wheatley got her boobs done for free in Thailand, and they ended up looking like she went and got her boobs done for free in Thailand.
She had three boobs and allegedly that's not what she asked for.
She entered the court wanting to sue not the surgeon who gave her a third boob, but the company who had organised it. Although she obviously threw some shade at the surgeon.
It turns out that the surgeon actually did speak fluent English, but he had an accent, which was confusing for Skye. It also turns out Skye a) failed to wear her compression bra as directed, b) failed to fulfil her contractual agreements with the company, c) had done chest exercises well before she was meant to and d) could be sued herself for defamation.
When Kyle delivered his ruling which went something like: "Skye, hun, no... even I know free plastic surgery is a bad idea and I have an IQ of four," Skye was silent, until she responded, "Sorry I zoned out".
She also admitted that actually she couldn't remember most of what had happened as it was a few years ago.
Nasser vs. himself
The first sign Nasser wasn't there for... legal counsel, was when he entered the court room like a WWE wrestler.
He claimed he deserved $15,000 for loss of income and brand damage after a member of the paparazzi said he was staging photos.
We remember reading that story. It didn't damage his brand. Mostly, this did.
Nasser claims he can't have sent Instagram messages because he has a Nokia 3310 which doesn't even have apps. This, of course, begs the question: How did you film yourself storming Twitter demanding a blue tick just weeks ago? Without a camera phone? How Nasser?
Nasser says he never called the paparazzi man, who is precisely six years old, but when Kyle rings the number that appeared on the call records, Nasser's 3310 rings.
Kyle feels bad so gives Nasser money for a new phone.
This is nothing like Judge Judy.
A mum vs. her lazy daughter over custody of a dog
Oh FFS neither of these people are famous.
Samantha is moving out of home and wants to take her dog, Storm, but her mum is all like "No, I feed it etc." and this is just not the purpose of a court of law.
When Anna Heinrich (The winner of the first season of The Bachelor... obviously) announces that Samantha technically has ownership of the dog, Kyle says he doesn't care and that the dog should be able to choose who to live with - stealing the plot straight out of AirBud (great film).
Storm has to decide who he wants to live with in front of an entire courtroom but also the nation and this is truly gripping television.
He panics and runs for Samantha, before regretting his decision and running to his grandma.
Man one vs. man two, feat. Shannon Noll
We're not even going to attempt to explain what happened here but it had something to do with man one being a scab and not shouting beers.
Why are we still watching this.
A pornstar woman vs. a pornstar man over roughly $30
This feels dirty but okay.
Kyle, for reasons that are unclear, needs to be alone to watch the porn video in order to give his ruling.
Watching a court wait anxiously while Mr Kyle is out the back literally watching porn is a new low for Australian television.
For some reason, Kyle decides that the problem is they're in love, which the man strongly denies.
The court rules a relationship and you can't do that.
Finally, there's a case that doesn't even deserve its own subheading because Kyle decides within seconds that they're both acting and it's not real and no one makes Kyle look like an idiot.
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