Here goes nothing.
There’s hardly any point in watching this show anymore since maniac Gabi Grecko was booted off in a blaze of pleather and synthetic hair last week, but mama’s got to pay the bills so here goes.
The show opens with a recap of last week’s show (no need, get it here) and a teaser of the horrors to come this episode. Spoiler alert: bums.
“Sydney, 8am,” the untrustworthy voice-over tells us as we watch a montage of busy city types striding the streets to conduct important city business.
Both the boys and the girls vow to win this week — the boys because they enjoyed the look on Gina’s face when she was defeated, and the girls because they enjoyed it only marginally less so.
Sworn enemies/star-crossed lovers Richard and Blake are in a car together, with little Geoffrey in the middle as a buffer, en route to some mystery destination.
They snipe at each other bitchily, smile smarmily, then glare out the windows. It’s just like our family car trips to Bundaberg with my brother and I in the back seat every Christmas, only they’re not fighting over the arm rest.
Sideshow Dormer, in a different car, speculates as to what could be happening as they arrive at Circular Quay. “Do you reckon we’re going in a boat?!”
“I knew I should’ve worn stroipes!” says Sophie Monk.
Royal Prank DJ Mel Greig tells us that out of everyone, she’d like to beat Blake most of all,
to avenge Sam Frost to take him down a peg or two because he thinks he’s the mayor of Chilli Town and he’s just NOT.*
The celebrities mill around on the dock while they brainstorm pirate words (Sideshow Dormer: “Murder!”) and they’re so into it they don’t notice the entrance of Daddy Warbucks and his business henchwomen Kerri-Anne Kennerley and that other blonde woman who isn’t KAK.
The mogul has spoken: the teams will each take over a tall ship and run tours of the harbour for unsuspecting tourists.
The tours will be themed and catered and the celebrities will provide entertainment. So… I guess Blake could hand out some roses? And Miss Universe Australia could reprise the talent section of the show? Pretty sure she played recorder and sang Frere Jacques.
Our celebrities have their phones returned to them so that they may access their extensive contact lists of fellow former reality show contestants and washed up soap stars.
We have not yet caught a glimpse of James Mathison. I suspect he’s scarpered because he’d rather starve than ever converse with Tim Dormer again.
Oh wait, there he is! He appears to be trying to inconspicuously join the girls’ team.