Can TV make you dumber? Let’s find out!

Last night was the penultimate episode of this season of The Bachelor, so some genius over at Channel Nine thought they’d screen the very first episode of The Celebrity Apprentice.

To illustrate why that person should probably consider another career, The Bachelor was second in ratings for Wednesday night with 1,050,000 viewers.

The Celebrity Apprentice was placed 19th, behind The Chase Australia, which, after a straw poll around the office, I can assure you that no one has ever heard of before. All up, 566,000 people tuned in.

If you don’t know who a lot of these people are… well, join the club!

But the joke’s on the 22.5 million Australians who didn’t, because this show is a glorious trainwreck and therefore qualifies as must-see TV.

The show begins with a montage of boss guy Mark Bouris being a hard-nosed businessman and threatening to fire our erstwhile celebrities. His business advisers are noted bum-haver Kerri-Anne Kennerley and ModelCo founder Shelley Barrett.

The voice-over promises us the craziest (read: obnoxious) cast ever. Next, the voice-over tells us that Mr Bouris has recruited 12 of Australia’s best-loved and most controversial celebrities. The voice-over has already proven itself untrustworthy and therefore I will disregard everything it tells me from now on.

And our celebrities begin making their entrances. Each of the women is filmed strutting in slow motion. Each of the men is allowed to walk like a normal person at a normal pace.

Our first celebrity? Real Housewife of Melbourne Gina Liano. No comment.

Richard Reid, celebrity gossip extraordinaire, enters and tells us his first job was shovelling horseshit at the county fair, which is basically this show in a nutshell.

Why are they so surprised that Sophie Monk would appear on The Celebrity Apprentice?

Slow-motion Sophie Monk, who Kerri-Anne Kennerley tells us is “fabulous and looking really good,” and exactly what you want in a businessperson, makes her entrance.

“Awww get lost!” Monk says when she sees the two already there.

“If I’m losing, I do have another outfit with a push-up bra. What a bogan!” she says, in her Patty and Selma via Inala voice.

Next, a terrified-looking James Mathison, who is known to proclaim to whoever will listen that reality TV is dead.

This smile is masking the deep loathing Mathison is presently feeling for himself.

Here come two slow-motion hot girls whose faces are unfamiliar. The voiceover tells me they are Miss Universe Australia Tegan Martin and Home and Away actress Esther Anderson, but it’s lied to me before.

Worst guy ever, former Bachelor Blake Garvey enters. Why’s he doing this? He wants Australia to see that he’s “more than just a guy who hands out roses”.

That’s not how we see you, Blake.

LOVE RAT!!!!!!

Another slow-motion lady: Mel Greig.

“Australia best knows me as the radio announcer that was involved in the royal prank phone call,” she says, and indeed Channel Nine has designated her “Royal Prank DJ”.

I would like it noted on the record that she is no relation of mine. I hate practical jokes.

This is Greig’s first job in about three years following her and Michael Christian’s disastrous prank call that resulted in the suicide of nurse Jacintha Saldanha. Her life and career were effectively destroyed by that awful incident. The way back to the light? The Celebrity Apprentice, of course.

Tim Dormer arrives. Voiceover trickster informs us that he is a winner of Big Brother. Dormer proudly announces he’s never been fired from anything before, because he’s never had a job.

By now, the panic rising in James Mathison’s chest is becoming overwhelming. You can see he’s reminding himself about the mortgage. He’s got a family now, you guys. He’s drinking a beer so that he doesn’t have to talk to anyone.

Enter obligatory sporty bonehead, Matt Cooper. I predict he will take his shirt off within the first 10 minutes of this show.

The producers have saved the best for last.

Oh god, and here they are. The Edelstens, Geoffrey, 72, and Gabi, 26.

The Edelstens.

The old one seems to think he’s nabbed the most entrancing woman in the world. The young one is dressed like bondage Barbie.

Dormer has apparently carried on his no-media ban from the Big Brother household because he is shocked to discover that the old one is the young one’s husband.

Mathison describes the assembled motley crew as “4am at a Logies after-party. Just the people who don’t know when to go home,” without a hint of irony.

Bouris enters and says untrue things about how famous they all are, then splits them into two teams. Boys against girls.

Mrs Edelsten’s not bothered. “Gabi Grecko stands alone, with or without Geoffrey. I’m nobody’s handbag. I’m nobody’s trophy wife!” she says as she’s separated from her septuagenarian millionaire husband.

Gina Liano is chosen as the leader of the women’s team.

“Bags not!” says Dormer, to the confusion of his teammates, who never had any intention of making him leader. The men choose Geoffrey as their 

mascot

leader.

Awwwww.

All pile into 4WDs. The girls poke Gabi’s breasts and enquire as to their content.

Next up: deciding on a team name. I find this an onerous task even at my local pub’s trivia night, so I feel for these guys.

After numerous suggestions from the others including “highrollers” and “winners”, Dormer suggests they call themselves the dolphins. “Unicorns! Testes! Stallions!” he brainstorms.

UNICORNS?!

They go with Dream Team. Fortunately this isn’t an originality challenge.

What are the girls to be called? Mel suggests “Team Boobatron”, because, you know, they all have boobs. So insightful.

Gina says they should go with Team Fearless, which she reveals to camera is the name of her autobiography. All the others agree to it because they haven’t read it/aren’t aware of its existence.

The teams are taken to a shipping yard.

Both teams’ task for the day is to sell things. These things include live eels, a sink, rice, bottled water, garden gnomes, roses, toilet paper and Geoffrey Edelsten’s autobiography, Enigma.

They should’ve totally gone with Team Enigma.

This last item causes Grecko to throw an epic tantrum because it details sex her elderly husband engaged in with other women, probably before she was born. She rips it to shreds as her poor, confused husband visibly shrinks in fear.

Next stop: Hollywood.

In a feat of terrible acting, Grecko decides the pair are separated and throws her engagement ring on the ground.

DRAMA! Well, the Edelsten gamble has already paid off for the producers. Hopefully now they can go and get the help they need.

Observation: if you’re not looking, Sophie Monk’s voice sounds exactly the same as Geoffrey Edelsten’s.

The teams hit the streets of Sydney. The guys are selling massages. The girls think they have to sell the massage chair.

Tegan Martin informs us that there’s a lot of Miss Universe fans in Australia yet dons her sash just in case no one recognises her. Alas it’s not enough. No one wants a massage from Miss Universe, so the girls revert back to the selling the chair idea.

Miss Who?

Some poor sod spends $2000 on it.

The boys are doing quite well using Matt Cooper’s muscles to sell massages to women (shirt’s off!). No one’s quite sure how Geoffrey Edelsten has enjoyed so many years of 

fraudulent enterprises

business success.

“He doesn’t seem to command authority,” said Sideshow Dormer of Edelsten, which, coming from him, is way harsh.

Asian people love rice, right? So the girls decide to head to Chinatown to offload their rice, while the boys head to the Woman’s Day offices to sell roses and their bodies.

Matt takes his shirt off for the seventeenth time today, and begins administering massages to editorial staff, whether they like it or not.

Click through this gallery to check out the

victims

contestants for the 2015 Celebrity Apprentice.

Meet the 2015 Celebrity Apprentice contestants

Tim Dormer

Image via Instagram.

Tim Dormer

Image via Instagram.

Teagan Martin

Image via Instagram.

Teagan Martin

Image via Instagram.

Sophie Monk

Image via Instagram.

Sophie Monk

Image via Instagram.

Richard Reid

Image via Instagram.

Richard Reed

Image via Instagram.

Mel Grieg

Image via Instagram.

Mel Grieg

Image via Instagram.