reality tv

A definitive ranking of each Aussie Bachelor from 7 to 1.

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Thanks to our brand partner, Pure Blonde

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that not all Bachelors – and Bachelor seasons – are made equal.

There are the Bachies who deliver us the epic love story, complete with a romantic looking archway and a bended-knee proposal.

Then we’ve got the Bachelors who choose one woman and then turn around, dump her, and hook up with the second runner-up.

And finally, we’ve had bachelors who choose precisely… no one, wasting approximately EIGHT WEEKS OF OUR GODDAMN LIVES. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Having said all that, we’d watch all of them again in a heartbeat. For the drama. And also the… gossip.

Because we don’t have time for that, we thought we’d take a little trip down memory lane and rank our Bachies from absolute legend to… sir, no.

7. Blake Garvey.

the bachelor season 7 australia
SIR, THIS WAS NOT OK.

Who could forget the dirty street pie, I mean... Blake Garvey.

At the end of his season, Blake chose Sam Frost.

But then he turned around and did a sneaky sneak - dumping Sam and running off with his second runner-up, Louise Pillidge.

Blake and Louise lived happily ever after in isolation, hiding from the boos of the entire nation, for several years before announcing their breakup through a two-page spread and glossy photo shoot for a gossip magazine.

It was an embarrassing time for Australia as a whole. But mostly for Blake.

Let's never speak of this again.

6. Honey Badger.

the bachelor season 7 australia
Oh.
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As it turns out, choosing a small member of the weasel family to be the Bachelor wasn't the wisest decision.

After sitting through 16 episodes of Nick Cummins talking about roosters and feedbags and whatnot, he decided to choose... no one... in the finale.

It was a weird time for all of us, but especially for Sophie and Brittany who had already put on their fancy dresses and had managed to convince themselves they could see a future with this strange man with the mullet.

5. Richie Strahan.

the bachelor season 7 australia
This feels awkward for all of us.

After Richie had one funny moment on The Bachelorette with Sam Frost on their "old person" date, Bachie producers decided to bring him back as the Bachelor.

It wasn't their best decision.

We were quickly introduced to Alex Nation, portrayed as the season's Stage Five Clinger, and Nikki Gogan, shown as an actual angel from heaven who we all just wanted the best for.

Of course, Richie chose Alex at the end, leaving Nikki (AND THE REST OF AUSTRALIA) heartbroken.

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After under a year together, Richie and Alex broke up under mysterious circumstances... only to be reunited on Bachelor in Paradise earlier this year for an epic onscreen showdown. They left on peaceful enough terms, but it was a rocky road.

Meanwhile, Nikki's been living her best life.

4. Matty J.

the bachelor season 7 australia

When Georgia Love chose Lee over Matty J in her season of The Bachelor, Australia's collective heart broke for the man who probably should have been a white rapper.

The tears were awkward for precisely all of us and we demanded JUSTICE.

But when he returned to the franchise as the Bachelor, it all felt a bit flat because the love was... genuine. And there from the beginning.

Although we met some of the most memorable Bachie alums - including Leah Costa, Tara Pavlovic and Elora Murger - on Matty J's season, it just felt... meh. We knew who he liked the most.

Matty chose Laura Byrne at the final rose ceremony and the pair have just had a baby girl together (named Marlie-Mae Rose), so maybe we should stop complaining and just enjoy a GODDAMN HAPPY ENDING. Idk idk.

3. Matt Agnew.

the bachelor season 7 australia
SIR.
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Although his season is still underway, Matt Agnew is shaping up to be a fan favourite.

Pretty much every woman (and a few men) in Australia right now has a big ole' crush on Matt because:

A. He wears glasses

B. He's an astrophysicist, which is novel

C. He doesn't seem to be a douche, and

D. He's not the Honey Badger.

He's also given us the season where the term "dogc***" is used on national telly, which is an... interesting development.

Our thoughts are with Osher during these troubling times.

2. Tim Robards.

the bachelor season 7 australia
Tim actually CHOSE SOMEONE and STAYED WITH HER.

Tim was the original, and the second best, Bachelor.

Tim introduced us to the glorious Australian version of this franchise that involves an unnecessary amount of red roses and not quite enough of Osher Gunsberg.

He also introduced us to our very first Stage Five Clinger Ali Oetjen, who went on to become The Bachelorette in 2018 and find her own Prince Charming who wasn't Tim.

Tim (and Oshie) also gave us our first Bachie success story.

At the end of season one, Tim choose Anna Heinrich. The pair are still together and they tied the knot in Italy last year.

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1. Sam Wood.

the bachelor season 7 australia
It's almost... too much.

Coming in at first place is Sam Wood, because of his face and also his... face.

Sam's season of The Bachelor featured the perfect blend of drama and a legitimate love story that we could follow throughout all 16 episodes.

In this season, we were introduced to one of the most memorable members of The Bachelor alumni - Heather Maltman.

After a weird episode involving a superhero outfit and some over-enthusiasm for a sausage, Heather did not receive a rose.

We were then momentarily distracted by Lana Jeavons-Fellows who swooped in at the last second and tried to win Sam's heart.

But in the end we got the happy ending we all deserved - Sam declared his love for Snezana and they rode off into the sunset together as Osher yelled out "Don't worry guys, I'll clean up all these rose petals and take down the unnecessary archway." ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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