real life

A guide to surviving Xmas single, when your primary relationship is with a chicken nugget.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Yes, soon the expiry dates on the milk will start matching my birthday.

For everyone else, it is also Christmas – and one of the most difficult periods of the year for a single person to navigate. From awkward office parties to nosy family members, there is a Santa’s sack full of difficult moments to work your way through.

As a Tinder expert and creator of the Facebook Page, Bad Dates of Melbourne, I’ve had plenty of experience navigating sacks, and would like to offer you my advice on surviving the silly season as a singleton.

Are you dreading your family Christmas? Post continues below.

Video by Mamamia

How do I withstand the work end-of-year party?

The office Christmas party is the perfect opportunity to spend three weeks fantasising about making a move on Kevin from Accounts…before finding out three wines in he has a girlfriend he simply never mentions.

Avoid disappointment by subtly finding out if he has a partner by stalking his Instagram.

Failing this, a frank email requesting disclosure on his relationship status will also work, as you’ll be fired and there’ll be no longer be a party for you to attend.

How do I deal with well-meaning family?

The annual family Christmas do is usually filled with well-meaning relatives whose sole interest in life is finding out whether you have a boyfriend.

This can make for awkward conversation when your primary relationship is with a chicken nugget.

 

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????❤ #tinder #nugget

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Luckily, 42% of marriages end in divorce – giving you an always topical subject to help redirect conversation away from your tragic love life.

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If this doesn’t work, remind everyone that according to Wikipedia, Mariah Carey’s ex-husband plays Santa Claus in the music video for ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’. Slowly exit the room while everybody accepts that even seasonal icons have relationship problems.

How do I overcome social obligations?

There are countless social obligations throughout December for a single person to attend, so it’s important you’re well prepared and have a reasonably believable excuse not to attend most of them.

Try timeless classics such as, “I’m babysitting” or “I have a family function”, so you can spend every evening of the silly season at the most magical, most jolly place in town – on your couch.

If you find yourself trapped at a Christmas party, simply announce that you must depart immediately as you have so many parties to go to. Scull your champagne and run. For an authentic touch, update your Instagram story with a photo of you in a Santa hat from 2005. This will allow you the alone time you need to Google McDonald’s Christmas opening hours in your pyjamas.

Mamamia’s award-winning podcast The Split discusses navigating separation and how to start dating again afterwards. Post continues after audio.

How do I endure the Christmas kitchen?

Many people in relationships work on the assumption that single people are too busy bar-hopping and swiping on Tinder to make any meaningful contribution to the Christmas spread.

Take advantage of this misguided stereotype by showing up to your grandma’s Xmas do with a bowl of Cheezels. You’ll save three hours of cooking, a sink full of dishes and the cost of summoning the fire brigade when you set off the smoke alarm.

If you are celebrating by yourself this silly season, I send you all my love and well wishes. May your cheese platters have the good brie, may Santa bring you a special gift and may you meet a special someone to give you a kiss under the mistletoe…

Just kidding. We’re happy just as we are.

Alita Brydon is a comedy writer and creator of the Facebook Page, Bad Dates of Melbourne. You can follow her on Instagram and on Facebook.

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