Ah, Christmas time, also known as the pointy end of the year when a magnifying glass is held up to your entire life.
December is what I like to call Existential Crisis Month. It’s 31 days of intense, soul-crushing self-exploration, where you’re practically forced to ask yourself questions like “Who the guacamole am I?” and, “What the guacamole am I doing with my life?”
It also happens to be the time of year you see your family the most.
Now, as lovely as this is can be, this scares the ABSOLUTE BEJESUS out of all single people.
Because plates of turkey and ham don’t just come with a side of potato salad, they come with your second cousin Patricia drunkenly asking “So… why isn’t there anyone special in your life, Michelle?”
That question is about as painful as hearing your divorced aunt discuss her revived sex drive – it’s just not something you wanna hear, um, ever.
As a single person, you don’t want to be asked why you’re an unlovable slab of flesh. BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW WHY WE ARE UNDESIRABLE AND UNLOVED, OK? WE JUST ARE.
Now leave us alone in our desperately lonely isolation pls.
Despite the fact I somehow managed to find myself a boyfriend in these last 12 months (don’t worry, I don’t know how I did it either) I have a very specific set of skills when it comes to answering the “is there anyone special in your life?” question.
And because they are annoying as wet socks, here are six ways you singletons can reply to your family members this holiday season:
1. “Why yes Uncle Timothy, yes I do have a boyfriend! His name is Vin – oops, sorry – Vino, and while it’s a potentially destructive relo, I love him anyway.”
2. “No, second-cousin-once-removed Martha. I don’t have a significant other. I’m focusing really hard on the really lucrative career I lie about having on a yearly basis.”
3. “Ummm perhaps a bit TMI for you Dad, but I’m still single because I just really like meet randoms on Tinder and having casual sex.”