real life

A fool-proof guide on how to explain to your family why you're "still single" this Christmas.

Ah, Christmas time, also known as the pointy end of the year when a magnifying glass is held up to your entire life.

Oh, goody.

December is what I like to call Existential Crisis Month. It’s 31 days of intense, soul-crushing self-exploration, where you’re practically forced to ask yourself questions like “Who the guacamole am I?” and, “What the guacamole am I doing with my life?”

It also happens to be the time of year you see your family the most.

Now, as lovely as this is can be, this scares the ABSOLUTE BEJESUS out of all single people.

Why?

Because plates of turkey and ham don’t just come with a side of potato salad, they come with your second cousin Patricia drunkenly asking “So… why isn’t there anyone special in your life, Michelle?”

That question is about as painful as hearing your divorced aunt discuss her revived sex drive – it’s just not something you wanna hear, um, ever.

As a single person, you don’t want to be asked why you’re an unlovable slab of flesh. BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW WHY WE ARE UNDESIRABLE AND UNLOVED, OK? WE JUST ARE.

Now leave us alone in our desperately lonely isolation pls.

Despite the fact I somehow managed to find myself a boyfriend in these last 12 months (don’t worry, I don’t know how I did it either) I have a very specific set of skills when it comes to answering the “is there anyone special in your life?” question.

And because they are annoying as wet socks, here are six ways you singletons can reply to your family members this holiday season:

1. “Why yes Uncle Timothy, yes I do have a boyfriend! His name is Vin – oops, sorry – Vino, and while it’s a potentially destructive relo, I love him anyway.”

2. “No, second-cousin-once-removed Martha. I don’t have a significant other. I’m focusing really hard on the really lucrative career I lie about having on a yearly basis.”

3. “Ummm perhaps a bit TMI for you Dad, but I’m still single because I just really like meet randoms on Tinder and having casual sex.”

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4. “It’s funny you ask, actually, Aunty Arabella! I have been chatting with this cute guy on Instagram in the private chat section. He sent me a pic of his doona cover and, well, I think it might be love…

“We’re moving pretty slow, though. Like on a selfie-by-selfie basis. I might comment an emoji on one of his gym-prep photos soon. Not sure if that’s coming on too strong though, you know?”

5. “Not sure how else to put this, Grandpa, but my number of sexual partners is getting a little bit high so I’m currently working my way back through my exes. Just in the interests of recycling, you know? Save the planet, living a green thumb life, all that jazz.”

6. “Well, nosey family friend Susan, I’m single because I’m fabulous and sassy and need precisely zero man friends. Also, I have super high standards (for good reason) and until somebody reaches them you can find me livin’ my life and being effing amazing in the meantime.”

Now if those replies don’t shut your family and their dumb questions up, I honestly don’t know what will.

You can thank me later.

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