Narcissistic folks who are fun, good at things, and appear in public to be compassionate and generous, often look like they would be as desirable friends and even as marriage partners.
They can be very enjoyable to hang out with. At the same time, are they also good partners when it comes to talking through differences of opinion? Or is there something about how they communicate in a relationship that makes narcissistic folks provocative?
Ever tried to be friends or a love partner with someone who is all about me? Someone who only listens to him or herself?
Listen: You know who’s definitely a narcissist? Donald Trump. Mia Freedman and Amelia Lester discuss.
A partner who changes the topic, gets defensive or gets mad at you when you try to talk about difficulties you’ve been experiencing?
Narcissistic functioning at core is a disorder of listening. Think of it as one-sided listening, with multiple features that emerge as a result. The desire to sustain a friendship, never mind a love relationship, can quickly fade with someone who does not seem to see or hear you, who dismissively pushes away what you say, and who may be quick to anger if you attempt nonetheless to express your viewpoint.
The Narcissism Quiz
The following quiz suggests six dimensions for assessing narcissism. Score each dimension from 0 to 5. Zero is not at all. Five is all the time.
First assess yourself. Then circle back to score someone in your life who is difficult to deal with.
The goal: See your and others’ patterns clearly. Clarity is a strong first step toward being able to make changes for the better.
Sign #1: Unilateral listening.
What I want and what I have to say are all that matters when we talk together. When we make decisions what you want, your concerns, your feelings… these are mere whispers, inconveniences and irrelevancies. So when we discuss issues, my opinions are right. Yours are wrong or else of minimal importance. If you expect to have input, you are undermining me.
Narcissistic listening dismisses, negates, ignores, minimises, denigrates or otherwise renders irrelevant other people’s concerns and comments. A tone of contempt is particularly strong narcissistic indicator.
Another narcissistic indicator is responding to what others say by beginning with the word “But….” But is a backspace-delete key that negates whatever came before, such as what someone else has said. The but eraser deletes others’ viewpoints from the discussion.
Sign #2 It’s all about me.
I know more, I know better, I’m more interesting, When we talk, it’s mostly about me. In conversations, I take up most of the airtime. Almost all of my chatter is about what I have done, what I am thinking about.
If you begin to talk about yourself, I link back to something in my life so that the focus of the discussion again turns to me. Maybe that’s why people say I suck up all the air in a room.
When I want something, I need to have it. Never mind how you feel about it; it’s all about me. I’m big and important and you are merely also here, mostly to do things for me, like a third arm.
Sign #3: The rules don’t apply to me.
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I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes, and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want.. Rules are for other people to follow.
Narcissists suffer from what I call Tall Man Syndrome. They experience themselves as above others, so the rules don’t apply to them.
Sign #4: Your concerns are really criticisms of me, and I hate being criticised.
Narcissists paradoxically manifest both an inflated idea of their own importance and quickness to feel deflated by negative feedback. Criticism hurts. I can criticise others, and often do, but if you criticise me you’re hurting my feelings so I’ll hurt you back.
If you say you are at all unhappy, that’s a way of indirectly criticising me.
Because narcissists think everything is about them, they hear others’ attempts to talk about personal feelings as veiled criticisms of themselves. Since “it’s all about me” your feelings must be about what I have been doing. If you are talking about your feelings, even if they were engendered by situations at work or with friends that have nothing to do with me, I interpret your negative feelings as indirect criticism of me.
The clinical term for taking others' concerns as personal criticism is personalising. "I'm feeling lonely," gets heard by someone who is narcissistic as an accusation: "You don't spend enough time with me."
Narcissists paradoxically manifest both an inflated idea of their own importance and quickness to feel deflated by negative feedback.
Sign #5: I'm right. You're wrong. So when things go wrong between us, it’s always your fault.
I can’t be expected to apologise or to admit blame. I’m above others and above reproach. If you expect me to say how I’ve contributed to a problem, I’ll get mad at you.
Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes may come from confusing the part with the whole. "If I've done one thing that's not right, then I must be all bad." That's all-or-nothing thinking.
Whatever the source of the sensitivity to criticism and difficulty admitting mistakes, the upshot is a tendency to blame others when anything has gone wrong. Blaming and fault-finding in others feel safer to narcissists than looking to discover, learn and grow from their own part in difficulties.
While narcissists are quick to blame, they may be slow to appreciate. Appreciation and gratitude require listening.
Sign #6: I may be quick to anger but when I get angry, it's because you...
You made me mad. You didn’t listen to me. You criticised me. You’re trying to control me. Your view is wrong. So you need to apologise, not me.
If I’m mad, it's because I'm frustrated by what you are doing. I'm only made because you ... "
Narcissists often show major charm and social agility. At the same time, these seemingly super-confident folks can be quick to anger. When they do become inflamed, they then immediately blame their anger on others.
What does this score indicate?
Scores of 10 or less indicates healthy to average range.
Too much narcissism in your habits would be indicated by a total score higher than 10. Pay attention to your "narcissism lite" and you may fairly easily be able to lower that score considerably.
A total score of 18 or higher spells significant narcissistic habits that probably do not serve you well. Time to make some serious habit changes!
A score of 24 or higher would indicate serious problems with narcissism. Hopefully you will commit yourself to some serious personal growth.
Note that these score interpretations are based on general patterns, not an experimentally validated scoring system. They are meant as a personal heads-up, not a clinical diagnosis.
How about you?
Do people tell you that you seem to take up all the space in the room because conversations with you so frequently take an "it' all about me" turn?
When others express feelings and concerns, is your reaction "Well what about me?"
Do you monologue or pontificate, assuming that you know best, instead of sharing equal air time and valuing others' inputs?
These habits all are narcissistic indicators.
Dr Susan Heitler a clinical psychologist from Denver, Colorado, is the author of The Power of Two, a book, workbook, and interactive website that teach the skills for converting narcissistic patterns to patterns that sustain healthy relationships.