1. Calling your partner your “everything”.
A friend of mine, after dating a girl for about six months, texted me and said, “she means everything to me.” Six months after that, he proposed, and now they’re married.
I’m sure they’ll stay “happily-ever-after” married forever. But sometimes I still think about that text and feel a little like: uh. k.
When you make your partner your “everything,” you are saying that everything else — yourself included — is nothing.
You’re suggesting— like, out loud— that the rest of your life doesn’t mean anything. That without your partner in it, you’d be left with little to live for.
That’s not romantic. It’s not cute. And it’s definitely not healthy.
2. Constant communication.
Look, communication is good. Great. Real pillar of a strong relationship right there — good job.
Constant communication, however, is weird. And not okay.
One of my guy friends started dating this girl, and I don’t know if it was her or him or both of them (my money’s on both) but those two would talk on the phone like a dozen times a day. She would just call him sporadically with something that, the first few times, seemed like a legitimate important issue, and he’d excuse himself and be all, “brb” but then wouldn’t come back for like an hour.
And it would happen multiple times a day. Always.
And then he damn married her. And as far as I know, they still spend hours of their days doing this.
That’s not okay after like 7th grade. What the hell are you people doing with your lives? Emotional self-sufficiency goes a long, long way. You shouldn’t be relying on your partner for company or reassurance any time you have a thought or eat something.
3. Thinking all of your emotions are valid.
Sweetie, I tell you this because I care about you: not all of your emotions have legs.
Yes, your emotions are real — nobody is telling you you aren’t allowed to feel what you feel. Absolutely, acknowledge everything that you feel if that makes you feel good. But acknowledging that you feel something doesn’t mean those feelings need to be acknowledged and honoured by everyone else.
Some sh*t should be self-managed.
Just like every thought that pops into our heads isn’t worth saying out loud, sometimes every emotion that you have isn’t worth saying out loud. Some of those should feelings are half-baked and better off regulated by yourself.
4. Asking them to ‘fix’ your emotional issues.
Similar, but bigger picture.
Your partner is not responsible for your emotional wellbeing. Nobody can fix your emotional issues but you.
Your partner “not being there for you,” or being “unsympathetic to your crappy day,” or being “distant” during a hug, or going out with friends instead of comforting you — all examples of you expecting them to take care of you, instead of taking care of yourself.
“Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop codependent tendencies.”