The scientific reason men sleep with women and never call them.

Ask a room full of women if any of them have been ghosted after sex and you won’t just get a few hands raised.

There’ll be a stampede.

Because it’s a situation that many of us know all too well. (Which honestly f**king sucks.)

A quick poll around the Mamamia office showed that the majority of my colleagues could definitely relate.

“I brought a guy home after a night out,” said Mel. “We did the deed and I went downstairs to pee and get a glass of water when I intercepted him leaving through my garage door.”

Um... what?

“I flicked the garage light on and said BYEEEE,” she told me. “And then he RAN down my driveway.”

Watch: ICYMI: Ghosting - you date someone and then they just disappear. Post continues after video.

This all made a lot more sense when Mel found out the next day that he... had a girlfriend.

Heather had a similar experience, even though she was painfully likely to run into the guy again. Because they worked in the same building. Honestly, it’s like guys don’t even think this stuff through.

Meanwhile, Taylor's date... stole her garage key card to make his great escape.

“He’d parked in my building, so the next morning I handed him my key card to get his car out,” she said. 

“I didn’t think for a second that I wouldn’t see him again. Two weeks later I gave in and paid the concierge $50 for a new key card.”

So... what the F is going on? 

There's one question that often plagues so many of us when this sort of thing happens: "Is it me?"

And the answer is no, it most certainly is not. So that's sort of comforting. I guess. 

It is, in fact, science. Goddamn science. And it all comes down to hormones and our bodily functions, says sex and relationships expert Alina Rose.

“The chemical exposure of sex releases dopamine which then radically drops after the act,” she says.

While this means that both men and women can lose interest in the aftermath, women tend to “go into fantasy and wishful thinking”, she says, asking themselves what it all means and whether they’ll see each other again.

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A post shared by Alina Berdichevsky (@iamalinarose)

As a classic overthinker, I can relate.

“Pretty much all the women I speak to who like the guy they've slept with on the first date have a level of remorse for getting jiggy too quickly. Because, on an innate level, we feel like something has changed,” Alina said.

And it has: "our emotional chemistry", she adds.

But this isn't necessarily the same story for penis owners.

“For men, once their dopamine drops, the experience (or dare I say, energetic ‘transaction’) feels complete, so they may never give you a moment’s thought again, and move onto the next hunt – the next dopamine fix,” the sexpert said.

Obviously, this isn't true for all men, nor are all women engaging in post-coital pining. It's also not an excuse for rude behaviour. 

But it goes a little way to explaining why dudes will occasionally swipe our garage keys and tiptoe out in the middle of the night after a cheeky bang.

“Men do not intend to be callous," insists Aline. 

"These hormone spikes and lulls are out of our conscious control. If you and your date are vibing and sleeping together feels like the natural next step, you may both have high hopes for the relationship. 

However, your dopamine WILL drop at the end, and this inevitable hangover and almost icky cloud may now cover your connection, instead of the promise of love, more dates and more time together.”

The bonding biology.

Okay, so this all sounds like bad news. Is there anything we can actually do to ensure that our date isn’t a dopamine dropout?

“If you like someone, just wait!” according to Alina. 

“You need to create an oxytocin foundation by getting to know each other and bonding emotionally. That way, when the dopamine drops a bit when you inevitably do have sex, there will be plenty of oxytocin to keep you close and remain connected to each other.”

It sounds like quite a delicate balancing act. And of course, if you feel like having sex straight away, go for it, because it's your body and you get to do whatever you like with it.

As sex and relationship therapist Selina Nguyen explains, it should be less about rules and more about having guidelines for yourself that make you feel good. 

“You want to get a basic understanding of why you want to have sex and the intention,” she told Mamamia. “If you want to have sex on the first date because it feels right and you’re connecting with this person, wonderful – go for it. 

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A post shared by Selina (@sexwith_sel)

“But if you’re doing it just to keep that person interested, or to feel like you’ve accomplished something, maybe hold off for a while, because it’s not a recipe for good sex.” 

Which is definitely food for thought, because while it may seem hot to sleep with a relative stranger, it might just turn out to be a letdown. Both in the sack and out of it.

But even then, even if you wait three, five, 10 dates to do the deed, nothing’s set in stone. So how do we protect ourselves from potential duds?

“It’s recognising that we can never fully protect our emotions, and that’s what we have to pay to play the game,” Selina said. 

“As long as we’re honest with ourselves and doing our best to communicate along the way, it’s going to be a whirlwind of emotions, because that’s what sex is all about.”

Image: Getty.

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