The average Instagram feed rolls like Vogue meets a friggin’ rap video meets Martha Stewart. Everything looks so f**king fabulous.
Ladies’ faces never have moustaches, broken capillaries or croissant crumbs on them. Legs don’t feature varicose veins so thick you could use them as a ski rope, nor do they sport beards that could rival a Clydesdale’s.
Arses (clearly on display with 80 per cent of bikini material happily marooned in bum cracks) never have pimples on them. Nope, those things are smooth, pert and peachy – the sort of bottom that could receive a little smack and not even wobble. Mine has been shaking like a Chihuahua from a spanking I received in 1997 for f**k’s sake.
And the food. Good lord, the food.
The other day I was innocently scrolling when my eyeballs were accosted by a pancake with tiny ornamental flowers on it. My garden doesn’t even have any bloody flowers and this Instagram yahoo is adorning pancakes with them?!
And don’t get me started on the smoothie bowls that are more colourful than a urine specimen obtained after a Contiki tour and require a fine arts degree to con-struct. Those lines of rare fruits are so straight they could be used to test Pythagorus’ theorem. Christ on a bike, I haven’t seen such commitment to line formation since my 2009 trip around South America.
These things might be pretty to look at but are they giving us unrealistic expectations? F**king oath they are!
These perfect meals that require four hours of piss-farting around aren’t realistic for day-to-day life. We don’t have the f**ks to spare for that.
For most, reality isn’t spotless homes, flawless skin or outfits that would require you to remortgage your home/start pimping out your anus for cash-money. For many of us, reality is paper towel as napkins, slap-up dinners and trackies.
Those perfectly curated images are not from the real world, and the problem with them is they can make you feel like a knob in comparison. Just like at Chrissie when you’re faced with countless photos showing that ‘perfect’ Christmas Day and you’re left wondering if you’re the only one with photos of adult tantrums. Or of a preschooler sulking because Nanna f**ked up and got the wrong train.
Or the weird uncle who got drunk and took a whizz on the rug.
This is why I keep Shannon’s Kitchen real. I keep it honest. Sometimes too honest, like the time I told everyone about the hair on my bottom that I called Mr Iglesias. Or the unfortunate occasion I compared my green smoothie to the contents of an ileostomy bag.
Or when I revealed my partner drops pubes around the bathroom like confetti at a Mardi Gras.
We are faced with too much perfection online so my tip is to cull the hell out of your social media and leave only the people who are inspiring, funny or make you think.
Sure, you can keep ogling those flashy accounts for a visual treat but remember they are ever so slightly full of shit. After snapping that perfect shot they might've put that glowing acai bowl in the bin and drove straight to ol’ Ronald to get balls deep in a Big Mac.
Maybe the secret to that Insta-famous babe’s svelte figure is a good filter and cocaine. And maybe, just maybe, that wedgie-sporting hottie has foundation on her bottom.
You just never bloody know.
Shannon Kelly White is the author of Shannon's Kitchen: Healthy Food You'll Actually F**king Eat, the most 'ridiculous, inappropriate healthy food cookbook in the history of the world'. You can order your copy of her book on the Shannon's Kitchen website, and follow Shannon on Facebook and Instagram.
Do you feel like Instagram sets unrealistic expectations for 'meal prep' and healthy eating?
Side note - Mia Freedman argues the case for a far more 'realistic' Instagram feed on Mamamia Out Loud.