Excuse me, but WTAF is going on with bikini bottoms this year?

“Darling your new bathers arrived in the mail yesterday,” my mum told me, handing me the package. “Do you want to try them on before I wrap them up for Christmas?”

(Yes, I’m a fully grown adult who moved out over a year ago and my mother still buys me a Christmas present to put under the tree and calls me “darling”. I hit the jackpot.)

I tore through the ‘express delivery’ plastic like Tinkerbell was under there. I pulled them out.

They look gorgeous, I thought smugly. Who said you shouldn’t buy bathers online? Pah! Fools! Total suckers! These bad boys are the exact same bright blue as shown on the website, the cut of the top looks really flattering, I like the material, and they are such a cute pair of botto–

Wait.

These bottoms look… petite. Where is… the other half of them?

Listen: The Mamamia Out Loud team discuss the problematic nature of the g-string bikini. Post continues after audio. 

I looked at the tag. The words “moderately cheeky” were emblazoned on the back.

Ah f**k.

And that – dear reader friends – was the first time I realised that the bikini bottoms of 2017 are not like the bikini bottoms of 2016. Or 2006. Or any of the years ever except for maybe 1986.

Home for the next week ???? swim by @tigermist

A post shared by MADI EDWARDS☀️ (@madi_edwards) on Nov 5, 2017 at 1:45am PST

MOANA IS MORE THAN A BIKINI It’s a total lifestyle! Welcome to being a carefree, beautiful and confident girl! These looks are currently available and on sale at 40% off on our website. Want to shop these looks? SHOP LINK IN BIO☝???? #MOANABIKINI.COM

A post shared by MOANA BIKINI (@moana_bikini) on Oct 30, 2017 at 5:11pm PDT

Tan lines #wanderlustswim

A post shared by WANDERLUST SWIM (@wanderlust_swim) on Nov 20, 2017 at 10:07pm PST

The bikini bottoms of 2017 are about half the size and made for women with A) a Victoria’s Secret bum and B) who have never had an ingrown hair in their entire life. I do not have a Victoria’s Secret bum… and I have had approximately 100 ingrown hairs in my lifetime.

Now don’t get me wrong – these “cheeky” bikini bottoms look downright amazing on many, many women. A quick trip to my local beach on Monday proved that women of all shapes and sizes can pull these off.

But. There’s a but. (And obviously a helluva lot of butt. But I digress.)

YOU ASKED . . We ANSWERED BABY | THE p i p e r NOW COMES IN WHITE ⚡︎ EVERYTHING ˂ ˂ LAHANASWIM.COM

A post shared by LA H A N A S W I M (@lahanaswim) on Nov 19, 2017 at 7:41pm PST

No cold shoulders in sunny Mexico! With @prigasqui wearing our Havana Stripe Cold Shoulder Bandeau and Hipster. #seafolly

A post shared by Seafolly Australia (@seafollyaustralia) on Sep 14, 2017 at 2:12am PDT

A post shared by Fae Swim (@faeswim) on Nov 23, 2017 at 3:13am PST

The lack of coverage of these teeny weeny bikini bottoms has me asking a few questions.

What if I have those lil’ red bumps from shaving, and I don’t exactly want them on display to the world? What if I have my period but don’t want people to know I have my period? What if I have a bum pimple – a bimple? What if I’m at the beach with my family, who don’t want to see the inner workings of my reproductive organs on a Sunday afternoon? Will I be arrested for indecent exposure? What if it’s been a while between shaves/waxes/laser appointments? What if I’m going all 1970s and have therefore sworn off shaves/waxes/laser appointments? What if I just want my bum to feel the sweet, sweet embrace of fabric, huh? WHAT IF?

I enter this summer with none of The Big Questions answered. Instead, I enter with a cold feeling in my soul and on my left and right bum cheek. Oh, and I enter the summer with is imagery like this:

A post shared by Emily Ratajkowski (@emrata) on Nov 23, 2017 at 1:13pm PST

#SaveBikiniBottoms2017