“Darling your new bathers arrived in the mail yesterday,” my mum told me, handing me the package. “Do you want to try them on before I wrap them up for Christmas?”
(Yes, I’m a fully grown adult who moved out over a year ago and my mother still buys me a Christmas present to put under the tree and calls me “darling”. I hit the jackpot.)
I tore through the ‘express delivery’ plastic like Tinkerbell was under there. I pulled them out.
They look gorgeous, I thought smugly. Who said you shouldn’t buy bathers online? Pah! Fools! Total suckers! These bad boys are the exact same bright blue as shown on the website, the cut of the top looks really flattering, I like the material, and they are such a cute pair of botto–
These bottoms look… petite. Where is… the other half of them?
Listen: The Mamamia Out Loud team discuss the problematic nature of the g-string bikini. Post continues after audio.
I looked at the tag. The words “moderately cheeky” were emblazoned on the back.
And that – dear reader friends – was the first time I realised that the bikini bottoms of 2017 are not like the bikini bottoms of 2016. Or 2006. Or any of the years ever except for maybe 1986.