Should you have a ‘sex schedule’ with your partner? A sex coach confirms your fears.

When I suggest scheduling sex to my clients, it’s not always met with joy.

They often perceive it as the final nail in their lacklustre sex life. And whilst they may not be totally onboard at the start, I can’t tell you how many couples have really benefited from trying this approach.

New to the concept? Scheduling sex is basically an agreement made between sexual partners – where they pencil in a time to have ‘sex’. I say pencil because it should always be met with flexibility, especially if someone isn’t into it on the agreed day. The frequency of scheduling is really up to the individual; it could range from multiple times a week to a few times a year, and it doesn’t have to include the hetero (and limited) definition of sex most people have (*ahem* naked penetration ending in orgasm). But it can include a whole range of sexual experiences. 

We’ve all been fed this myth that if you love someone sex should ‘be easy’, but sometimes, it’s just so far down your to-do list, so here are a few reasons why I suggest scheduling sex.

Watch: Samantha X is Australia’s highest paid high-class escort. Here’s what she wants you to know about how to have better sex. Post continues after video.

Desire 101

When you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you may notice a change in your desire for your partner. Perhaps at the start you couldn’t keep your hands off each other, everything felt new, unknown and exciting. But over time, your relationship has evolved. You’ve started paying bills together, you’ve smelt their farts, you’re juggling more life responsibilities with them, and sex no longer feels that exciting. This is so normal. In these moments, it’s important we understand what desire actually is – and that there are two ways of experiencing it.

Stay with me – I’m only going to get a little bit sex geeky. But if you want more on this, you should definitely read Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are.

On the one end of the spectrum, we have spontaneous desire. This refers to a motivation for sex that seemingly comes out of nowhere – with very little stimulus you think ‘Oh, sex. Yeah I want to do that.’ My clients who are spontaneous often note that they’re pretty much interested in sex whenever. It’s often front of mind for them constantly.

Then, on the other end of the spectrum, we have responsive desire. This refers to a motivation for sex that comes in response to a stimulus. This could be a 30min neck kiss, watching a sex scene, seeing your partner in their element, going on a date, or even just lying naked on the bed (highly recommend this velvet one from Luxo Living). 

It’ll be different for everyone, but responsive desire is actually the far more common way of experiencing desire. Typically, at the start of the relationship, people identify with spontaneous desire, but as the intimacy builds and the fire dies out, they are more responsive in their desire. 

Sound familiar? Cue: scheduling sex. This allows them to create a context for sex, to engage their turn-ons, to limit some of the turn-offs, and to make sex feel like a good idea again.

Takes the pressure off

Often it’s the pressure of not having sex that feels so overwhelming. 

My clients will be fully aware of how many days, weeks or months it’s been since they last had sex. They are fixated on the quantity and how often they ‘should’ be having sex to maintain a healthy relationship. Over the years I’ve noticed a recurring theme – when clients feel like they should be having more sex they will think about it every day – the dread of another day going past where they haven't had sex with their partner.

When my clients explore scheduling sex, they’ll identify it takes the pressure off them. They feel a sense of ease knowing they can get excited, prepared or even in the right frame of mind. But it’s also worth noting that some people find scheduling sex adds a whole lot of stress and anxiety. 

The mere thought of having a set time can feel too awkward, vulnerable or that they’re committing to something they may not actually want – if you can relate to this, then perhaps scheduling isn’t for you. Don't worry if that's the case, as I’m sure something else will support you – perhaps it’ll be useful to book in with a practitioner and work through it!

Side note: Samantha X and Dr. Lauren Rosewarne discuss mismatched libidos. Post continues after audio.

Supports connection when life takes over

When you’re busy, stressed, or overwhelmed with work or just life in general, sex falls down the list of priorities. You’re operating in survival mode. 

More often than not, it's not the act of sex couples miss – it’s the moment of connection and intimacy they long for with their partner. By simply having it in the diary, they can start to look forward to it, they create a routine around doing something special, send cheeky texts throughout the day, and bring sex front of mind.

As an initial step, I’ll often challenge my clients to take sex off the cards entirely and start with daily moments of intimacy – kissing with tongue, jumping in the shower together, getting close and cuddly on a boucle chair, etc. 

I set this challenge as an opportunity to start redefining sex together, and these smaller, more accessible moments make sex as a whole feel less daunting.  

Scheduling sex isn’t for everyone (but literally what is ‘for everyone’ when it comes to sex?). This is a useful tool that has supported many of my clients over the years. When you can start to challenge and examine ideas that ‘sex must always be spur of the moment to be sexy’ and start embracing planning or prioritising your sex lives, you will start having more and better sex. 

Image: Canva + Mamamia. 

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