politics

Air purifying fans & a $1899 Sous Vide machine: This is Scott Morrison's uncensored money diary.

On February 9, the Daily Telegraph published a story listing the items paid for by public money for the Morrisons’ two homes in Sydney and Canberra, including four air-purifying Dyson fans worth more than $3000 and an $1899 Sous Vide machine. So we imagined what Scott Morrison’s weekly money diary really looks like. 

Age: 51

Industry: Politics

Salary: $549,250

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Housing: One family home, plus the two I get to live in because of my job

Assets: Car, laptop, extensive collection of Cronulla Sharks paraphernalia

Regular expenses

Netflix: $0, I use Jenny’s account

Fox Sports: $0, because Rupert likes me

Private school fees: $15,000

Holidays in Hawaii: $30,000

Sunday – Day one.

The weekend is nearing an end so I spend the day on a plane heading back from Hawaii. I put my feet up and relax as I watch the in-flight entertainment. Sadly there’s no footy but the airline does have all of Tina Arena’s discography, so that keeps me occupied.

I wasn’t able to make it to church today, but I say a little prayer: Thank you Lord, for the warm sands of Oahu and the Cronulla Sharks.

I arrive at Kirribilli House and switch on all four of my Dyson fans. I purchased them last year – well, actually the taxpayer purchased them last year (thanks!) – but they’ve proven to be a wonderful investment.

The filters keep out that pesky bush fire smoke outside, so I can pretend I’m still on a Hawaiian beach, with fresh air, a Hawaiian shirt and cheeky pina colada.

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Daily total: $0.

Monday – Day two.

I get up early and am pleased to see the cleaner has already made use of the $2178 Speed Queen industrial washing machine the taxpayer purchased me just before Christmas – it’s big enough to fit all my Hawaiian shirts in one load. A sound investment.

I jump in the car and am driven to Canberra. Normally I’d fly, but I have a real hankering for Maccas hotcakes for breaky and what better place to get them than Engadine McDonalds on the way south? I order the hotcakes, plus a couple of hash browns and a large hot chocolate ($13.15 – but I’ll probably get that reimbursed later, it’s a work expense after all).

Upon arriving in Canberra the day goes by like most others: I yell at someone in the House and talk about how good Australia is, even with the bushfires, floods and firies who tell me to get f***ed.

I hold a press conference about the most important topic I can think of right now – religious freedom – then retire to The Lodge for the night.

I crack open a bottle of Brown Brothers Patricia Chardonnay 2012. It reportedly cost $37.62, but I don’t know for sure since you guys paid for it.

Daily total: $13.15, but it’ll be $0 once the reimbursement comes into my account tomorrow.

Tuesday – Day three.

Another day in Canberra. I use my Delonghi Nespresso coffee machine to make myself a cappuccino. It’s more than a year old now, so I make a note to ask about acquiring a new one. I then make a breakfast smoothie with my Kinetix blender. Both are wonderful appliances, and definitely much-needed.

Most of the day is a blur: Parliamentary debates, press conferences and listening to Tina Arena on Spotify.

Before jumping on a plane back to Sydney I quickly visit The Lodge to pick up the $1899 Polyscience Sous Vide Professional Classic Immersion Circulator taxpayers purchased last July. I have no idea what it does… But it cost taxpayers $1899 and the least I can do is use it.

Back home in the Shire I ask Jenny for help with the Sous Vide. We don’t quite… get it, so I chuck some Vegemite on toast and call it a day.

Daily total: $0.

Wednesday – Day four.

It’s another sitting day in Parliament and the taxpayers can definitely afford to fly me back and forth between Sydney and Canberra each day. Cheers, you’re a good sort.

Anyway, I arrive to a cappuccino from Peter Dutton. I smile and bin it when he’s not looking. I’ll get my own, thanks very much! After asking my chief of staff to grab me a caffeine fix I head into the chamber for a day of scoffing and eye rolls.

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Following an afternoon press conference, I give Jacinda Ardern a call. She does not answer.

I gather a number of wine bottles from The Lodge’s cellar and take them back home. We’re inviting friends over for dinner tonight.

Daily total: $0.

Thursday – Day five.

Goodness. I wake up choking on smoke, which is highly unpleasant. I demand two of the four Dyson fans be delivered to my house from Kirribilli, quick smart. I’m relieved when they arrive as breathing smokey air can’t be good for my prime ministerial lungs. I wonder what the air quality is like in Hawaii today?

I BET IT IS NICE AND FRESH.

I take a few calls and read The Australian back to front. It's outstanding.

The NRL season is nearing and so I head to Shark Park to check out the boys training. I fill up with petrol on the way ($60 charged to my travel allowance card, paid for by... you guessed it, you! How good).

After catching up with the lads I head back home and dial into a meeting with the Deputy Prime Minister. We talk a bit of policy, but mainly laugh at the inner-city lefties. Did you smell the smoke this morning? Same, what was with that???

I whip up a curry for the family for dinner with ingredients Jenny got from the local Aldi. We usually shop local, but Aldi had a lovely Sharks-coloured throw we couldn't pass up in its special buys ($55).

Daily total: $55.

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Friday - Day six.

Oh bother. I woke up to messages informing me about another leadership challenge. I spend the morning sending off texts, making sure I have the support of my colleagues. Many rally behind me, but the threat cannot be underestimated.

I got so caught up I forgot to eat breakfast, so order a Big Mac combo on Uber Eats. I probably could've sent one of my AFP security, but hey, I've been pretty savvy with my half a million dollar salary lately, so what's $20?

The rest of the afternoon is spent on the phone to my staff. They take my advice and totally ignore the leadership drama, instead issuing a late afternoon press release on national security. Not for any particular reason, but that's always a fun conversation.

Jenny and the girls arrive home just in time for The Chase. We like to play along as a family. I never seem to win, but I guess I can't be good at everything.

We use the Sous Vide machine to make dinner, and enjoy a glass of wine from a leftover bottle taken from The Lodge. This time it was a Pierro LTC Sauvignon Blanc Semillion 2018 and it cost you, dear taxpayer, only $30.26.

Daily total: $20.

Saturday - Day seven.

Apparently my team uploaded a(nother) badly photoshopped image to Twitter this morning which is annoying, because I'd planned a round of golf but now I'm distracted by the memes. I inquire about professional photoshop training for them - paid for by all Australians.

I'm off to Hawaii tomorrow so I head along to church today. This is my ideal weekend actually - a catch up with the man upstairs before catching a flight.

I download the week's Home and Away episodes to keep me entertained. I heard Alf gets married? What a true blue Aussie. It's a shame he's not real, because surely he'd vote for me.

I throw all my Hawaiian shirts in a suitcase and make sure my security are prepared for the flight as well. I've paid for my own flights and accommodation ($10,000) but taxes covers security. It really is wonderful that you guys understand my need for protection at all times - and I know for a fact the AFP guys love the Hawaiian beaches too.

Aloha!

Daily total: $10,000.

Weekly total: $10,000.

Reflection: I have to say, I'm impressed by how well I use taxpayer dollars. Rest assured I am extremely grateful for it all, especially the $1899 Sous Vide. How good is being Prime Minister?

* Note. This is not Scott Morrison's real money diary. 

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