'Sarah Paulson lives in a 500-square-foot "trailer". It looks exactly like I thought it would.’

On the edge of Malibu, California, rests Sarah Paulson's 500-square-foot display of pure wealth. 

The kind of wealth you can't exactly show off - unless of course said wealth is so hypnotically beautiful that Architectural Digest wants to film every nook and cranny for their Open Door series on YouTube. Which, in this situation, just so happens to be the case. 

Sarah Paulson is a living legend. A titan in Hollywood, although she probably would be too humble to call herself one (out loud). But debatably her truest talent, the one she might be most proud of, is her ability to pick a good interior designer.

Watch: The holiday mistakes that attract burglars. Post continues after video. 

Because this "trailer" is beyond imagination - well more like my imagination because I myself am not a titan in Hollywood and couldn't even afford to park a car in Malibu. 

I know making fun of universally adored celebrities isn't everyone's cup of tea. In a world that is perfect, it wouldn't be mine either. But tearing down a white kitchen with $50,000 slabs of seafoam green marble brings me a sense of joy I'm not sure even my newborn baby could. 

Now, before we jump into it, Paulson wants us to remember this is a very small place. It is also not her primary residence which is a very rich person thing to have a primary residence, but alas. 

First, she shows us her very small living room where she needed to have a very small sofa specifically made for the space because it is very small. 

A dollhouse, basically. Image: AD.

It's also a home, Paulson tells us, that she bought specifically because her dog loves the beach. That's a perfect reason to shell out money for a property if you ask me. 

It was all designed by Amy Kehoe, who describes the "trailer" as "sophisticated whimsy". If you're unsure about what exactly that is, it just means the house is out of your price range but they don't want to make it look like it is.

A coffee table with scalloped edges. Because why not? Image: AD.

I also shouldn't forget to mention the reading nook, which requires two legs and a whole lot of bravado to climb up the makeshift ladder to get there. 

Important to note: There is not a single book in sight.

I mean. There's not much to it. Sorry. Image: AD.

Next, comes the kitchen. Which is certainly not a "trailer" kitchen, but because it's Sarah Paulson's kitchen, I'll accept it. 

I feel pure resentment when I look at it because, if I'm being honest, it looks like the type of space I could raise a cat and never long for another single thing for the rest of my life. 

What a trailer kitchen looks like. In case you were wondering. Image: AD.

I don't spot a dishwasher which makes me curious to know who exactly would wash the dishes because it absolutely cannot be you Ms. Sarah Paulson. 

WHERE IS THE DISHWASHER?! Image: AD.

Paulson then shimmies us into the only bedroom. More "sophisticated" than the living room, less "whimsy" than the kitchen. 

And need I remind you, it's small? Perfect and tiny and cute and small. 

I don't think Sarah Paulson has ever slept in a bedroom this tiny. Image: AD.

The room is wrapped in purple wallpaper - the kind you'd find at a bookshop. Situated near the beach. In Malibu. 

And all I can think is that it's the perfect place to be the morning after a big night out.

It's not exactly spacious, but it is definitely expensive because most of the furniture was handmade to fit into the room. 

While it's perfect, I would dare argue my bathroom is bigger than this. As it turns out, even her bathroom is bigger than this because right off the master bedder is her ensuite. 

And. It. Is. Magnificent. 

It's the most basic bougie bathroom I've ever seen. Image: AD.

Washed in sunlight (I sound like a real estate agent) and filled with all the necessary amenities (seriously Ray White, give me a call), it is the most basic bougie bathroom I've ever seen. 

It has fancy crystal rock sconce lights from Italy, and a towel thicker than my mattress. This bathroom has exactly the right amount of preposterous wealth I expect from celebrities. I feel satiated, somehow.

Now those are some good lightbulbs. Image: AD.

Now, while this "trailer" is very humble, it is also not very humble because there is a courtyard. It's simple and also very important because Paulson needs somewhere to wash her feet after walking on the beach. 

Also, where else would her dog poop?

No dog poop. But a lot of purple. Image: AD.

And that, my friends, is the end of the tour. 

All I'll say is if I ever had the opportunity to live here, the only thing I'd bring is a book. And a dishwasher. And maybe a puppy pee pad.

You can watch Sarah Paulson's full house tour here: 

Feature Image: AD.

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