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Russell Brand confessed something very bad in a profile and everyone with kids is furious.

Russell Brand has never changed a nappy.

Now, that would be fine.

The only problem with that fact is that 43-year-old Brand is the father of two real life human babies, two-year-old Mabel and six-month-old Peggy.

We’re going to go out on a limb here and assume both children urinate and defecate inside something that resembles a nappy and that multiple times throughout the day, those nappies get changed. 

If this were a riddle, then the part that comes next would be: So, who changes the babies nappies? 

And the answer, in case you hadn’t put it together yet, is Laura Gallacher. Their mother.

Refusing to change nappies is not a crime. Perhaps Brand does all the other things! Like bottles and baths and doctors appointments!

But Brand does not do all the other things. 

We know this because he told us.

Russell Brand and Laura Gallacher. Image via Instagram.
Russell Brand and Laura Gallacher. Image via Instagram.

Speaking to The Sunday Times Magazine, Brand said he had never spent 24 hours alone with his children.

The comedian and host of the podcast 'Under The Skin with Russell Brand', joked that his wife Gallacher would never let him because "she respects and cares for them too much."

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At this point, he could still be trying to make us laugh. Brand, after all, first made a name for himself as a comedian.

“When I looked after Mabel on her own, she dropped two social classes in an hour,” Brand told interviewer Decca Aitkenhead.

Ha-ha. Very funny.

You see, Brand sees himself as more of a "romantic and reflective" person. He's "sensitive and awake and aware," and of course "very focused on the mystical connotations of Mabel’s beauty and grace."

And therefore, he's not cut out for full time parenting.

The implication, of course, is that Gallacher is... not a romantic or particularly reflective person. She mustn't have the same amount of sensitivity or spiritual awareness, so cleaning poo and vomit must suit her. Mabel probably isn't all that 'graceful' at 4am when she refuses to go to sleep.

Does Brand think that every man or woman who 'parents' actually wants to parent in that very moment?

Does he think people jump out of bed, desperate to be confronted with mess and infants who won't stop crying for reasons that are entirely unclear?

As a colleague put it, "I always want to be a mother. I don't always feel like parenting."

But it's the day in the life of Brand that provides perhaps the most insightful detail.

He says: "I get up, I meditate and I pray. I go and see Mabel and Peggy. I go for a run with the dog around fields. I do some writing, some recovery- related stuff. I do Brazilian jiu-jitsu quite a lot. I go to the gym."

To repeat, Brand does Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Quite a lot. 

Probably at the same time as Gallacher puts on another load of soiled children's clothes.

Allow that imagery to sink in.

Brand, a man who prides himself on his own self-awareness, seems to be lacking some serious self-awareness. 

He's an addict who managed a full recovery. Regardless of whether you like him or not, the fact is he spends most of his time talking about equality. He's a self-professed feminist who doesn't realise that IT ALL BEGINS WITH THE CHANGING OF THE NAPPIES.

As one commentator put it, "Laura [Gallacher] is better at it because she has no choice. Someone has to step up and take responsibility for keeping your child alive and nurturing them into a well rounded, clean and fed human being."

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We cannot know, of course, the intricate and complex dynamics in Brand's relationship.

But we do know that the excuse "You do it because you're better at it!" is as old as time.

It's a way of manipulating someone into doing a job that, ultimately, you don't respect all that much.

I know that, because I use the exact same line when I want someone to make me a cup of coffee. Or dinner. Or my taxes.

If Brand can write a book, he can change a nappy.

Who knows. Perhaps it will even be a 'romantic', 'reflective' experience, that ultimately, makes him a more sensitive person.

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