A few months ago, after nearly two years of alcohol-free life.
I wrote about it then, about the shame and disappointment that I felt, and how I felt sure that I wouldn’t do it again.
But here’s the thing about crossing a boundary: once crossed, it becomes a lot easier to do it again.
And I did.
Watch: What happens to your body after a year without alcohol? Post continues below.
For the past few weeks I have found myself driving to the store and buying wine. I was so ashamed of myself, because my sobriety is the achievement I am most proud of. It was - and is, at times - the hardest, yet most rewarding experience.
It has allowed me to grow more as a person, into someone I never thought possible.
I was so afraid someone would see me at the bottle shop. I'd already concocted a range of excuses for if anyone did.
Each night I would drink that wine, and each morning I would wake with a heavy feeling of shame and disappointment.
I am so grateful for the life I have now and couldn’t quite grasp why I was choosing to do something that made me feel so sad and disappointed in myself.
To be honest, I still don’t really understand.
For anyone who has experienced a relapse or has chosen to do something that they know does not serve their best interests, they may understand that it’s a profoundly confusing experience.
I have depression and anxiety. For years, I numbed myself with alcohol.