All the awkwardly obvious similarities between Fifty Shades of Grey and Twilight.

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It brings me no shame (okay, maybe a little shame) to inform you that I have read, watched, and enjoyed both the Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey sagas.

Unsurprisingly, there’s something about poorly written, uncomfortably erotic romantic dramas that appeals to a very wide, predominantly female demographic, as is evidenced by the immense success of both these frankly ridiculous franchises.

Of course, Fifty Shades of Grey was originally written by E.L James as a piece of Twilight fan fiction, so it only makes sense the two stories share many character similarities. But some of these are just… wow. Try harder, pls.

Edward Cullen and Christian Grey.

Behind closed doors, Edward Cullen is a vampire who exerts intense violence over mostly animals and at times his dearest Bella Swan (ahem, their honeymoon… situation). But deep down, we find he cares deeply for Bella in a disturbingly possessive way.

For Christian Grey, his dominance is asserted not so much by biting and sucking the blood out of living things, but perhaps… worse? It’s hard to decide, but if I had to choose between a man with a key to a creepy Red Room and a man who sparkles in the sunlight, I know who I’d pick.

Bella Swan and Anastasia Steele.

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Both ladies are initially painted as the damsel in distress, slightly weak, and in need of a vampire/billionaire to keep them from getting hit by cars/incoming bikes.

But throughout the course of both sagas, the two women prove to be self-determined, strong women who have the (silver pleasure) balls to stand up to their respective sadist companions.

Both brunettes also DON’T STOP BITING THEIR LIP AND IT IS JUST A TAD INFURIATING IF YOU CANNOT GAUGE FROM MY LIBERAL USE OF CAPS LOCK.

Jacob Black and José Rodriguez.

The best friend who wants a little something more, but ultimately loses out to the rich, obsessive one with intimacy issues.

Both tried to kiss Bella/Ana at some stage, and both were friend-zoned as a consequence.

The family members.

Christian Grey was adopted by a successful mother and father, Carrick and Grace, who also adopted Grey’s siblings, Mia and Elliott.

Edward Cullen was also not biologically related to his parents, who bit into a bunch of dying teens and turned them into vampires in order to save their lives. Or, for the sake of comparison…

Edward Cullen was adopted by a successful mother and father, Carlisle and Esme, who also “adopted” Cullen’s siblings, Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper.

Make sure to catch Fifty Shades Freed while it’s still in theatres, or if you squint enough, you could alternatively save some dosh and whip out Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part One/Two for the same effect.

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