20 mums share the 'rules' they set (or wish they had) when they welcomed a new baby.

Having a baby is intense.

This is a severe understatement. It is more than intense; it is a mashing together of hundreds of emotions alongside huge physiological and psychological experiences all at the same time.

You’ve birthed a human being (whichever way you do this it’s tough), you’re more exhausted than you’ve ever been, a cocktail of hormones is coursing through your veins, you’re dealing with heavy postpartum bleeding, leaking breastmilk, and alternating back pain and wound pain. 

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Simultaneously, you are also experiencing the most immense love and connection imaginable with a human being that you brought into the world. There is the deepest sense of responsibility and fragility you’ve ever known, and while all of this is going on – every one of your family and friends is begging to come and see the baby! 

Maybe it’s not like this for every new mama, but this closely resembles my experience when I had my first child. 

I was completely overwhelmed by love for my new little boy, and completely overwhelmed with baby blues and hormones and the new routine and hunger and exhaustion and my feelings of complete insufficiency as a new mother. 

It was a lot.

So much so that after a few days of family and friends dropping in, and many texts and phone calls from beautiful friends and family checking on us and asking to visit and meet our beautiful boy, I snapped. 

I knew that everyone meant well, and it was all done from love, but in a desperate attempt to claw back some control in an uncontrollable time I very poorly and inarticulately did some 'boundary setting'. It was not my finest moment, and I hurt the feelings of many people I love with my strident rules around who could visit and when, and who was not welcome - but at the time it was all I could do to survive.  

And as with all great mess ups, I learned a lot, meaning that when our second son was born a few years later, my husband and I had discussed how this would go. We clearly and honestly communicated that short morning visits were optimal, we asked for things we needed when someone came to visit (coffee, food, time playing with our eldest), and other than grandparents, we didn’t pass him around for cuddles. Being upfront about this made it all so much easier!

So, I put it out to the Mamamia community to find out what their new baby 'rules' were for visitors and the responses came in thick and fast. Many also shared the rules they wish they’d set so others can learn from their interesting experiences. 

1. "I’ve got a three-month-old, so we’ve just been through this. We said all visitors must be COVID, flu and whooping cough vaxxed; they had to wash their hands before holding the baby, no kissing the baby, and text before you visit. And also, don’t wake her if she’s sleeping, Mum needs all the breaks she can get!"

2. "My rules were when you visit do not expect me to wait on you, and if my baby is sleeping, they are staying asleep -my babies rarely slept through, so we did not wake a sleeping baby in our house."

3. "I took the approach that it takes a village to raise a child. As hard as it was sometimes, because I wanted my baby with me every second, I needed to let my tribe be a part of the newborn stage. Many cultures support the mother's recovery by taking turns with the baby, and it really was a beautiful thing to share that time with close family and friends."

4. "I was alone with my baby, so I was pretty strict about no visitors after 5pm except for his dad. That was our quiet time. I was also strict about my son’s sleep routine. A good, consistent sleep routine worked for me and for him, and he’s still a good sleeper 12 years later." 

5. "Our only rule was that everyone had to be vaccinated, and obviously stay away if you’re sick."

6. "My family is Chinese, so my parents came to stay with us when our baby was born and my Mum looked after me, cooking for me and helping me heal from the birth. They also did most of the care for our daughter, I would just breastfeed, cuddle for a bit, and then sleep. We had a few other visitors, but no one held her, or stayed long, often people would drop a gift, have a look and go. But really in our family and culture, it was all about family supporting us as new parents for that first month."

7. "There were no rules. My babies had family around them from day one. I would have found it too stressful to enforce rules."

8. "Next time I am not allowing visitors - except my Mum and sister to drop food and let me rest - for at least the first week. Last time we had a terrible experience with my husband’s family where they would all just come over for the day to 'hang out with us and the baby'. After two weeks of this, I had to push back. They didn’t even really help. They just sat around, chatted, and had lunch. It was awful. I couldn’t get into a routine, I couldn’t sleep."

9. "My big one was no visiting unless invited (pretty easy for us as we live over an hour away from family). I also asked family to have their whooping cough vaccine, or wait to visit until baby had been vaccinated."

10. "Don’t bother coming if you don’t bring food."

11. "I had quite a few - message when you’re on your way; don’t be late unless you’re getting the parents' coffee; bring snacks, extra points for a pasta dish; don’t tell a new mum to give up breastfeeding, help them find the support services available; don’t wake the baby so you can take selfies; take photos of the new parents and their baby, not just photos of you and the baby; offer to walk the dog if they have one; don’t ask how the baby is sleeping, just say how cute the baby is; and if mum yawns, it’s probably time to make a move."

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12. "My niece will have her first baby in an Aboriginal community in April, and in this community the babies are shared around, even fed by other mothers - the whole community cares for the child, and new mothers don’t feel isolated or alone."

13. "We didn’t let anyone come over the first few weeks, we wanted our little bubble of love and cuddles. Then the rules were bring coffee with you if you visit, but if you're feeling unwell, stay away." 

14. "They needed to be up to date with vaccines; no waking the baby; no kissing baby’s face; wash hands/sanitise when you first arrive; no visiting if sick; no unannounced drop-ins. I also implemented shorter visits really early because I had an emergency caesarean and struggled with recovery for the first two weeks."

15. "By the time I got to my fifth baby, I said no visitors in hospital and for weeks afterwards. It was the BEST; I needed the rest and didn’t need the extra stress of entertaining people. With our first, my husband ended up putting a sign on the door saying, 'Baby and mum sleeping, leave food at the door'. 

16. "Visitors had to be whooping cough vaccinated, don’t visit if unwell, and keep the visit short because twin breastfeeding is a bit of an expose!"

17. "Our one main rule was that anyone who wanted to meet our babies before eight weeks had to have an updated whooping cough vaccine, or you could just meet her later. Everyone was great with this. Two rules I wish we’d implemented were - short visits only, and no perfume/cologne. Majority of visitors were fine on both counts, but one set of visitors stayed for five hours, and I was so tired I didn’t know how to get them to leave! And we had a few visitors that wore perfume and ruined the newborn baby smell with their scented fragrances." 

18. "My son had severe reflux, so we made a rule that visitors can only come between 10am and 4pm. My mother-in-law wasn’t happy with this because she liked to sleep in and felt limited by this rule, but our baby would scream bloody murder from 4pm until 12am so it was better for everyone!"

19. "I had a COVID baby, born in lockdown - so basically the rules were set for us. I had asked everyone to have their whooping cough vaccine, which they did, but in the end it wasn’t necessary because of the lockdown. Having no visitors for the first four months was tough. I’m about to have baby number two and it’s going to be interesting to compare the experiences."

20. "No rules - I loved those visits with my loved ones, who built beautiful bonds with my kids from the start. Those visits gave me a lift. Though I did get annoyed that my Mum would arrive right on witching hour (I had other young kids) and she would leave wet face washers around! I miss these visits now, we just moved 90km away when my youngest was one. Your kids are only small for such a short time. But most important thing is to find an approach that works for you and your family."

Feature Image: Getty.

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