fitness

'My greatest skill is telling what position people would play in netball. Here’s how I do it.'

Albert Einstein famously said, "I have no particular talent. I am just passionately inquisitive."

I too have no particular talent.

Except for one. 

Hehehe

I'm able to guess people's netball positions. Intuitively. 

Whenever I'm with a group of women - regardless of age or background or athletic prowess - and there's a momentary lull in conversation, I... yell. Obnoxiously. 

I BET I CAN GUESS WHAT NETBALL POSITION YOU PLAYED.

Clare, pls.

At first, people are startled. 'Who is this lady and why is she suddenly at our table?' they ask. But then they're intrigued.

And I get it right. 

Because I am a psychic, who holds only one very specific and profoundly unhelpful piece of information.

Of course, sometimes (rarely) I'm wrong. 

But that's where we need to make a distinction.

For some people, there’s the position they are in their soul, and there’s the position they played. Chelsea may have squirreled her way into playing GA because her mum was the coach, but she's a WD at heart. Do you see what I mean?

The fact is, on the inside of your chest, the bit with blood and muscles and tissue and s**t, there is a netball bib. And I’m not saying only I can see it, but it may very well be the case that only I can see it.

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Given my exceptional skill, it's only fair that I share it with you. So please behold: what each netball position means, and what Australian celebrities personify it. 

Centre

Cs are short and have a complex about it. 

They're energetic, in every sense of the word, and they bind the team together. They have a hidden fiery side so, yeah, they're going to yell ‘put pressure on them!’ when the team is down. 

If you're (like me) really, really bad at netball, you're probably going to get yelled at by the C. And that's fair enough. You're quite literally letting the team down.

Some famous Cs include:

- Kylie Minogue

- Brooke Blurton

- Grant Denyer

'Or, alternatively, you could leave the court. Immediately.' Image: Getty.

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Wing Attack

WAs are supportive and solid. They’re the person who passes the ball to the person who scores the winning point, you know?

But are they somewhat resentful of the point scorer? A 'lil bit. But they'd never say it. Because it's an allegory for their life and that's some heavy s**t to tackle.

Some famous WAs include:

- Isla Fisher

- One of The Veronicas (Lisa, specifically)

This photo says everything about GA vs WA energy. Image: Getty.

- Amy Shark

- David Wenham

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Wing Defence

A WD can go one of two ways.

They're either just not that into netball (which in itself speaks volumes) or are a GD mixed with the slightest dose of WA. 

Some famous WDs include:

- Flex Mami

- Liam Hemsworth

Liam, Chris and Luke Hemsworth would be great assets to most netball teams. Image: Getty.

- Lisa Wilkinson

Goal Defence

It's perhaps easiest to immediately recognise a GD.

They're solid. Reliable. Smiley and unassuming. 

But then they'll bat the ball from your grasp.

Okay that was unexpected.

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That's when you realise: they're really very good at netball. 

They're very good at many things. 

Some famous GDs include:

- Chris Hemsworth

- Laura Henshaw

- Gladys Berejiklian

Goal Attack

I’m not going to mince my words so I’ll just say it. A GA is an outlandishly cool person. They’re confident enough to say, ‘I’ll be playing GA’ which is a big call.

They're self-assured but they might also be a bit of a hog. Of the ball. Which is a netball crime (it's not). 

Their accuracy might not be 100 per cent but it's OK because they get so many shots. Which is a metaphor. For... success? I think? 

Some famous GAs include:

- Miranda Kerr

- Angie Kent

- Tommy Little

'Pass the ball to me so I can score.' Image: Instagram.

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Goal Shooter

The poise.

The posture.

A GS is calm under pressure. Their hair is neat. More specifically, they can shoot but they don't particularly want to run.

Famous GSs include:

- Delta Goodrem

'I've been practising. In my backyard. For a lifetime.' Image: Getty.

- Chrissie Swan

- Hugh Jackman

Goal Keeper

A GK is stoic. Also not keen on running quickly.

They have a good wingspan - literally and figuratively - although I'm not quite sure what that means figuratively. 

They're balanced (from three feet) and their bib is ironed. They don't yell on the netball court. But they do get yelled at which seems unfair. 

Famous GKs include:

- Nicole Kidman

...No.

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- Julia Gillard

- Eric Bana


And that, my friends, is my only talent. 

If you must know (no one asked) I was always WA. My twin sister was GA and yeah, we fought about it. 

I would argue that your netball position says more about you than your star sign or your birth year or any of the other weird s**t we associate with personality. Because it demands a set of behaviours. And a contribution to a team dynamic. And a specific level of running. And aggression

It's a position that - like the sorting hat in Harry Potter - finds us when we're children, and never, ever changes.

For more from Clare Stephens you can follow her on Instagram or TikTok

Feature Image: Getty + Mamamia + Clare's magical powers. 

Now you know the woman behind this incredible skill, watch her try on non-family-friendly fashion in this video:


Video via Mamamia. 


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