PARENTING DILEMMA: Is this mum's request for her child's birthday genius or inappropriate?


If you looked up the definition of “child’s birthday party” it would say “fun, games and tears” – and that’s just for the parents.

There’s the fun of planning a party that your beloved offspring is excited about. But then there’s the ‘games’ played by parents; all the unspoken rules and birthday politics.

Do you invite the whole class? Do you insist on inviting a child your kid doesn’t want there, because you went to their party? Should you serve alcohol if you’re having it at home? (FYI, the answer is always yes to the last question.)

Then there’s the gift etiquette to consider. You know your child has so much stuff, so do you politely write “no gift please” on the invitation – knowing that will guarantee seven truckloads of unnecessary goodies? No point in that.

Increasingly common these days is the request for cash, for either charity donation or for the child to put towards something they really want.

That topic is discussed on Mamamia‘s parenting podcast, This Glorious Mess, this week, where hosts Holly Wainwright and Andrew Daddo share their perspectives.

Andrew Daddo and Holly Wainwright discuss, on our podcast for imperfect parents. Post continues after. 

Want to hear to more?  Listen to This Glorious Mess in iTunes, Android or on Mamamia.

Holly tells the story of how her child has recently been invited to a twin boys’ 5th birthday party. The invitation read: “In lieu of a present, please give $10 cash each, half of which the boys will donate to a charity, and spend the other half on something they will save up for.”


Andrew admits he was initially shocked by the directness of the request.

“After I got up off the floor, I did think it was a good idea. It’s only $10. And you don’t have to put any thought into it.”

Holly also concedes that asking for something directly takes the guess work out of gift giving, and her first reaction was; “Thank you for making it simple.”

But upon reflection, she also considers whether, “We are taking a away a lot of the magic of [kids] just getting to open a whole pile of crap.”

Andrew agrees with that, and points out that whilst he can see the appeal in the simplicity of the concept, he also recalls that getting surprised gifts as a kid “was absolutely epic.”

Whilst tearing open over-priced wrapping paper with unadulterated excitement is certainly a childhood rite of passage, I think it might be worth considering that most children do have plenty of other chances to do that at other times. At their family birthday dinner, for example, at Christmas, even at Easter, these days.

I should make a full disclosure at this point: my own son has asked for cash presents of $20 maximum to donate to a charity that is meaningful to him, for most of his recent birthdays. For example, a couple of times he’s donated his birthday money to The Clown Doctors, who’ve entertained him in hospital on a number of occasions.


And so yes, I have thought a lot about this. I’ve definitely asked if that’s what he really wants, and made him understand that after the party, there will be no packages to unwrap. He’s accepted that, deeming the cash is of better use to a charity that can help others, because he has all that he needs. #blesshim


Andrew continues in the podcast that he suspects the request is also the parents drawing a line, “I’m not cleaning up all this crap and having more stuff in the house.”

Which, of course, is something all parents can relate to, and I’ll admit, I’ve been grateful for after my son’s birthday parties are done.

Holly also points out that some people just don’t like being told what to do. But I recall with one particular mother, it’s not just that – they don’t want to be told what to do with their money. I got a very terse text message in response to an invitation one year, that read something like, “You’re not the boss of me and can’t tell me what to do.”

It was that mature.

I think the thing is we just don’t like to talk about money. So when it’s directly mentioned, it’s almost considered rude.

But ultimately, we need to bring it back to basics, and think of the children – and remember that, as with most things, they know what they’re doing a lot more than we give them credit for.

Want to hear to more?  Listen to This Glorious Mess in iTunes, Android or on Mamamia.

Do you think asking for money for your kids is rude or brilliant? Tell us what you think in the comment section below.