So many of my friends are having babies. These friends are obviously younger than me because my first baby is about to have a baby of his own.
Like every parent, I have seen endless things and learned countless lessons about babies and some of them are even worth sharing.
Because I think we can agree that the one thing all pregnant women and new mothers want is more unsolicited advice from a stranger on the Internet. Please tell me what to do. Tell me harder.
Since you asked, here are the four best things I learned about new babies from having three of them.
1. You will doubt the living hell out of yourself.
This is normal.
It doesn’t mean, however, that you don’t know what you’re doing. Well, you don’t, obviously, because you haven’t done it before but remember this: your baby hasn’t either.
You may be comparing yourself to Insta-mums and articles on parenting sites and imagined perfect mothers who know everything but they don’t exist and also your baby can’t read them because his thumbs are too tiny to scroll and he doesn’t have his own phone yet.
2. You will never ‘crack the code’ of your baby.
I used to believe that if I just did this and this and also this, in the right order at the right time, my baby would sleep more or cry less or be somehow… solved. Fixed. Unproblematic. And I would spend every waking hour trying to work out my baby’s Da Vinci code.
Occasionally, I would totally crack it and the relief was epic. Briefly.
For a short time — maybe a day, maybe a week — I would feel like I had nailed it. Except then my baby would tell the code to get f**ked. That’s when I realised that babies — and then children — are like glitchy hardware. Just when you think you understand them, they begin to malfunction, and require a software upgrade except, unlike, say, Apple, your baby does not provide you with one. You have to guess what the upgrade is which is enormous fun and not at all grounds for despair.