reality tv

'I just applied for MasterChef 2023, and I have a big proposition for the producers.'

Dear MasterChef production team: Hi, how are ya?

I'm Emma, and I'm a fan of your work. A really big fan. 

Your series is one of the few things that makes me cry happy tears AND order ridiculously expensive cuisine I've never tried before all in the space of a few minutes.

Watch the trailer for this season of MasterChef. Post continues below. 


Video via Channel Ten.

This week, I saw that you were taking applications for the 2023 season of MasterChef Australia, and this got me excited. 

I know what you're thinking: Can you even cook, Emma? Why on earth would you beat out all the extremely talented chefs from around Australia to the MasterChef kitchen when your signature dish is jar-made spaghetti bolognese?

Great question, producers. Great question. 

No, I can't cook. Not without pre-portioned ingredients and a very detailed recipe made for beginner chefs.

But let me circle back to point one. I love food. I love your show. And today, I come to you with a proposition.

You see, producers, I'm an everyday girl. I have just four basic dinner recipes up my sleeve. And to be honest, the flavours in them are lacking.

So, here's the pitch. 

On next year's season of MasterChef, I could be your girl-next-door. Maybe you need a fourth judge, or maybe, if I'm overstepping on that assumption, I could be your "sh*t chef".

A palette cleanser, if you will.

Put my dish up against the big players and appreciate their skills all the more. I'm happy to make that sacrifice.

Now, I'll leave that with you to consider, but if you're not convinced yet, I've attached my full application below. 

Why are you applying for MasterChef?

Where to begin. 

I'd love to meet the judges, first of all.

I also imagine that you'd get to eat a decent amount of leftover food while starring on the show. Sign. Me. Up.

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Tell us about your current job:

I'm a writer at Mamamia, which consists of a lot of important work such as applying for reality TV shows and reporting on celebrities who regret getting plastic surgery.

What other hobbies do you have aside from cooking?

  • Walking (underrated).
  • Finding the best wood-fired pizza and/or chicken schnitzel Sydney has to offer.
  • Knitting (keeps me off my phone).

How would someone who really knows you describe your BEST and WORST qualities?

Best: I work well under pressure. 

Worst: I'm an Aquarius, so sometimes when people are speaking to me, I blank out and don't respond because I'm too busy thinking about something else.

What is your food dream? 

Okay, I know by 'dream' you mean 'aspiration', but my biggest food dream would be to be surrounded by fresh seafood at a five-star restaurant knowing I don't have to pay for any of it. 

Describe your relationship with food.

My relationship with food is best described as a passionate consumer with minimal skill. 

I love food. I love watching people make food; I love watching people eat food. I love reading about food and scrolling through photos of big bowls of pasta in the Italian countryside.

Food is joy. I love sharing food and trying new food.

Don't ask me if I can make it though. The answer is a resounding no.

How long have you been cooking for?

Do two-minute noodles count? If so, for as long as I can remember.

If not — probably since I moved out of home last year. And 'cooking' is still a pretty generous term.

Who taught you how to cook?

HelloFresh.

Please tell us about the moment when you realised cooking was what you wanted to do, and you fell in love with food.

I don't know about "realising cooking was what I wanted to do", but I remember falling in love with food when Mum let me try Singapore Chilli Crab when we were out at dinner for her birthday and I cried because it was so delicious.

What is the hardest cooking situation you have ever been in? 

Making macarons. If you've made macarons before, you'd understand. 

What is your favourite restaurant and why?

Indian Home Diner in Sydney's Paddington. It hits different on a drunken night out on Oxford St.

Name your Top 5 food idols and why?

El Katelaris (Mamamia's social media producer. Have you seen our Instagram lately? Amazing.)

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And I guess Jock, Melissa, and Andy? I don't know many other chefs.

How would you describe your style of cooking?

Unhinged.

What is your signature dish?

Spaghetti bolognese.

Bon Appétit??? Image: Supplied.

How often do you cook?

Probably once a week. Sounds bad when I write it down like that. 

What are your cooking strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths: Can read a recipe well. I enjoy tasting the food.

Weaknesses: I lack any skill and am bad at math. 

Can you make sauces from scratch? 

No!

Do you require a recipe to make basic pastry such as short crust, choux, rough puff, etc?

Yes!

What is your greatest skill in the kitchen?

I do a fantastic rendition of 'Dancing Queen' to keep the chef (my boyfriend) entertained. 

Is there anything you fear in the kitchen?

Knives. Literally.

What’s your personality in the kitchen?

Energised, excited and joyful. The kitchen is where the food is, and the food is where my heart is. Do I know where the cutting boards are kept? Not a chance! But I've got passion, and don't we all need some more of that?

For more from Emma, you can follow her on Instagram, @emma.gillman.

Feature Image: Supplied / Mamamia.

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