reality tv

A definitive ranking of the very best Married at First Sight contestants of all time.

IT’S 20 SLEEPS UNTIL MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT IS BACK AND DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER OR NO?

The whispers have already begun.

There are stories circulating about new contestants who we know we will come to love and accept, like our good friend Cyrell Paule.

But before we move on to new couples, we ought to take a moment to reflect on the contestants that Married at First Sight, rated 4.4/10 on IMDb (honestly, higher than expected), has gifted us over the years.

Here is a definitive ranking – based exclusively on my personal feelings – of the very best Married at First Sight contestants of all time.

AHEM.

13. Clare

Clare Verrall MAFS
Clare and Jono on Married at First Sight. Image via Channel Nine.

When Clare Verrall's groom saw her walking down the aisle on season two of Married at First Sight, he told the camera, "Wow. Not what I ordered."

Sir. You are not in a restaurant. You are in a very sacred church inside the television. 

He then kept referring to her as "woman" which was... weird, and then lost his sh*t at a canoe, an Ikea lounge, and inside a restaurant all within the space of a week.

But. And mark my words. Clare's dogs always knew. 

They growled at him and one of them even did a vomit because no Mum, don't like it. 

Unsurprisingly, one of the single worst matches in MAFS history didn't last, and Clare then decided that happiness looks a lot exactly like her French Bulldog, Dutchy.

ADVERTISEMENT

12. Keller

Keller. Image via Channel Nine.
Keller. Image via Channel Nine.

NEVER FORGET.

At first, everyone loved Keller. He was funny. Rugged. Covered in tattoos.

But then we realised you kind of had to be in the mood for Keller.

And then he tried to hit a guy.

Keller was paired with Nicole, and they found themselves at a very important dinner party, where Keller decided to slut-shame a woman named Bella.

Bella's (fake) husband got upset, and said something along the lines of, "I bet you've never been to a nice dinner party before" (he 100 per cent had not) and then Keller suggested they "have a conversation" which was code for "I think I might tackle you in the nice garden".

Producers had to get involved, and Keller later apologised to his wife by revealing:  "Sorry, I've got a medical condition, I've become a f*ckwit."

So true. 

11. Foxy Jo Jo

Jo. Image via Channel Nine.
Jo. Image via Channel Nine.
ADVERTISEMENT

You think you don't remember Foxy Jo Jo. But you do. 

Paired with Sean D who was silent for the whole of Season Five, we think Jo was just really keen on a free honeymoon to Bali which she thoroughly enjoyed.

We were introduced to Jo yelling "DIAMINTIEZ! I WANT DIAMINTIEZ!" before she put on her very favourite new bridal shoes which were a) made out of foam and b) had 'BRIDE' written on the side.

Jo's bridal shoes. Image via Channel Nine.
Jo's bridal shoes. Image via Channel Nine.

At the reception, she referred to vegetables as 'green sh*t'  and then referred to the day as the best of her entire life, despite the fact Sean had been glaring at her with disdain for 12 hours.

Sean barely spoke to her the entire season but nothing dulled Jo's sparkle. Not even when Sean walked into a room and greeted everyone with "ALOHA" for no reason.

10. Nasser

Nasser. Image via Channel Nine.
Nasser. Image via Channel Nine.
ADVERTISEMENT

Like most of Australia, we loved Nasser for half of season five. Until he got possessed by a demon, which was a storyline no one was expecting.

You see, he moved in with fake wife Gabrielle, but after one night decided the house was haunted and left.

This was problematic for two reasons. First, he was a 50-year-old man why on earth did he believe in ghosts, and second, if he was convinced the place was haunted, WHY LEAVE YOUR FAKE WIFE THERE ALONE?

It would appear over the course of that one night, Nasser was indeed possessed by a demon, which is why all of a sudden he started being unnecessarily... mean to Gab.

He began frantically vacuuming all the time over Gab's things and saying things like "I live in Nasser's world" and "I attract a lot of women".

That time Nasser turned into a demon. Image via Channel Nine.
That time Nasser turned into a demon. Image via Channel Nine.
ADVERTISEMENT

Since the show, Nasser spent a good year and a half trying to get verified on Instagram and then applied for Married at First Sight New Zealand. It would appear John Aiken's exorcism was unsuccessful and Nasser is still possessed.

9. Cyrell

cyrell mafs australia 2019
Cyrell. Image via Channel Nine.

Cyrell threw a fruit bowl at a fully grown woman for reasons that we can't quite remember and then one of the experts diagnosed her with 'Cyclone Cyrell'.

She acknowledged that maybe she had some anger management issues, and just when everyone thought she'd calmed down she yelled in the middle of a commitment ceremony: "THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU SAM YOU'RE NOT KING DING-A-LING," and the experts made her... leave. Immediately.

8. Sam

Sam. Image via Channel Nine.
Sam. Image via Channel Nine.
ADVERTISEMENT

Yes, well.

Sam never went on his honeymoon with Elizabeth because he had an urgent 'funeral' which might have also been in 'Ibiza' on a 'party boat' with 'the boiz'.

"Yeah it's really sad." Image via Channel Nine.
"Yeah it's really sad." Image via Channel Nine.

He couldn't call Elizabeth because the club didn't have any reception, and when he finally got back, he cheated on his wife with Ines.

Cool.

7. Dan

Dan. Image via Channel Nine.
Dan. Image via Channel Nine.
ADVERTISEMENT

Remember that time Dan turned on Jessika mid-interview and we all shrieked at our televisions?

Directly after the finale aired last year, Talking Married interviewed Dan and Jessika and over the course of three minutes, their entire relationship unravelled.

Watch the now-infamous video of Dan and Jessika fighting on live television. Post continues below. 

Video by Channel Nine

“She goes down with the lie, dies with the lie, and even tonight she didn’t admit it,” Dan said while Jessika squirmed next to him.

“I don’t deny I was hitting on Nic," she replied, given that just moments ago everyone had watched her flirt with Nic. 

"I think this has been blown out of proportion in high magnitudes, but yeah I definitely in some ways, I did a little bit… hit on Nic,” Jess replied with a smile and what. 

They broke up soon after.

6, 5 & 4. Dean, Davina and Tracey Jewel.

Tracey and Dean. Image via Channel Nine.
Tracey and Dean. Image via Channel Nine.
ADVERTISEMENT

Television at its best. 

Dean was matched with Tracey and tried to end the marriage one week in for reasons he never managed to articulate.

THEN he did a CHEAT with Davina before publicly rejecting her and going back to Tracey.

Davina. Image via Channel Nine.
Davina. Image via Channel Nine.

Tracey and Dean then did a weird rap battle together (Tracey, my little lady etc.) and seemed strong, until Tracey dumped Dean in the finale.

When they all returned for the last dinner party, Tracey kept talking about her new boyfriend who happened to be fellow contestant Sean, but with dyed blonde hair and a gold jacket.

It turned out that Tracey might have a little bit been sending naughty texts to Dean still and Sean didn't like it.

3. Deb

Deb. Image via Channel Nine.
Deb. Image via Channel Nine.
ADVERTISEMENT

ALL SHE WANTED WAS A POLYNESIAN BUT ALSO A POLYNESIAN-THEMED WEDDING WHICH IN RETROSPECT WAS ABSOLUTELY CULTURAL APPROPRIATION.

Deb was matched with John, who, much to her dismay, was white. No matter how much they worked on it, he never became Polynesian, and so she was just perpetually disappointed.

2. Troy

Troy. Image via Channel Nine.
Troy. Image via Channel Nine.

Looking back, Troy feels like a weird dream we had that didn't quite make sense.

But alas, Troy was paired with Ashley on season five on Married at First Sight, and at the time we wrote an entire article titled: The 10 moments from Married at First Sight's Troy we don't understand. At all.

ADVERTISEMENT

They included:

  • The time he rushed his fake wife to get ready then made her wait while he did pushups.
  • The time he started to pat his fake wife like a dog and wouldn't stop.
  • The time he brushed his teeth violently.
  • The time he pulled on a crocodile's tail (hard) while it was sitting on his wife's back.
  • The time he ate tuna on his wedding day in between his teeth brushing.
  • The time Troy was acting chill but there was a dog doing a poo in the background.

1.  Ines

Ines. Image via Channel Nine.
Ines. Image via Channel Nine.

Look.

It's difficult to explain, but we also all know it's true. 

Ines was the greatest Married at First Sight contestant of all time because she was low key... really funny, and f*cked everything up before getting bored and rolling her eyes.

She didn't like her original husband Bronson, so kept yelling at him to shut up, and then when he told her she wasn't a very nice person, she suggested he grow a ballsack.

Then while Elizabeth was sick with an unspecified illness (poisoned by producers) Ines encroached on Sam and began an affair.

BUT THEN Sam broke her heart and Ines turned into an unlikely feminist hero.

At the finale, when Elizabeth spoke about being ghosted by her husband, Ines could be heard whispering under her breath, "yeah, she's full right".

She also unleashed on Mike who defended the revolting banter that had been going on between the men and asked: "ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF?"

Ines was the hero none of us were expecting and we shan't ever forget it.

Who was your favourite MAFS contestant? Tell us in the comments below.

00:00 / ???