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A definitive ranking of the ridiculous things you can buy from Marie Kondo's online shop.

Netflix’s Tidying Up with Marie Kondo started a revolution of throwing old books out your window and yelling “NO JOY” at everything you own.

Expert Marie Kondo became known as the queen of decluttering and we all worshipped at her joyful feet.

But um… this is awkward. Not quite a year after the show debuted on Netflix, it appears Marie’s been playing a long game.

In case you missed it, this is Marie Kondo’s schtick. Post continues below video.

Video via Netflix

She’s just launched an online store, KonMari, selling very unnecessary, very exxy items and WTF, Marie Kondo wanted us to get rid of our junk so we would have space to buy her junk.

It’s perhaps the best 180° of our time and honestly, I respect her audacity.

But the products she’s selling are… weird. They spark far more confusion, surprise and lols than joy.

See for yourself, because we’ve taken 10 items from Marie Kondo’s store and ranked them by just how little joy they spark:

10. Computer Brush, AU$52.

marie kondo store
Image: Supplied.

"Designed to clear keyboards and screens of dust and crumbs, this computer brush offers two soft-bristle options – anti-static goat hair or lightweight vegetable-based fibers."

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I eat toast over my work laptop every morning, and not even I need this. JUST TURN YOUR KEYBOARD UPSIDE DOWN, IT'S FREE.

9. Cement Live Edge Bowl, AU$213.

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This is a decorative bowl that looks like it'd cut you. For more than $200. Am I missing something?

8. Brass Bottle Opener, AU$96.

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Image: Supplied.

I will continue to open my bottles with a spoon, but thank you for the opportunity.

7. Trivet, AU$106.

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Based on very scientific research (I asked my colleagues if they knew what a trivet was, and it was a 'no' all around), a trivet is a fancy-person name for a heat pad or coaster. And Marie Kondo really likes them.

This one, with a big hole that renders half of it useless, should probably have a 50 per cent discount.

6. Brass Tool Holder, AU $404.

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Imagine having 'tools' worthy of a $404 'holder'. Just imagine.

5. Tea Scoop, $76.

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Is there anything better than a cup of tea? Perhaps a cup of tea brewed with equipment that doesn't cost $76.

"This handmade scoop is an elegant addition to the process of preparing tea," the product description reads, which seems odd because no one has ever wished their tea preparing process was more elegant.

4. Balance Gem Water Bottle, AU$144.

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Image: Supplied.

So, the crystals in this bottle are said to "infuse the powers of gemstones into water while restoring it to a more pure state" which is absolutely not a thing.

The only reason this isn't in the top bottom three is because hydration is important and, if it takes $144 and dubious claims to increase your H2O intake, you do you.

3. Large Cheese Knife, AU$265.

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Does cheese taste better when it's cut by a very expensive brass knife? Idk, and I'm not willing to find out.

(There's also a small cheese knife available for a very affordable $229. Chuck that on ya Christmas wishlist).

2. Tuning Fork & Rose Quartz Crystal, AU$110.

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Image: Supplied.

"Marie uses a tuning fork in her everyday life to help her to reset – and she’s never without a crystal," reads the description of this product.

"Striking the fork against the crystal creates pure tones that help to restore a sense of balance.

"Made of aluminium alloy, this KonMari tuning fork has a frequency of 4,096 hertz, which is said to amplify the healing properties of crystals."

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You can choose from a rose quartz crystal for 'purification, connection and comfort', a smoky quartz for 'clarity, stability and connection with nature' or a clear quartz for 'perseverance, protection and new beginnings'.

Or you could skip the crystals all together, for 'peer-reviewed scientific research and saving money'.

1. Leather Room Shoes, AU$303.07.

marie kondo store
Image: Supplied.

I used to think slippers always sparked joy, because they represent not having to leave the house. My favourite hobby. But seeing these slippers that cost more than my weekly rent has not only not sparked joy, but actually REMOVED joy from my life. They're joy suckers.

Marie Kondo's KonMari store also sells kitchen storage items, aromatherapy and... charcoal for your water, if that's your thing.

Just know, you're only a year's salary away from chucking your slippers on, brewing a cup of tea and placing it on your new... trivet.

Enjoy.

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