I’ve watched 47 minutes worth of Netflix’s Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and I have a lot of problems/questions/concerns.

No one who makes a living out of tidying has a right to be so smiley, for example.

It also makes no sense that Marie always wears white and yet never has any weird stains, despite claiming to have two small children.

But within the first three minutes of watching Tidying Up, a far more serious issue emerges.

If you're yet to watch the eight-part Netflix series about the woman who wrote The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, here's the general concept: Marie goes into the homes of middle-class Americans and helps them organise their... sh*t.

People are gross and messy, and we all need Marie's help to sort out our homes and fold our clothes properly and throw our books/possessions/random cords away.

Except... wait.

In the very first episode, Marie arrives at the home of Rachel and Kevin Friend, and their two small children. Their daughter immediately asks if she can 'go to Marie,' and look, we all want to go to Marie. She's all neat and smiley and not stressed about tidying.

But a quick scan of the Friend household reveals an elephant in the room.

What... the f*ck... is this. 

It's super... tidy?

This is NOT the hoarder's palace we were expecting.

It's organised and clean and... I don't understand.

This isn't a messy home.

Especially considering the two small children who live in it. The surfaces don't even look sticky. There's no dog bed for a dog that doesn't appear to exist, or dirty (clean?) clothes on the lounge. There's no basket of odd socks or food wrappers next to the bed.

THESE PEOPLE ARE IN THE TOP ONE PER CENT WHEN IT COMES TO TIDINESS AND I DID NOT COME HERE FOR THIS.

I came here for cupboards full of miscellaneous items and rooms full of mismatched Tupperware. I came here for children in the TV unit and sentimental items in the bathroom cabinet.

From the vicinity of my laptop from which I'm watching Tidying Up, I can see the following:

EUGH.

THIS SHOW IS BASED ON THE PREMISE THAT THESE PEOPLE NEED HELP TIDYING BUT THEY SEEM TO BE DOING FINE.

The Friend family do not need Marie Kondo. I need Marie Kondo.

From the way she looks at the extremely tidy house she's presented with, however, I do not want her coming anywhere near my apartment.

When she sees a wardrobe with clothing in it, Marie asks, "does this clutter stress you out?" and comments, "it must be hard to find stuff in here".

Marie, pls. This is not mess. The Friend family definitely spent three months cleaning before your arrival and all their actual mess is living in a storage space, along with another child they didn't want you to meet.

But just as I'm about to give up on this show, because it's suggesting I should fold my clothes so they stand... up (I live in a home... not a clothing shop) Marie does something unforgivable.

"While you are tidying it may seem like things are more cluttered than before," she tells the camera. "But if you follow the process, there will always be an end to tidying".

Marie. Kondo.

That is a lie.

And we both know it.

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