"It's time to stop the spread of men."

Manspreading. It’s everywhere. On the bus. On planes. Probably even in your own home. And it’s got to stop.

Even if you haven’t heard the word ‘manspreading’, there is a good chance you’ve seen it in real life.

Men love a good spread. We don’t mean piles of jatz and dip with cheese and kabana. We don’t mean crunchy peanut butter or Nutella.

We mean THIS KIND OF SPREAD:

On the train. On the bus.  On the couch at home. Where there is a man on a chair, there is spread.

Lower limbs.  Upper limbs, no regard for passersby or the seating needs of others.  Spread out like the world is their day spa.

So we have to ask: What is it all about, dudes?

Do your balls need more air?

Is your peen so assertive that it demands its own seat?

Are your bums too small to cushion your mighty testicles?

Whether it’s a mating display or a design flaw, we have two words for you: Stop. It.

This display of male entitlement has kept bloggers busy, creating tumblrs like men taking up too much space on the train and saving room for cats, which feature gobsmacking amounts of crotch shots of open legged men.

Manspreading has become such a problem it made the front page of the New York Times, where it was announced that the New York subway is rolling out a courtesy campaign target man-spreaders.

And some of the most insightful exploration of the phenomenon comes from writer Gaby Moss who decided she would slouch out too and see what all the fuss was about.

So, here’s the thing.

The manspread is not hot. It is not alluring. You’re not a caveman and we are not cavewomen being impressed by your size.  Your balls are not that big to necessitate a chair to prop them up.

Spreading out is just rude and boring  and we are sick of it. Have some goddamn manners.

Are people ruder than they used to be? 

If you really are interested in attracting a mate, consider rejecting the spread. That way, someone might be able to actually sit next to you. That person might end up being interesting. You might end up going further than just the Green line to Your Suburbsville ie: out on a date.

Good things come to those who date.

So brothers, when you get on public transport, whether it is a bus or a plane, please keep your knees together. Back in the day, true gentleman stood up so the ladies could sit. We’re not asking for that much.  Just this one thing.

Keep your kneecaps pointed forward, your feet firmly on the floor and your hands on your side.

These days, there is nothing hotter.