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The Twins recap Married at First Sight: The worst match in all of history.

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We open on Aleks reflecting that she thinks Evarn is “cringe” which confirms to us that they really are getting to know each other a little better.

But we don’t have time for them anymore.

Now we’ve met Mishel and yes she sleeps with a CPAP machine.

“I look a little bit like Darth Vader,” she laughs and can you imagine a reality television show deciding that your CPAP machine is the single most interesting thing about you, how insulting.

mafs mishel
"I also hike. And play netball."

But there's a problem.

The experts are running out of people ever since they got no applications this year because everyone generally agrees that Married at First Sight is a terrible idea.

So John Aiken panics. And pairs Mishel with his British father Steve (Aiken), who we believe is still married to John's mother, Helen.

We get the impression that the experts are now rushing, not least because they're having to draw on reluctant family members to take part in their television show.

Mishel and Steve (Aiken)

steve-mishel
"R u related to Sir John Aiken?"
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Pros

  • Steve also has adult children, such as John Aiken

Cons

  • Steve is still married to John Aiken's mother, Helen
  • Getting fake married is never the solution to your problems
  • No

Now it's time for Mishel to tell her Macedonian mother that she's getting fake married for no reason and you better believe some of that gets lost in translation.

mishel
"To clarify, the wedding is 100 per cent fake."

"U MY DAUGHTER U VERY NICE LOOKING," she yells and holy shit everyone needs a hype girl like Mishel's mum.

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But the experts need to make their final match, which is in no way shape or form their actual final match because we know Elizabeth from last season is returning for another fake wedding, mostly because we saw it on all the ads.

Nonetheless, we pretend to believe this is a significant moment in the trajectory of the experiment.

Watch: The Experts - Uncut. Post continues after video.

We meet Stacey, a recent graduate lawyer who has two sons - not named Cock and Block. The experts decide to pair her with Michael, because there's no one else left and Trish is late for Pilates.

Michael has lots of money (we know because he... tells us) and a home cinema with eight seats just for himself and yes that's very sad.

Stacey and Michael

stacey-michael
HELL NO.
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Pros

  • Can watch Married at First Sight in Michael's home cinema

Cons

  • No one, including Michael, seems to be across what he does professionally
  • A desktop computer and a mouse and a keyboard don't explain the home cinema
  • There was precisely no justification given for this match because the experts are tired

SHHH it's Mishel's wedding day and she's really very nervous and we have precisely no patience for any of this.

"Maybe I should have another shower, but I've already had three showers," she says and excuse you lady, we're in a drought.

Listen to our very unfiltered Married at First Sight podcast. Post continues after audio.

But eventually, she puts on her wedding dress, and her mother becomes entirely overwhelmed with emotion.

"You look gorgeous, my baby. I'm very, very happy," she says through tears, and someone needs to explain to her that a) this is a fake wedding, and b) this experience will likely be traumatic for her daughter for the next 10-12 weeks.

Once they arrive at the ceremony, Mishel's mother finds a strange man standing in the crowd and yells "ARE YOU THE GROOM" and no darling he's a... passerby.

mafs
"Nah nah nah not for me Ma'am."

It becomes clear that no one has ever loved Married at First Sight as much as Mishel's mother who is having the time of her life.

But Mishel is unsure. "Maybe I made a mistake," she says and oh sweetie you definitely made a mistake.

Eventually, she decides to put her faith in the experts (y tho) and meets John Aiken's father at the altar.

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He puts her at ease, not least because he has nothing whatsoever to lose, given he's still married to John Aiken's mother, Helen.

'Not until the dinner party.'
'Not until the dinner party.'

But 45 minutes into their wedding day, Steve tells Mishel's kids about the time he cheated on a partner 19 years ago, which seems like a weird thing to bring up but we'll allow it.

When Mishel finds out she cries, "I just didn't expect that from him," and WHY NOT YOU MET HIM LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO. YOU LITERALLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS MAN. INCLUDING THAT HE HAS A GROWN UP SON, JOHN (AIKEN).

Mishel deals with her discomfort (she's been cheated on by every partner she's ever had) by demanding that Steve get her a shot of tequila and no offence but there's no way spirits are included in the bar tab. And Steve doesn't know you well enough to just... buy you one.

He returns shortly after to explain, "they said they don't do... shots" and we're mortified.

"I literally don't even know you."
"I literally don't even know you."
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Eventually Steve hands Mishel a house white wine and apologises to a stranger for a mistake he made before the Internet was invented and honestly, this is the least of anyone's worries.

We'd just like to pause and properly acknowledge that the experts decided to match a woman who was deeply sensitive about being cheated on with a man who can't get through a single meal without mentioning that he's cheated.

Cool.

Over at Stacey and Michael's wedding, a bridesmaid has spotted the groom and worriedly repeats, "no, no, no, no," before breaking into another language to say exactly the same thing.

Nonononono.

When they finally meet, Stacey is visibly unimpressed and yells at Michael for nervously laughing, which is an endearing way to get to know someone.

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"I have so many questions for you," Michael says as they leave the ceremony to which Stacey replies, "really?" because she doesn't understand why. 

IDK maybe coz you just got fake married??? And you're about to attend your own wedding reception???

But there is no time for questions because Michael is entertaining guests by singing Baby Shark and dancing. Aggressively. It is clear to Stacey, and all her guests, that she has been trolled. Which was always a risk.

Stacey is trying to enjoy what's left of her free wedding, when a friend ushers her over.

It's important. 

You see, she looked Michael up on the Google and accidentally stumbled upon the fact that he's... how do you say...

Rich as f*ck. 

mafs
"That's all I'm saying."
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This changes everything.

We would of course never imply that a woman is only interested in a man for his money.

But we will say that Stacey's interest in Michael significantly increased at the precise moment she discovered he had money.

"MAYBE I JUDGED HIM TOO SOON," she says while looking up whether a fake marriage entitles you to half your fake spouse's money.

Michael isn't sure what's changed with Stacey but he assumes it has something to do with a) his charm and b) his sense of humour.

"PEELING THOSE LAYERS BACK I THINK IT TAKES KNOCKING THOSE WALLS DOWN," he yells and Sir what are you even talking about.

As they arrive at their hotel, we decide that this. This right here. Is the single worst pairing in Married at First Sight history.

And we've never been more excited for anything in our entire lives.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on InstagramFacebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight: We need to talk about Ivan. Immediately.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: "I'm just not attracted to you."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 3: When your mother-in-law... hates you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: STOP. They're ruining same sex marriage, too.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: Poppy does NOT want to be here.

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