Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

To catch up on all the Married at First Sight recaps and gossip, check out the MAFS hub page. We've got you covered. 

The summer holidays have drawn to a close for another year, making way for Australia's second favourite period: three-ish months of watching, and most importantly judging, various strangers who fake marry other strangers on television for our entertainment.

Welcome, readers and John Aiken enthusiasts, to MAFS season 11.

We open with quotes from the Daily Mail paparazzo's newest victims, all about how important love is to them, how they're ready to put their past hurt behind them, how they've got a great podcast idea brewing and need a bit of publicity to launch it, etc.

The series teaser promises lots of drama which is like... yeah... we know... that's why we're here.

We meet "MAFS most mature groom", who wears thin scarves as a fashion statement and wants to deliver a kind, considerate "f*** you all" to those who judge reality TV. 

I like him.

And yes, I am very aware that declaring I like a MAFS groom in the first 30 seconds is asking for disappointment. It could very well hit us in just another 30 seconds. But just like the experts who proclaim, year in and year out, that they want to establish strong, long-lasting bonds in the world's most shallow pool, I shall persist. 

It is bucks and hens' night, which is traditionally when the first seeds of drama are planted and we're expected to learn which blonde is called Mel and which other blonde is also called Mel.

We meet sunburn-prone Nat. She begins to rattle off a books-worth of insecurities and UH OH IT NEVER WORKS OUT WELL WHEN SOMEONE IS THIS PURE.

To be fair, it never works out well no matter the circumstances, but I am worried for Nat.

Next to arrive is Tori. She wants a husband and children, but most importantly a Range Rover.

They discuss their types. Nat thinks coding is really hot, which leads Tori to describe her as "a simple girl".

A SIMPLE GIRL.

She says Nat's "not for her" which is???????? She's not your match, darl! It's fine!

Meanwhile, Tori's type is a walking red flag.

So it begins

Oops.

Almost immediately, this man named Jayden says he's not actually the walking red flag that he appears to be, and now I feel bad for judging a book by its cover. In my defence, he literally has a man bun. And he's on MAFS.

We cut to a woman named Lucinda Light. She's singing, walking down a beach in crushed velvet and is perhaps the most incredible personification of Byron Bay I have ever seen in my life.

Lucinda Light shocks John Aiken with a literal scroll of attributes she's looking for. 

So unbelievably obsessed with John's reaction

"Emotionally intelligent would be delightful," she says, and I am now convinced she is Australia's greatest living comedian. Also, "high functioning erection".

Get to damn work John, because Lucinda Light has, uh, "an apple cart" to ride (?).

A woman named Lauren is introduced with very fast, orchestral music that screams "villain". The other women speak highly of her to the camera, while their faces look like this:

"Ha ha ha love her can't you tell!"

We meet a VERY good-looking American man who has been dreaming of getting married since he was in the womb.

Production then pulls a switcheroo as he wanders into the hens do.

A man named Simon is introduced as the other fake groom looking for a fake groom, though unfortunately he drew the short straw and has to spend the night with all the other fake grooms instead of this nation's most exciting new talent, Lucinda Light. 

The experts arrive to list off terrible dating terms like 'bread crumbed' and 'love bombed' and I think they're trying to say that those days are over for the cast, which is hilarious, but it also just sounds like they're Oprah, giving everyone in the audience a car.

"YOU GET A RED FLAG AND YOU GET A RED FLAG AND YOU ALL GET RED FLAGS!"

Our first fake wedding is between Sara, a Colombian who wants a light-haired traveller, and Tim, a light-haired traveller who loves Colombia.

John says this is the best match they've ever made and the bar. Is on. The floor.

Next we meet Cassandra, whose welcome package begins with her as human sunshine and then recounts the tragedy of her first love, her high school sweetheart, dying in a motorbike accident.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY TISSUES?

She has been matched with Tristan, thankfully not last name Thompson, who has heard nothing but positive things about expert Mel, adores his mother, and struggles with self-doubt.

You're doing great sweetie!!!!

Before Sara and Tim's wedding, Tim's best man Ben talks about how his speech could go badly. It's not so much foreshadowing as it is smacking us over the head.

Sara's friends talk sh*t about Ben, which feels bad now but based on the violent foreshadowing, is fine.

Sara gets a limo to her wedding, which is taking place on a boat in the harbour or (????), and it all goes very well.

We begin Cass and Tristan's wedding day with more tears, because we learn that Cass also lost her mum to cancer in 2020. SERIOUSLY? WHERE. ARE. THE. TISSUES.

Tristan is so nervous that he thinks one of Cass' bridesmids is his fake wife, and his vows are in fact just Rihanna lyrics. But, for the second time in this recap, I'll put myself on the line: I LIKE HIM.

It is time for the receptions but more importantly THE PROMISED CAR CRASH OF A BEST MAN'S SPEECH.

First, an appetiser: Sara asks about Tim's last relationship, and he says he had plans to propose to her and that they only broke up six months ago.

He says he "needs her help", but not to get over his ex! That's not what he meant! Seriously, you guys! He didn't mean it like that! 

PANIK

Sara runs out of the reception but SARA, NO! You're in heels, baby! Save your run for after the upcoming TERRIBLE BEST MAN'S SPEECH WE'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT!

To really hammer home how bad that speech will be, the producers take us to Cass and Tristan's reception first. It is a stroke of genius. There, Cass' dad Moddy gives the greatest speech ever shown on this series. There are laughs! There are tears! There's a goddamn mic drop!

Moddy for PM!

AN ICON AND A LEGEND

Sara is talking sh*t with her girls. She's disappointed by Tim's admission.

But she's about to be even more disappointed. By a sexist man with a mullet.

Ben lists off a bunch of Tim's supposed 'experiments', ranging from ill-timed fellatio and a horrific disregard for food safety. 

His final punchline involves some light dehumanisation, a rancid meat callback, and the least sexy reference to cunnilingus in all of human history.

There really is only one way to move past this:

BYEEEEEEE

It's honeymoon time but also Cass' 30th birthday, so Tristan has organised surprise flowers and Tim Tams. It's all very cute.

Continuing the episode's wonderful use of contrast, Sara and Tim's Fiji honeymoon is the exact opposite of cute.

Tim's organised a dinner, which very quickly goes south when Tim goes to say, does not say, and then does actually say that Sara needs to relax.

"I was just joking around, I didn't say it," he says, after he did indeed say it.

Sara says women hate to be told to relax, and he says she is putting words in his mouth by saying he said what he did, in fact... say.

Hoy boy.

I reckon we all need to relax. With a cup of tea or something a little stronger. Because this is going to be one heckkkkkk of a season.

See you tomorrow night.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Channel Nine.