fashion

The Twins recap the Logies red carpet: We. Have. Lots. Of. Gossip. 

NO.

Someone let us onto the Logies red carpet without going through the proper vetting process.

They didn’t know how we behave when in the vicinity of people we’ve seen on the TV. We are certainly not measured or professional. We don’t ask who they’re wearing or what inspired their make up look. Instead, we yell, “EXCUSE ME YOU’RE FROM SUNRISE,” or “YOU WERE SUCH A DICK ON MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT,” or “WHO WINS THE VOICE” even though a winner has not been decided yet and precisely no one appreciates it.

Watch: The speech that stopped the nation. Post continues below. 

Video by Channel Nine

But this story starts before the yelling. Because the Logies red carpet isn’t like your average red carpet. The non-famous people, whose job it is to annoy the famous people, might accidentally get in the shot and therefore we can’t turn up looking like this.

It us.
It us.
ADVERTISEMENT

So as a sign of respect we had the issue of our faces addressed by professionals and they were in for a challenge.

After four days and a suitcase full of products, we looked like plebeians with really, really good hair and makeup and if you just caught us out of the corner of your eye, you might have thought, "Hey were they on Australia's Got Talent that one time?"


And yes. That is precisely the look we were going for.

As we took our places on the red carpet, we actually felt a bit... glam. A bit... spesh. That's until the person occupying the space beside us turned up and this happened:

Same. Ksenija Lukich. Image via Getty.
Same. Ksenija Lukich. Image via Getty.
ADVERTISEMENT

Oh.

OK. We'll just. OK.

But this isn't about us. It's about meeting Hamish and Andy interviewing celebrities. And we start with one guy who really should be nominated for something but is perpetually forgotten.

Sir Peter Helliar.

Yeah. He's pissed he never gets nominated for a Gold Logie when literally all his friends do. But he says "it's fun to be an outsider," and mate we're literally standing on the other side of a carefully positioned rope that prevents us from getting too close to the celebrities. So we understand.

But move over Pete, because our good friends Lisa Wilkinson and Waleed Aly are here.

We ask them if they know what the word 'Logies' means because it's such a silly word and they're all like, "Yeah, it's named after the guy who invented television," and wtf where were we when everyone learned that tidbit?

We ditch that question for... future.

We ask Lisa if she's a bit pissed off she never gets nominated for a Gold Logie, hoping to start a fight between her and Waleed, but she just says how lucky she feels to even be invited and dude, YOU FEEL LUCKY TO BE INVITED. LOOK AT US.

But. Pause.

Hamish and Andy. They're here. In the flesh. And they've passed us. How do we... signal... that we need to... meet. Because then they'll see. In our eyes. The soul connection. And they will say, "You are our new best friends, let's hang out always," and we'll say, "Oh, yes, we'll just have to check our schedules, oh look turns out we're free," and then everything will be as it should.

But before we can fantasise any longer Julia Morris emerges from the ground and she's yelling about booby tape.

A national icon.
ADVERTISEMENT

"IMA STRAPPED IN LIKE A KARDASHIAN" she announces and we love you unconditionally.

We ask if she's ever done something on television she wishes she didn't, and she remembers that time at the Logies she forgot to read out the nominees and just announced the winner and HOW DID WE FORGET ABOUT THAT.

"I only had one job," she says, shaking her head. You really did. Classic Julia Morris.

BUT SHUT THE F*CK UP HAMISH AND ANDY HAVE COME BACK AND THEY'RE WALKING TOWARDS US.

We take deep breaths. We can't go too hard, too soon. Gotta act normal. Relaxed.

"OI CAN I HAVE A DOLLAR," Jessie yells and Jesus we're on a red carpet.

You need to calm down.
ADVERTISEMENT

You see, if you don't listen to Hamish and Andy's podcast, you might not know that they have a dollar deal. If you see them in the flesh, you get to ask them for a dollar. And they have to give it to you. But there are conditions.

Both Hamish and Andy put their hands into their pockets and retrieve their wallets. Andy has a $10 note and asks if we have change.

We don't because WHO THE F*CK CARRIES CASH IN 2019 and dammit this is how they do it.

That's the rule. You gotta have change. So we move on.

We ask them about a potential show they've been talking about on their podcast recently, Celebrity Medicine Cabinet, where a host springs celebrities and then explores the contents of their medicine cabinet.

We all agree that Waleed would be a good guest.

The rest is a blur because that's what Heaven is like, in case you were wondering. There were smiles and happiness and laughter and joy. And a selfie. And we look terrible because that's always the way.

tom-gleeson-logies
This is what happiness looks like, fyi.

Next up is Amanda Keller and we ask her about her feud with Tom Gleeson, obviously. She says there isn't a feud only mutual respect which is exactly the kind of thing you'd say if you were feuding.

ADVERTISEMENT

We ask about a time on television which she wishes didn't make it to air and she tells the most genuinely interesting story about freezing and having no words come out and Andrew Denton came out and saved her.

It's at this point we decide to try a gimmick.

You see, we were thinking about how after primary school, no one gives you participation ribbons anymore which is bullsh*t because people should always be given ribbons for doing literally anything.

So we found gold ribbon somewhere in our hotel, cut it up, and wrote 'Participation' on it in black permanent marker. That way, if people lost, they wouldn't feel sad about it.

Except of course that there's nothing sadder than a 'Participation' ribbon two hobbits gave you on the red carpet in case you didn't win.

Congrats?

Amanda graciously accepts the ribbon and put it in her handbag which tells us everything we need to know about her.

Right behind Amanda is her NEMESIS and surely he'll give us the goss.

He says he'll be airing some grievances if he is awarded the Gold Logie which seems like the opposite of what you're meant to do but we'll allow it.

We ask about the Amanda Keller situation and he tells us what he's going to say to her tonight and EXCUSE US THIS IS GOSSIP.

"I'll tell her that if she wins, I'll buy you dinner, and blow smoke up your arse for the whole dinner, and if I win, I'll buy your dinner and I'll apologise."

ADVERTISEMENT

Mmmm. Dinner.

We give him a Participation ribbon which he dismisses with "I don't need that," and also, "you can keep that," but we're 65 per cent sure he's joking. We honestly don't know anymore.

Oh.

With his smiling face and genuine intentions, Osher emerges from an unknown place with this year's Bachelor, Matt, and this year's Bachelorette, Angie. He's glowing. He knows he's done a good job this time around.

Matt starts speaking and by God he's beautiful. We understand now. Osher, your casting is, as always, immaculate. We learn that Matt a) actually chooses someone and b) is in love which is information we desperately needed. Angie explains that she's very excited because she's spent so many years watching these people on TV and BAM now she's here. As Matt and Angie walk away, Osher leans in. "No, he's a really good guy," he tells us of Matt. "He wants to have conversations with people about things other than himself."

Giver of all the gossip

Goodness.

He then informs us that they're halfway through filming The Bachelorette, and Angie has yelled at all the men about bullying each other.

Osher, you are the leak we needed.

We yell at Anthony "Lehmo" Lehmann and Dylan Alcott next and Lehmo says if he were to get stuck chatting in the bathroom with anyone he'd like it to be Boy George and same. Dylan says he'd like to get stuck with Kelly Rowland and Sir, you're in the wrong toilet.

ADVERTISEMENT

We spend approximately five minutes bitching about the abomination that is Joe Jonas' nomination in Dylan's category and - look - he doesn't not agree with us.

OOH it's the guy from The Cry whose name we always forget.

Google tells us it's Ewen Leslie and while he's lovely Clare keeps side-eying him whispering, "what did you do to your baby?"

The celebrities keep rolling in. We speak to Deb Knight, Georgie Gardner, Leigh Sales, Rebecca Gibney, Jan Fran and Georgia Love who are all obscenely pleasant.

And then we spot it.

The night has descended.

The cast of Married at First Sight have arrived and excuse us we have work to do.

Oh.

It's Mike Gunner.

And he's walking towards us looking like a man who saw the memes we made about him.

...Soz.

He tries to convince us he isn't that bad and launches an "IN MY DEFENCE" argument and everyone around us is bamboozled.

This guy has read everything we've ever written about him which was not expected. 

We ask if he and Heidi are getting along given they walked in alongside each other and he says: "NO I SAW HER AND SHE TOLD ME NOT TO TOUCH HER."

ADVERTISEMENT
HAHA

As Mike is ushered away, we make eye contact with Heidi, who makes her way over and tells us she read our recaps. We like her very much.

Between our chat with Heidi, Cam and Jules, it becomes apparent that they do not... converse... any longer... with Ines and Jessika and the like, because they're all "very different people".

But just as the night is wrapping up, Sam Mac emerges with his mother, Loretta.

"HI" we shout, "THE WOMAN WHO DID OUR MAKE UP SAID SHE VOTED FOR YOU FOR THE GOLD LOGIE," we say, as though that is an assurance he'll be winning.

Loretta says she's excited to meet Delta Goodrem and Sam says maybe she should be plugging someone from his network so she starts listing off names, "OH YES and Samantha Armytage and Edwina Bartholomew but also Natalie Barr."

Very good Loretta. 

It is time for the awards themselves to start, which means the media has to be physically separated from the famous people which we both respect and understand.

We have important tasks to complete. Like calling our mum and telling her we met Hamish and Andy.

We were at the Logies on the Gold Coast thanks to the brilliant people at Queensland Events and Tourism. 

00:00 / ???