Editor’s note: This post deals with suicide. Some readers may find this article triggering.
By TRISH HEAGERTY
Words really can’t explain the range of emotions you experience when you lose someone, in any situation. But especially by suicide.
The pain is so strong. I feel broken. I shake uncontrollably. My whole body feels like it’s shutting down. The pain of disbelief, loss, sadness and emptiness is unbearable.
I do not wish anyone to go through what I have gone through.
Grief is an interesting companion.
Not being able to eat, drink or feel. I feel like an empty shell, wounded, lost and alone.
Does grief ever go away? I am not sure. It’s only been nine months since the tragic loss of my husband.
I was dreading Father’s Day, so Ruby and I packed up and went away for the weekend, thinking if I don’t hear it or see it, I will be OK.
I sat in the beautiful surrounds of the getaway and thought, who was I kidding? You can’t run away from your feelings. They came too. Driving around and exploring is not the same, everything we did as a family, is no longer.
As I push Ruby on the swings and see happy families I break inside. My daughter and I are missing the one person we both love the most.
Once the numbness of the grief and loss, settled a little, I managed to juggle my new role as a single mother and throw myself into work.
Denial, maybe. But for me it worked: I needed to keep being busy.
Weekends were and still are the hardest to deal with. It was our family time; the time Ruby had quality time with her Daddy and also with the three of us, family time.
With family interstate; I now rely on my friends and just pray that I can meet up with someone on the weekends. It’s hard though because my friends have their family and weekends are their family time too. And I respect that. And encourage that. Life is unpredictable, and uncertain so you really need to appreciate every minute we have.