Mia
by MIA FREEDMAN
Six weeks. That’s about the length of time after a tragedy when the shock subsides, the adrenaline wears off and reality sinks in.
Unfortunately, it’s also around the six week mark when – if the tragedy didn’t affect you directly – you kind of forget about it. You dropped over a lasagna. You sent flowers. You texted and maybe you even took time off work to attend the funeral. You shed tears and they were genuine.
But then your sympathy and altruism were swallowed by the demands of day to day life like quick sand. And things soon returned to normal. Well, for you they did.
Those at the centre of the tragedy are still tentatively patting themselves down after the explosion having staggered one or two steps down a road that stretches into forever. This is when they need the most support, right when most of their friends have filed the situation away under “Really Sad Things That Are In The Past”.
Partly, it’s because we want to believe they’re feeling better but we also feel helpless and uncomfortable, unsure how to help someone navigate their grief.
“After the “I’m so sorry’s” and “Here’s a lasagna” … people just don’t know what to say” says a friend who was bereaved last year. “So they say nothing. Or worse, they just move on and probably think ‘Well, she’ll just have to get used to her new reality’ … which is true to a point.”
In the days after a death, there’s a surprising amount to do. Funerals to be planned, eulogies to be written, people to notify. Administration. In the case of a shock diagnosis, there are decisions and medical appointments to be made. But as days become weeks, the activity subsides and the even harder yards begin.
“Grief is often a private affair that others cannot share or even understand”
“People tend to drift away at around the time you’re trying to work out how to function again in the world” says a friend who lost her baby daughter two years ago. “The initial deep shock has started to wear off and there you are … just floating along with no idea how to behave any more. You start to panic about boring people. About being depressing. A downer. God forbid. People desperately want to think you’re okay … maybe so you’re no longer on their ‘to do’ list to worry about. “
Grief is often a private affair that others cannot share or perhaps even understand, agrees Petrea King, author of Sometimes Hearts Have to Break and CEO of the Quest for Life Foundation. “Grief can spring out of drawers and cupboards, off shelves, from photographs, wafts to our nostrils upon a perfume, is precipitated by music, clutches at our heart, hollows out our insides and plummets us to the depths.”
We’re funny about grief. We like to think it’s finite and able to be quantified and quarantined. We like to talk about ‘closure’. We think we’re being helpful when we urge someone to ‘be strong’ or exclaim ‘you look so well!’ to a friend who’s sick or bereaved in the hope that it might just be true.
“About two months after we lost our daughter, I remember an elderly neighbour saying,‘Oh you look like you’re back to your old self,’” recalls my friend Rebecca. ” I looked at him in horror and then went inside and wept. How could I be communicating to people I was ‘okay’? I wasn’t okay! My baby died! So you’re always trying to find this balance between wanting the world to know you’re in deep mourning but not inconveniencing anyone.”
“Sometimes I worry I’m bringing it up too often,” admits another bereaved friend who is sinking after he unexpectedly lost a loved one earlier this year. “But it’s all I can think about and in some ways it’s worse now because I’m no longer buoyed by the wonderful flurry of support that held us up in the weeks after it happened.”
Bruce and Denise Morcombe
Rebecca told me of wanting to post something about her older daughter on Facebook six weeks after her baby girl was stillborn. “I was paralysed because I kept thinking “But what if people think that because I’m on Facebook, that I’m fine now?”
So what can we do to support our friends in the darkness? Talking to a number of bereaved people, they all say they feel they’ve been given a gift when someone speaks the name of the person they’ve lost. When they give them a chance to talk, cry, even laugh.
“It’s the small things that people do,” says the mother whose son died the day after he was born and who gave mourners at his funeral little bags of sunflower seeds to plant in his memory. “Like sharing photos of their sunflowers or letting us know that they keep photos of our son close by, even talking about their ‘nephew’ or ‘grandson’, saying his name….they’re all reminders that they care.”
Petrea King puts it so beautifully: “Grief is a strange beast that we learn to live with. We don’t get ‘over it’ as if it were a surmountable obstacle. We can become more comfortable with our discomfort but there is no finite time for grief as there is no finite time for love. “
How have you handled grief in your life?
Comments
79 Comments so far
My son passed away 9years ago. The pain is as raw today as it was the night that I held him in my arms as he took his last breath. I listened to all the cliches from close friends, family and strangers about how it would ease, time heals all wounds etc,etc. None of it is true. Time does not heal and the pain does not become easier. You function like a normal human being, you give the right responses when required, you raise your remaining with all the love in the world, but fundamentally you’re broken. I always likened the pain to somebody ripping you open with a knife,walking around with your guts hanging out and it’s invisible to the rest of the world. And God forbid you mention your loss because you immediately see the looks on their faces, they can’t run away fast enough or steer the conversation in another direction quickly enough. A year after it happened I was meant to be acting like my old self, except that is when I started falling apart and it was during that time that I needed support more than ever before. Life had gone on for my friends, some had ceased all contact because they had done their bit during the funeral and the weeks that followed and that is where it ended. I had a mental breakdown 2 years after my son passed away and it has taken me at least6-7years to recuperate. I don’t have the close friendships that I used to have because I’ve realised that you walk this path alone, only others who have lost children will truly understand.
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Bereavement is SUCH a difficult thing and grieving process. There is no end. Some deaths affect us more than others, but mostly, the ones of real loss, we grieve forever. We never forget, the pain doesn’t disappear, it just lessens and becomes easier to deal with.
But death isn’t the only time we grieve and the basic message from this post can be put into various circumstances. We grieve in divorce, when we break up with our boyfriends, when we lose a friendship, when something passes away, we miscarriage… It’s all a feeling of loss and we grieve that loss. In ALL these circumstances, similar things happen. Friends don’t understand, they assume you are ok and if you make it known you are not, then they ASSUME you should be. Often they get “sick of hearing about it” or “just can’t cope with your sadness anymore”… but the thing is, it’s not their place to judge how long or how hard you take any situation. It’s no ones place to tell you how often, how much information, or how many times you cry… No one understands anyone’s grief, even if they have been through the same situation. It’s important for people to ALWAYS remember, anyone dealing with a difficult situation and a loss, they need to be prepared to support their friends and family, no matter how long it takes.
I recently went through something similar, but have various times before. When my abusive boyfriend left me, when I lost a family member, and when I recently broke up with someone i love with all my heart – each time certain friends have reacted in the same way – “You need to get over it and move on.” Easy for you to say. This is a great article and hopefully people can take its message.
Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you. You have articulated what I was trying to say to a friend the other day. Her son recently died of a drug overdose, and it’s clear that my baby son is a heartwarming and heartbreaking reminder of him. She is fine some weeks, sad and broken other weeks. The other day, she said, through her tears, “Why can’t I get over it?!” I didn’t know what to say, but I now realise this is what I wanted to say. My heart wanted to cry in response, you’re not meant to, because you were/are his mother, and always will be, and you loved him. I didn’t want to sound hopeless (i.e. suggest there was no way through it), so I didn’t say anything. This article gets the balance right, and says it perfectly. I wish I’d been able to say something like this at the time.
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I found this article to be so true after loosing my darling husband of 42 years very suddenly & also two of his sisters in the last 6 months. I have no family close by so my friends meant so much to me at the time. But as time passes & they think I am managing OK I also feel worse at times now. The loneliness at home is almost unbearable.
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Great article. I lost my wife who was only 39, 9 months ago after an 84 day battle with cancer.A “life changer” for me and the boys would be an understatement. The people stop visiting, calls become less frequent and you are left to your own devices…. It’s been tough. Fortunately for us T had bigger balls than most and was into us from day one that we had to get on with living which was very hard to listen to.
One of the profound statements came from my youngest who was 11 who said “we can either live mums death or live life……. I know what mum would have wanted me to do”.
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Thank you for this wonderful article. I’m still trying to deal with the death of my wonderful husband only 17 months ago and as I read your article the tears are pouring out yet again, I only just finished having a cry and then a friend sent this through to me and I have started again. I have no other friends of a young age who have been widowed, I know they try hard for me to understand but they don’t understand of leaving somewhere to always return to a empty bed and house. He died 3days after our 29th Wedding Anniversary and I miss him so much, he had been in my life since I was 16… I don’t know who I am without him but I’m supposed to keep going each day. As I sit here now I really find it hard to want to go on, yes I have so much to be thankful but somedays I can’t find it and I’m just so sad, very sad. I see someone who looks like him and I think it is him, I see other couples hand in hand out doing the things we enjoyed but again I sit here alone. I do worry about talking about my feelings with my friends as I do worry about when is enough, enough for them. So I put the smile on and go and pretend again until I’m home alone. All I know is we do just go on pretending so we can live some sort of life. Living with a broken heart for your best friend is the hardest thing ever. I also lost my parents when they were only 60 & 63, but trust me this is harder again, so very much harder, yet I still miss them terribly. So good luck to anyone else and I hope you find peace somehow in your lives and when you do please share it with us all.
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Tracey your message has also brought tears to me again too. I know exactly how you feel as I grieve the loss of my husband of 42 years this year. I was wondering if you would like to talk & whether it is possible to exchange email address through this webpage ?
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So true, there is NO closure when you are grieving.
I lost my mum 14 months ago to breast cancer and I don’t think there will ever be closure for me. I lost not only my mum but she was my best friend and no amount of time or hugs or people going “you will be ok” will ever help. It’s effected me in so many ways. I’ve been experiencing migraines ever since, and I feel like hiding away from the world most days. I feel like I am only a fraction of the person I use to be. I’m scared to be happy because I feel an instant guilt even though I know my mum wouldn’t want me being sad, I can’t help it. I’m even scared to have a relationship. Scared to be that close with someone ever again. Putting a time frame on grief is not possible. Thank you for writing this article Mia.
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Thank you for writing this article which has coincided with my own struggle. Last year I woke to find my perfectly healthy and happy 1 yr old dead in his cot. Last week I visited my psychologist to discuss my struggle to come to terms with the ‘new me.’ I was under the impression that you have this period of grief and then you return to the way you were before. But after losing a child in tragic circumstances, I am now realising that things never return to what they were before and that now I have a new normal. This new normal has changed the way I think, feel and act. It has changed the dynamics of our family, and will forever change the lives of the siblings left behind. The horror of that day remains with me, and the pain never goes, but I am now learning to live with that and function in this new world.
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I don’t normally comment on blogs, but your post touched my heart in the right places. 16 months ago I lost my Mother to cancer and it was a horrid death as the medical profession had misdiagnosed her lung mets as lung cancer, and not a reoccurrence of breast cancer, so rather than give her the medications for breast cancer, they removed the entire lung. In a non cancer patient this is doable, but with breast cancer she ended up drowning to death when her good lung got mets. Not even palliative sedation saved her from an ugly end. I’m not close to over losing my Mother, but the way she passed is something I find haunting, and yet no one knows I still hurt so much inside. They think I am over it – they thought that around 3 mths after. I am not on many people’s “to do” list, but I no longer want to be, either. We are well educated on birth, but all I feel and read here is a desperate need for education about the grieving process.
Thank you for your post, and my heart goes out to everyone who is suffering loss in any form.
~Zeana
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Thank you for this article and how true it is. I lost my sister in 2006. She was killed in a car accident driving home from her work as a nurse and so close to home. The crash was not her fault. An 18 year old female driver managed to cross 3 lanes of traffic on the Nepean Highway and killed my sister in the other lanes travelling in the opposite direction. The tragic circumstances make it so sad. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. A minute here or there might have changed that horrible night. My sister left behind a husband and 3 young boys. Tragic for friends, my dad and her family. Grief doesn’t end but it does get easier,..to breath. The counsellor I saw told me it would take 4 years for the ache and pain to subside, and that is about right. So to get back to the article it is about 6 weeks when everyone else forgets or just has to get on with their lives. I love it when people who knew her mention her name and now our family though spread far and wide when we get together we can talk about Lyn and laugh and remember. Grief is Infite just like love.
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Excellent piece that appeared in U on Sunday magazine in the Sunday Mail. As a man, I am not supposed to cry. The moment I do, usually at an enexpected mention of my deceased son, people are looking for somewhere to hide or change the subject. Let me remember my son without feeling bad about your discomfort; accept that I may shed a tear; and never expect me to ‘get over it’.
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This is very timely for me: my father died 10 days ago. He’d been sick for a long time, and very sick for about six months, but it was still a mammoth shock. To know I’ll never hear his voice again or see his smile is extremely painful. Layered under that grief is the misery I feel after yet another IVF failure a week earlier and in between the two events, I confronted my husband about the discovery of inappropriate texts to another woman on his phone. We’re fine, and he’s been an absolute rock, but it’s been such a torrid, difficult time that I just don’t know what to do with myself.
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Hi Petal,
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. A good counselor may be a helpful thing.
Strength and thoughts to you,
love L
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a timely article, christmas is just so hard. I lost my twin brother 5 years ago to suicide and yes, I know I should be over it, but times like christmas are just so painful. I just want to go to sleep and wait for the holiday to be over.
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Please don’t feel the need to be “over it”. Grieving takes time. I lost my older brother to suicide 11 years ago this coming March, and it took 6 years to simply say his name without crying. Yes, there will be hard days – Christmas, his birthday, the anniversary of his death. Now and then little things will happen and you think of them. But it gets a little easier to handle with the passage of time – however, if sleeping is what you feel you need, do whatever helps get you through at the time. You’re in my thoughts x
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My brother-in-law died 7 years ago. For at least 2 years his mother was completely stuck on the day he died. It was awful reliving it over and over again. Now she talks about him with a huge smile on her face
Talking about how much she would love him to have known his nephews. I’m sure she still cries (often)
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What a wonderful reflection of what life can be like. In the months since we’ve lost our little boy virtually everyone has ‘moved on’, yet there are days when I relive every moment of his last days and feel my heart break again. I get caught by the unexpected things and end up feeling bad if I’m the one that brings him up… I feel like I’m the only one holding on and that everyone else thinks of it as ‘once upon a time’… Bittersweet describes almost all experiences now and I suspect always will. It’s comforting to know that our experience has been shared and thank you for tackling such a tough subject!
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Thank you Mia for writing this; it’s been 15 years since my mother passed away (I was 14) I am still grieving, life never returns to normal. The strange thing is after going through it I still struggle to find the right words or know how to help people after the loss of a loved one.
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‘Grief is the price we pay for love’ – Queen Elizabeth II
It’s so complex and can be never ending. I don’t think you can ever have closure or ever ‘get over it’. You just get better at managing it – some days you don’t.
I have a few people in my life I still grieve for and probably always will including my younger brother taken at age 12, my brother-in-law at age 29 (in a very public event – which made it quite surreal) and my adored mother-in-law who died suddenly when I was pregnant with her first grandchild. My husband has never been the same since – it has broken his heart. I have never been able to break through his grief – it has changed him permanently. I also grieve for the relationship that my girls will never have with their grandmother.
It seems one of the worst things about grief from losing a loved one is the finality of it and the fact that there is NOTHING you can do to change things, you can’t bring them back, can’t fix it.
I also grieve for those I have never known – my paternal grandparents who died before I was born – I’ve always had a feeling of sadness about that through my life.
I dread the day I lose either of my parents or my siblings, I am so blessed to have three healthy children – I know many who have lost theirs – my heart is always with those people – it must be the hardest grief of all.
Big hugs to those who are grieving, that’s all I feel I can say.
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I think most people feel that if they bring up the death with the person, that it will sink them back into a depressive state… so they don’t.
my friends 13 year old son died almost 3 years ago just before xmas and his photo is still on my fridge. I didnt know him at all, only met him once but it feels right having him there. couldnt imagine anything worse than losing a child. just awful.
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thank you for a true assessment of dealing with grief i lost 2 grandchildren in eighteen months the last one i did not hold he was still born .i still every day when i see a four year old and and six year old with curly hair or a new born have tears .in my eyes and have to walk away. grief is a life time burden till i meet them again.
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It was so lovely to read this Mia. My Mum passed away almost 15 months ago now and I still feel so lost without her. It would be so nice if people had the courage to talk to you about it or simply the concern to see how you’re doing. If only! xo
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Closure – as if we could just stuff someone’s life into a cupboard and close the door and it’s all gone. It’s not. After a year, I’m still heartbroken by my brother’s suicide. Still wish I could have known what to do. Still don’t know how to help my parents except by just being there. What helped? My incredibly close family and friends and my partner, especially, by taking care of things and being a comfort whenever I need it. What does not help? Some of the ‘psychobabble’ around that tries to put grief into time-frames and boxes. It just doesn’t work like that. We don’t fit into neat categories. I can be happy and then suddenly sad, triggered by a song, a picture, a photo of him as a smiling little kid…. And yes, as others say, birthdays and Christmas are especially difficult, that mix of happiness at the family I have and sadness for what’s gone…
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I so know what you mean, thankyou so much for sharing, I lost my twin brother to suicide five years ago and it still hurts so much…
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I lost all 3 of my grandparents in a year (number 4 died before I was born). My mum’s grandmother was the first to go and I didn’t really grieve at all, cried for about 2 minutes when I found out, and bit at the funeral. That was it, done. To be honest she was 96 and we had all been ‘waiting’ for her to pass for quite some time, so this death was more of a relief than anything.
My other grandmother died in August 2010, a week after a bad break up. Again I wasn’t too sad about that, she had been unwell for quite some time. I was more upset about seeing my grandfather so sad. My tough manly ex-air force grandfather started crying at the funeral which is what set me and my sister into floods of tears. He then died 2 weeks later, which isn’t uncommon I’ve heard. That’s what really threw me. I remember the funeral 3 weeks later at the same place. I was just…numb and emotionless. I didn’t cry, I was just on autopilot and expressionless. Numb. I don’t know if that’s normal or not. It’s been 2 years now, and I only cry very occaisonally. I guess because all my grandparents were old that it wasn’t as much of a tradgedy than say if it were a baby or a young person.
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I lost my grandmother suddenly 17 years ago; to this day, I still can’t recall that time without crying. I can’t even begin to imagine losing a partner, child or parent, but cannot put into words how important it is to help us know what to do and say for those close to us grieving a loss. We don’t know what to say or do, so we say and do nothing. Thanks for giving advice to the “outsiders” who want to help, but don’t know how and are scared to do it.
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One of my most treasured friend’s lost her beautiful boy Brodie last year. He has come to me a couple of times. I tell her because he is still a part of our lives. She is so amazingly gracious in her loss. I’m hugely grateful that our friendship is such that she can tell me when she feels so completely shit and knows I wont freak out. Our lives have all been changed not only because he isnt here anymore, but because we were so lucky to have been able to enjoy him while he was here.
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Thank you so much for this. Reading it kind of gave me permission to feel exactly how I feel … traumatised, and completely slayed by grief. Again. x
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Thanks so much for this post Mia. One of my dearest friends little baby was born sleeping. Unfortunately in the weeks that have passed she has been unable to speak to me as she is overcome by grief and sadness. I’ve been reading blog after blog trying to figure out what to do and in the end I’ve simply done what I my instinct has told me. But I’ve now reached a point where I truly have no idea what to do. I’ve still not spoken with her, I’ve sent a card, messages, tried to call with little back from my grieving friend
. I’m so sad and devastated for her and her husband but i understand that my pity is the last thing she needs.From this piece I’ve realized when she does eventually talk to meI just need to be there for her in the weeks and months to come which I will be. Thanks again, this article gave me some comfort.
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Don’t stop trying x
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And I think this situation is really difficult for outsiders to know what to do/what to say because the loss of a baby is a very lonely grief. Your friends extended network of family and friends would be devastated for her, however they didnt have a relationship with the baby, so they are not also mourning the loss of that relationship themselves.
I think you need to let your friend set the rules here. A card in the mail, flowers, a potplant, a meal left at her doorstep will be appreciated, however she will talk to you again when she is able to. If you have your own children that may also be upsetting for her at the moment.
She’s lucky to have such a caring friend.
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Try searching facebook for a group called “mums like me”, they can give you some tips and advice on how to help your friend. Everybody’s journey is so different, so I can’t tell you that what I wanted is going to be what she wants, but don’t give up on her, she is in a deep hole of despair, and may be needing even medical help.
When she does finally reach out, don’t be afraid to ask her about the baby, she will most likely explode with information and relish being able to speak of her little angel.
Little reminders that you’re still here for her without making it about you are what she will remember in years to come, that you didn’t give up when she needed you most, she just doesn’t realise it yet. You sound like a wonderful and supportive friend. Good luck, sending you strength and love..
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Thanks so much for this post Mia. One of my dearest friends little baby was born sleeping. Unfortunately in the weeks that have passed she has been unable to speak to me as she is overcome by grief and sadness. I’ve been reading blog after blog trying to figure out what to do and in the end I’ve simply done what I my instinct has told me. But I’ve now reached a point where I truly have no idea what to do. I’ve still not spoken with her, I’ve sent a card, messages, tried to call with little back from my grieving friend
. I’m so sad and devastated for her and her husband but i understand that my pity is the last thing she needs.From this piece I’ve realized I just need to be there for her in the weeks and months to come which I will be. Thanks again, this article gave me some comfort.
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Thanks so much for taking the time to write this article Mia. It’s so true and refreshing to have someone talk openly about a topic that many people feel is taboo or don’t talk about for fear of upsetting others. I lost my mum to breast cancer this year and everyday is hard. Coming up to Christmas (being the first one without her here) is especially hard and I find myself constantly getting upset with just missing her endlessly.
It’s so true that we never do “get over it” that we just find ways to cope and remember the good times. I find that keeping reminders of my mum around me and keeping her alive through everything that I do and how I try to help others (how she did) helps me cope.
Thanks again for doing this – it has really helped me (and I’m sure many others)!
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This hit home, hard. My much loved grandmother died in August. She was 90. I knew it would happen, but she went from sprightly and fun-loving to comatose in a few short weeks and it was a horrible thing to witness. She did not deserve such an undignified end to her life.
She loved ginger, so after she moved into the best nursing home on the planet, I would make ginger cookies and cakes and slices for her birthdays and special occasions. She didn’t want any more material possessions, but she loved eating and sharing the homemade treats I brought her.
I picked up a free recipe book from my local supermarket last week, and the first recipe I found was a ginger Christmas cake. I’m glad she’s free of her worn-out body, but oh, I’d love to make her a ginger Christmas cake.
I miss my Nanna. She wasn’t perfect, but she loved me and my kids unconditionally, and was often a shelter in the storm of my life.
I’ve just moved into a new home. I will plant sunflowers in her memory, and the memory of people who’ve lost tiny babies because they were just too perfect for this awful world.
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This a timely post. Thank you. My wife lost her step father this past Tuesday, due to cancer. It was a short 6 month battle. It’s difficult dealing with our own grief as well as helping my mother in law with it. I already knew that grief is never ‘over’, I still grieve for my cat who passed last year, and my wife grieves for her dog who passed (and also approved of me) 5 years ago.
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Grief is not only related to death. The same emotions Can be experienced when a relationship ends, amongst other things. When my ex partner met someone new, it kicked off an emotional rollercoaster that i didnt understand. We had been separated for over a year. But i couldnt stop crying. For 3 weeks. Man, it was hard … To go to work, just to function in the real world. Grief is a real & visceral thing. And its very hard to manage it around others.
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Thank you for the articulate and moving article Mia. I read it with tears rolling down my face, as I am coming out of the shock phase. My beautiful mum died from a horrifying illness 5 weeks ago and the reality has started to sink in. Trying to do normal things is exhausting, and hearing “you look better” and “back to normal” is mystifying and hurtful. Great advice in the comments, thank you.
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Just breathe sweetie, that’s all you need to do right now. One step at a time xo
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My 7 year old son died nearly 4 years ago (yes, I know the exact amount of months and days, but not everyone is that interested), and to this moment, I am grieving. And always will be. But so few people can understand that, or even accept it. This morning, however, I saw a cousin I haven’t seen in a while, and he said “Is it a good day, or a bad one”. Just having someone acknowledge that there are still allowed to be bad days, that I don’t have to hiding grief because of the lapsed time, was so powerful, and loving.
As this wonderful article says, there is no end to grief – if you can let your grieving friends know that you understand that and that you’ll be there for them as long as they might need you to be, then you’ll be giving them a true gift.
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Thank you for a very comforting article. Grief is not just about death or a shock diagnosis, but as I have also found out, can also be about the end of something you thought was forever. A year ago, I went through a horrifying divorce that to this day still haunts me in unexpected ways and sometimes during the most random times. Maybe for me, its because I still havn’t fully dealt with what I went through and that several incidents are just too painful to relive that I’ve blocked them away in the ‘cant deal with right now’ box in my mind.
So many people (including my parents and sibling) were amazed at how well I coped with it at the time, and you are so right in saying that people forget, often at the time when the reality of the situation is just about to sink in. I am waking up with nightmares, of him chasing me, of being trapped and of the worse possible situations that occured during our marriage, and often even awake sobbing uncontrollably, yet have no idea of who to turn to, because I feel most people would expect me to have gotten over it already. I am avoiding those close to me simply because I dont want them to feel I am weak or wonder why I am still unable to move on. The pain I feel today somehow is deeper and even more real than what I felt in the earlier days, possibly because the numbness has finally worn off, yet to me, the rawness of the situation seems to have amplified. Time does heal most things, but with loss, the pain never quite goes away.
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I had the same experience six years ago. The ‘cant deal with right now’ box is there to protect you and you don’t have to deal with anything until you feel ready. Or ever… dragging things out and going over and over them is vastly over-rated. The sharpness of the pain will fade over time, believe me. I suddenly realised early this year that I was no longer compulsively checking every doorlock in the evening as I used to (even though I knew very well that he could kick a door in in a minute or so…) and no longer spent part of every night planning escape routes. So give yourself time. I did go to a psychologist for a year and that helped, I did not want to burden my family and friends with everything that had happened as they would get so angry and upset it would make me feel worse, so consider that. Medicare covers some or all of the cost… This is a different kind of grief, for what should have been and then wasn’t, but it’s no less intense for all that. Keep strong and be proud of yourself!
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I don’t believe in ‘closure’. Life and its gloriousness of sadness, joy, pain, sorry, happiness, despair; these things are all just chapters that are part of our story. Our story makes us who we are and whilst we can move on to another chapter there’s always going to be the preceding chapter. The book only ends when we do. And our children carry on the next volume just as we carried on the next volume of our parents lives.
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There is no closure to grief, but we always have an opening to care x
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“Really Sad Things That Are In The Past” is a good way to put it. However, I’m in an unusually sad, ongoing saga. I lost my leg a little over a year ago. I’m still going through the grieving process, but I’m not getting any support from outside. Some family members say to me, “Oh so you’re better again are you?” No, I’m not better. I’m never going to get better. I’m always going to be an amputee. I am grieving a leg!! and it’s the same emotional tearing at the heart that you feel when you lose a loved whole human being. I know that, from historical events that about 12 months after a death you start to come around. It’s just over 12 months, but because I’ve had so little support, I’m still in a strange place. I also grieved horribly when I lost my uterus. I had an emergency total abdo hysterectomy without ever having had children. The grief I felt then still haunts me now, nearly 20years later. Please remember, when you lose a loved one, the neighbour may be going through their own grieving, for something you know nothing about. They can’t even ASK for support, because it sounds so stupid! Good luck with getting back to your own life, the way I’m trying to get back to mine
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If you have the strength or desire you should write about for a post on MM. It isn’t something that many people would understand. I would like to hear your story. I had a friend of a friend of a friend who lost their leg in a sudden accident. Apparently his leg was taken to the morgue and he needed to go visit it to say goodbye. Completely heart-breaking.
I wish you the best x
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I too would appreciate insight about you losing your leg. My father lost his leg a few years ago and it is a constant struggle between supporting him and keeping his independence, and loving him but copping his anger and frustration. My mother and i constantly straddle the line and often feel at a loss of how to help without offending a proud and intelligent man who is also legally blind and doesn’t open up about his feelings (good or bad).
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This is the exact reason I told my best friend’s sister (who who lives in England) not to come back for the funeral of my friend’s husband, but to come over about a month later.Her Mum and I stayed with my friend until her sister arrived. Her sister then stayed for around 5 weeks, her mum and I for another month after that. My friend didn’t spend a night alone in the house for over 3 months. Almost 10 years later my friend still occasionally thanks me for making those decisions at the time and tells me it was such a comfort to know that someone who loved her was just down the hall. Never underestimate how powerful just being there is.
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I cannot believe the outer strength that Bruce and Denise Morcombe have portrayed to the world, I think their grief would be unfathomable, I sincerely hope they have wonderful people around them who are the soft place to fall that they must surely need.
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I still grieve for the father that I lost when I was only seven. I still grieve for my best friend who passed away a mere two and half years ago.
The sense of loss that I feel for just these two people will be with me until the day that I die. The hurt will still hurt, just a little less with the passing of time.
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Thank you for writing this Mia. I have just shared it on my friend’s fb page. She tragically lost her husband, the love of her life, just over 4 months ago, and I believe she is going through every single stage you wrote about. And I also think everyone surrounding her is struggling with how to help her. xxx
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Your article is exactly how it is. For those who have to spend the time after the death having to fight for justice as with gross medical negligence. In the case such as involved our family, you not only have the dreadful loss but you carry the hurt that your beloved was brutalised unto death (proven) and no one will ever be accountable. No authority such as the police force will investigate even though there are bodies who are supposed to do so. Thy almost never act until many people are injured or killed by the same doctor. As with those who have a relative killed by a criminal, there is the added trauma on knowing that the loved one suffered needlessly. IN my case my husband was aware what they were doing to him and there are flashes of guilt because as he was unable to express himself there were things done to him I did not find out until I began investigation in the years following. Even now five years later I will find myself crying usually in the night or in the shower because I couldn’t stop them and therefore feel complicit. We have flashbacks which play over and over…I will share your article with my sister who as well lost her husband and is grieving. I finally wrote a book about what was done in our case http://www.withoutduecare.com and I draw a small comfort from having done that.
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There are still many, many days that I find it hard to come to terms with the fact I will never, in this life, see my beloved mother again or meet my two little grandangels, Lucas & Thomas. This article is a beautifully written piece on dealing with grief and helping others to deal with it.
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There never is ‘closure’. You adapt and get on with life but the grief is always there. Great article Mia
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Congratulations on a great article about a very difficult subject. You’ve really summed up the grief journey very well. There is such a loneliness about grief and you never ‘get over it’ or ‘get back to “normal”‘, in fact, your life is never quite the same again.
I really enjoyed reading your article and I hope a lot of people gain an understanding of what people experience when they are grieving. It’s one of those things that you’ll never really understand, until you’ve been there.
Thank you for sharing this.
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True this.
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Everyone deals with grief in their own way. The fact that ” life goes on” was something that helped me
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