food

I tried following Kourtney Kardashian’s keto diet for a week, and it was... hell.

Kourtney Kardashian and I have a few things in common.

We both have dark hair, we both have sisters, we’re both human (presumably) and, uh, that’s about it.

When she shared her keto diet on her website Poosh, I realised we are VERY different when it comes to food. Her meal plan includes a lot of fat and protein, fancy supplements, barely any carbs, no grains, no root vegetables and basically no fun.

Speaking of diets… Brigid Delaney tried the 101 Day Detox Diet so you don’t have to. Post continues after video.

So because it’s 2019, I’m a masochist and this is what we do on the internet now, I decided I had to try it.

Day one

I kick off the week with Kourtney’s signature smoothie, which basically consists of a WHOLE AVOCADO blended with coconut milk and stevia. 

avocado keto
How I feel about avocado smoothies.

She also adds MCT oil and bone broth, but I can’t afford those things  opt for some chia seeds instead. The avocado gives it a nice creamy texture and it’s filling, but the taste is just… blegh.

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For lunch she has a protein-based ‘chef salad’ (whatever that is) with a base of mixed greens and egg whites. I’m vegetarian so I opt for spinach, kale and tempeh drizzled in olive oil. It feels wrong to be eating egg white and no yolks, but I’m surprisingly full afterwards??

keto
My 'protein based salad'.

By the time dinner rolls around I am STARVING and want something hearty, but I am supposed to keep my meal ‘really clean and simple’. According to Kourtney, this means a protein (tofu for me) and cauliflower rice to ‘kind of trick my brain and make me feel like I’m eating some carbs’. 

Spoiler: It does not work.

Day two

I wake up hungry. I make the avocado smoothie, this time adding some protein powder. Kourtney includes blue-green algae into her smoothies, and her go-to brand can be purchased for the very reasonable price of $124.90 for a 6-pack! Hahahahaha, no.

I use a $5 ‘greens powder’ from the supermarket. It’s gross. 

Later in the morning I feel a little nauseous and dizzy. I begin wondering if this is what low blood sugar feels like. There are cupcakes in the office, so I decide I better have one in order to prevent a medical emergency. 

After my thrilling dinner of cauliflower rice and tofu, I eat some sugar free dark chocolate. It has less than 1 gram of carbs per serve so I tell myself Kourtney would allow it.

keto
Cauliflower rice and tofu.
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Day three

I’m very sluggish but I do notice my stomach looks a little flatter than usual. I think I can almost see an... ab?

I make the stupid smoothie again and contemplate making a joke about avocados and never being able to afford a house, but frankly my carb-deprived brain is not up to it. I go to the gym and feel tired and weak. 

avo smoothie
No.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner pass uneventfully. I’m surprisingly full, but I miss grains. And bananas. And potatoes. And happiness.

I go to bed early, exhausted.

Day four

I’m short on time this morning, so I buy a ‘keto smoothie’ for breakfast from the café next to my gym. And look, it’s fine. But if I’m forking out $10 on one beverage, I want it to be better than fine. I’m grumpy.

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Kourtney tries not to snack between meals, but if she is really hungry, she will have tea, nuts or bone broth. I drink approximately 100000 cups of green tea and eat 12 pecans. They do not fill me up.

keto-friendly-but-it-tastes-ok
Thank God for this earlier in the week. Not actually sure if keto friendly but tastes okay.

After dinner I notice Poosh has shared a recipe for ‘coconut butter keto cups’ so I obviously have to make them. They’re not great, but I still eat them. I don’t even like coconut. I don’t know who I am anymore.

Day five

I don’t know if it’s because my body has adjusted or if it’s because I know this is the last day of this stupid challenge, but I barely feel hungry at all. I do, however, feel tired, weak and grumpy all day. I proceed to pick two fights with my sister over nothing ¯\_()_/¯

I go through the motions: make the smoothie, eat the salad, force down tofu and broccoli, and celebrate the end of the day by eating a coconut butter keto cup.

I then sleep for 10 hours.

Final thoughts

Look. I’ll admit this diet was not the worst. Boring and repetitive, yes, but the food was fine and surprisingly filling.

The downside? I felt constantly lethargic, grumpy and stopped enjoying or looking forward to food. I felt less bloated, yes, but also less happy. I missed normal food, normal smoothies, and feeling a bit leaner just was not worth the restriction.

Because it turns out - unsurprisingly - that almost everything tastes better than skinny feels. 

For more from Jessica Bahr, you can follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

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