ASK CHANTELLE: My boyfriend really wants to have anal...Is it messy? Does everyone do it?

Mamamia's Ask Chantelle series is a pervy Q&A session with Psycho-Sexologist Chantelle Otten. Think about all the sex questions you've wanted answers for, but have been too shy to ask. Nothing is too embarrassing, kinky or wild for Chantelle. Honestly, we've all probably wondered the same thing too. This week, one woman wants to know all about anal sex. And, if you have a sex question you want answered, email

My boyfriend really wants to have anal and I'm terrified. I've heard horror stories. Is it scary? It is...messy? Is it something everyone does?

Chantelle says:

First of all, of course, you should only do something if you're 100 per cent comfortable with it. If you're not, you need to tell you boyfriend how you feel.

But if you do decide to give it a go, there is nothing to fear! People love telling horror stories over pleasure stories, but I am going to teach you how to make anal sex smooth, safe and sexy.

Firstly, it's essential to know some basic anatomy. 

Watch: How to have better sex. Post continues below. 

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Everyone's anus is equipped with a bunch of sensitive nerve endings, making the experience feel different from vaginal sex. And every anus has an internal and an external sphincter, which controls the poo exiting the body. 


The inner sphincter moves involuntarily to keep the poop in, while the external is voluntary (you control whether it relaxes or tenses). 

Now, sex should never be painful (unless it is consensual and kinky), and if it is, we need to reassess the actions being taken. 

For people who feel like anal sex is too intense, they are unaware of the internal sphincter, which is a little hidden barrier, and if it isn't relaxed, it may make anal uncomfortable or too intense. 

So what needs to happen for your first time having anal (or anytime having anal), is that you must be relaxed in the body and mind so that all these internal protectors can welcome you in.  

Now, is it messy?

A lot of the time, no. So there is no need to worry about something that may not happen at all. 

Avoid anal if you have an upset stomach or feel bloated, but also accept that accidents may just happen! And that's totally normal. 

Sex is messy in general, that's what makes it so real, so don't be too hard on yourself if something goes wrong. Just have baby wipes nearby, wipe down, shower off and have a cuddle.

For optimal anal experience, I recommend the following steps:

1. Let's drop that body and that mind into relaxation.

Anal sex and being tense is not going to work. 

It's important to spend some quality self-care time relaxing. Having a hot Epson bath or shower, meditating and asking for a sensual massage to drop you into the experience. 


I always think it's good to have a sexy playlist going to set the mood. And if you feel like your anal muscles are too tight, you can do a reverse kegel for the backdoor! 

Pull the butt muscles up towards your belly button, then release them. 

2. Communication is key. 

Make sure your partner is aware that you are nervous and discuss how to take it slow. 

They can give you a full body massage, for example, touch around the external part of the anus and communicate about how it feels. 

With all types of sexual interactions, you should be discussing before and during the activity. Especially about any hesitations, you feel and then the speed, depth and movements of the activity. 

When your partner is playing with that area, get them to tell you what they are doing, because you don't want any surprises!

3. Have a bath or hot shower first to wash off the day and clear your head! 

Plus your muscles will be nice and relaxed.

4. Start with foreplay, and heaps of it. 

The more aroused you get, the more comfortable your internal sphincter muscles will be. 

I always believe that having a clitoral vibrator in your hands and on your clit at the same time is the best way to have anal sex. 

Use heaps of lubricant, because the anus does not produce natural lubricant like the vagina does. The more lube… the better! If using a condom or a toy in the anus, you need a water-based lube.

 If it is skin on skin, then an excellent silicone lube.

5. Positions! 

Try you on top so you can control the depth and the speed of penetration


Doggy style is always great, or with a few pillows under your hips and bent over them so your partner can easily control their depth

Spooning is also wonderful, especially if one leg is cocked to the side and you can hold your vibrator on your vulva for extra pleasure 

6. Remember to breathe into the exercise and try to relax the anal muscles. 

The less you breathe, the more tense your body, pelvic floor and anus will be, making it difficult to penetrate and painful. You don't need that!

7. Again, slow down. 

Take your time, have external anal play before anything lubricated goes in your back door. When you are being penetrated, it must be slow and gentle, find the position that works for you. 

8. Don't have a goal in mind.

This is just for fun and pleasure and can be an amazing experience when mastered. I will reiterate that using a clitoral vibrator is the key to intense anal and orgasmic pleasure!

Chantelle Otten is Australia’s leading Psycho-Sexologist who is passionate about empowering people to feel great about their sexual health, self-esteem, communication and education. With a background in scientific research, sexual medicine, and counselling, she believes that sexuality and self-esteem are an integral part of life, which everyone is entitled to. Good sexual health should always be enjoyable, pain free and without prejudice.

Chantelle is the director of the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine, where she and her team of sexologists work to positively change the sexual lives of the Australian’s, also using her social media to spread sexual empowerment to all.