sex

Kinky toys and better foreplay: 'How we're suddenly having our best sex ever after 10 years.'

When it comes to long-term relationships, what does it really take to go the distance?

In our Intimacy Stories series, Mamamia chats to three couples about how they stay connected after decades together, even when you throw children, stressful work and mortgages into the mix.

Presented in three parts, our second couple disclose that since getting married and exploring their kinky sides, their sex life is hotter than ever.

Want to have better sex? Watch this video as former high-class escort Samatha X explains how to. Post continues below.

Video via Mamamia

Mel and Adam* – together 10 years with one child.

A casual fling with no secrets turned out to be a great start for Mel and Adam, who married this year after a decade together.

“Adam was very open with me about the number of women he was sleeping with when we met,” Mel says. “His honesty was one of the things that initially attracted me to him. I loved that our relationship developed very gradually and there was no pressure. After about 18 months we became exclusive.”

Mel believes that this open style of communication set them on the right path from the beginning.

“This has been so important, especially after we had our daughter two years ago.”

Mel admits that while they are a very affectionate and loving couple, neither of them has a high sex drive. But after they got married this year, their sex life suddenly improved.

“There was something about having sex with ‘his wife’ that turned Adam on. I also felt more confident after getting married as we were now in a committed relationship. It had a positive effect on our sexual intimacy.”

This new-found confidence led Mel to attend a ‘Pure Romance’ party at a friend’s house.

“I bought a few sexy items including some ‘date night’ cards which included questions to get us talking. Things like, ‘How do you feel about phone sex?’ and ‘What about role play?’ Then there were instructions to ‘make out for one minute’ or ‘go down on your partner for one minute’. So that really spiced up our foreplay.”

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With their toddler tucked up in bed, the couple had a lot of fun using the cards as part of an adult date night at home.

“We would stay up playing them for a couple of hours instead of falling asleep in front of the television. I think for long-term couples it can be hard to talk about some of this very intimate stuff after years together, so it took that pressure away and made it into a game.”

After attending another adult party, Mel bought a number of different sex toys they could use in the bedroom together.

“The first time we tried a sex toy we laughed because it was so different and let’s be honest, sex can be very funny! We persisted and I’m glad we did as now we both get a lot of pleasure from using the toys.

“A favourite at the moment is a constriction ring or ‘cock ring’. It makes him look bigger and last longer. It also vibrates so it stimulates us both at the same time.”

Ultimately the pair know that it is their deep friendship and connection that has helped them stay together for as long as they have.

“We can fight and snap at each other of course, but if one does, the other normally has the insight to say, ‘Are you okay?’ And we talk about it.”

“The sex might be hot right now but we both know it will come and go. The friendship and love will be there forever.”

What differentiates the good sex from the bad? And how do you tell your partner you want a threesome? In Mamamia’s sex podcast, Sealed Section, former escort Samatha X explains. Post continues below.

Psychologist and founding director of The Relationship Room in Sydney, Rachel Voysey had this to say about couples who want to spice up their sex life:

Initiate conversations.

It can be hard to talk to your partner about sex and what you like and dislike or want to try. The playful cards used by this couple are a great way to start the conversation. It turns something quite serious into a game that you can approach together.

You don’t need to go to an adult party to find them either. You could try making up your own or check out some similar ones available online from the Gottman Institute.

The less sex you have, the less you want.

While there may be times you have a low sex drive (after babies, during menopause etc.) it is true that the less sex you have, the less you want.

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If you are trying to kick start your sex life again, sometimes you just need to begin slowly. The cards are one option but you could approach it even more simply.

You could try just kissing for a few minutes one night, or lying naked together in bed and cuddling. Even just holding hands or giving each other a massage. Place no pressure on each other to go any further and just see if you become aroused.

Good friends have more sex.

In my experience, couples like Mel and Adam who are good friends, have more sex.

It sounds pretty basic but it is surprising how many couples struggle to fight their way through the logistics of parenting, work and managing the house to keep their connection to each other as human beings.

Take the time to kiss each other goodbye in the morning, hold hands and be physically close to each other. Couples that do these simple things regularly, as well as spending time together laughing and having fun, tend to like each other more and always have better sex!

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons. The photo used is a stock image.

Part 3 of Mamamia’s Intimacy stories will be published next week. You can read part 1 here.

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