By JAMILA RIZVI
“We’ve been offered an interview with Kim Kardashian when she’s in Sydney” says Mia with absolutely no excitement in her voice.
I immediately jump on my pseudo-intellectual high horse: “Who is this woman anyway? I don’t get why she’s even famous. I know there is a TV show about her life and she endorses just about every diet product on the planet but WHY does she do these things? What did she ever do that means I am supposed to care about her in the first place!”
“Great. You can ask her yourself. Interview is all yours,” responds my boss.
I don’t want to mislead; I am in no way a reality television snob. America’s Next Top Model is my ultimate guilty pleasure viewing (Tyra Banks be fierce y’all) but the Kardashians have somehow failed to register on my interest radar.
So I cannot describe to you how much I was dreading this interview. After moaning audibly to anyone who would listen, several of our interns provided me with Kim Kardashian Cheat Sheets. And on reflection, actually reading one of those may have proved useful…
Alas. Here is how it all went down:
I was instructed to arrive at the Sheraton on the Park at 3.40pm. My interview would be at 3.55pm but “you need to arrive early to make sure everything stays on schedule”. Kim is very busy. I will not be allowed to film the interview. I will not be allowed to take photographs during the interview.
There is even a sentence that I am ‘strongly encouraged’ to include in my article: The new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians premieres every Tuesday night at 8:30pm AEST only on E! channel 121 on FOXTEL.
Tick that one off the list.
I have been allotted 8 minutes in Ms Kardashian’s presence and was permitted to ask her about: “the current season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians on E!, as well as her relationship with Quick Trim and the other product lines and endorsements that have made her not only one of the world’s most recognised women, but also a respected businesswomen.”
Righto. So ‘why exactly are you famous?’ is probably not on the list of permitted questions. I also shouldn’t ask about her famous boyfriend Kanye West. It really is a very Fawlty Towers-esque ‘don’t mention the war’ scenario.
When I arrive at the Sheraton, I am greeted and ushered upstairs by the world’s happiest women. No joke. You know those girls on Carefree advertisements who dance around in their underwear, stop to smell the flowers and are all smiley and glowing because their period is due? Them.
They’re thrilled to have Kim here in Sydney because she is Just. So. Nice. They inform me that Kim has had an utterly exhausting 19-hour flight but is the consummate professional and required no rest before her afternoon of answering questions about E! Television and diet shakes.
Now that is actually quite impressive. Perhaps this is why Kim is famous? The amazing jet-lag-less woman?
The PR types and I are making casual chit-chat about my awesome boots when Kim herself appears. Kim is casually agreeable “yeah, they’re nice” she says. To which I respond “I KNOW, only $25 at Rubi shoes, everyone in our whole office bought them…” before trailing off, realising that this multimillionaire might not actually care about my bargain buy.
My first thought is that Kim is teensy-tiny. I feel a like a giant standing next to her even though I’m a fairly average height of 5 ft 6. Then Kim holds out her hand for me to shake. And I pause – wracked with fear.