You’ve done it.
You’ve gotten home after a few Savignon Blancs with the gals and bought an Oroton bag on ebay, haven’t you?
You’ve stalked a pair of shoes online, not purchasing, just looking, until they STALKED you back on every fricking website ad until you relented.
You possibly know the ASOS courier on a first-name basis and they possibly have your address saved under “favourites”.
There’s no judgement here, angels. Because secret shopping is an art form and something which Australians do a heck of a lot of.
Last year, website finder.com.au revealed that Australians spend 11.3 billion on purchases a YEAR that they don’t tell their partners about.
Listen to Monique Bowley talk about secret shopping on this episode of OutLoud: Post continues.
Here’s the surprising part: even though men spend three times the amount that women do (an average of $4596 a year, and mostly on porn and gambling, what a shock) and women spend a measly $1476 (on clothes and food. The two most important things), us ladyfolk are MORE likely to hide our purchases.
This is something that Mamamia OutLoud host Monique Bowley knows a lot about.
So much so, she’s even developed the definitive guide to sneaky online shopping.
Here are the tips, poppets. Write them down and then eat the piece of paper and swallow it to leave no evidence behind.
1. Never get stuff posted to your house.
It’s REALLY hard to try and convince your partner that the enormous pink box marked "PETERS OF KENSINGTON" is actually just a big, elaborate piece of junk mail. Get your shit sent to work, to your mum's house, to your sister's, to a friend. NEVER get it sent home.
2. Take it out of the original bag.
Evidence be gone. Slip it into one of those green shopping bags or stuff the contraband into your backpack and no one will suspect you just dropped half your house deposit on shoes.
3. Wear it nonchalantly.
It's SO tempting to throw on your new frock/watch/shoes and twerk/jig because you love yourself sick. But you need to be like Julia Roberts in that Ocean's Eleven casino heist movie with George Clooney. You know she wants to burst inside. You know she wants to flip a lid. But instead, her demeanour remains calm. BE JULIA.
Develop an air of "oh this? whatever" about you, like you've been wearing it for about two decades. Practice an incredulous look of "but, I wore this to your mother's house/to the pub/to that other event, like, two months ago!".
4. Divert. Divert. Divert.
At some point, someone will say "is that new?" and you will not flinch, you will not break, you will not reveal your magic. Instead, you will divert attention. Like a magician's slight of hand, you simply say: "Who wants PIZZA for dinner?"
Or, depending on how much you spent, sagely say: "Darling... we need to talk... about us".
What do you do?
Listen to the latest episode of Mamamia OutLoud here:
What do you do?
You can buy any book mentioned on our podcasts from iBooks at apple.co/mamamia, where you can also subscribe to all our other shows in one place.