In hindsight, attendees at Goop's $8000 retreat think they might have been... ripped off.

The Kimpton Fitzroy hotel in London is on the swanky side.

A 5-star 19th century building with modern interiors and rooms so lush we’d cough up a lung to grace the marble free-standing bath with our presence.

It costs $1,788 a night as part of the Goop in Health wellness retreat package.

So it must be damn lushness personified in room form. Yes?

Kimpton Fitzroy
We're assuming there be some secret things imbedded and infused in all the things to make it worth....$1788 p/n. Image: Kimpton Fitzroy

After settling in and sleeping like the queen of Goop herself (Gwyneth Paltrow) on crisp white Kimpton-y sheets that we can only guess are laced with some rare thread from a near extinct silkworm, it's time to start day one of Goop's first ever UK wellness weekend.

By 08:30am, attendees were up and eating buckwheat pancakes topped with candied pistachios and a cold-pressed juice, with a matcha drink in a can as a chaser.

Did we mention it costs, ahem, $8000 AUD to attend this two night long Gwyneth Paltrow infused event?

Here's Gwyny talking Goop. Post continues after video.

Video via NBC

You'll be pleased to hear the freebies were a plenty - and included Goop leggings, a workout top, digestive tea and some menstrual cups.

Price? Unclear. But again, we hope these items are silk or possibly gold laced.

At the opening ceremony everyone was also handed a healing crystal. We'll just let that sink in.

The ceremony involved a lot of breathing... a practitioner of breath work showed the Goopies (as they're known) how to "make intentions while thinking about what would help Mother Earth".


Then it was time for the Queen herself to chat all things Goop before setting her Goopies free to explore a series of talks, workshops and PT sessions at the fancy waterfront workshop space in Hammersmith, London.

They learnt how to massage their face by a facialist who charges $625 a session, were treated to infrared gemstone therapy, and learnt all about "hydrating mindfully", the power of "visualising their archetypal mother", and the fact that "our fear of being raped comes from our second chakras".

Penelope Cruz even rocked up to talk about hormones and being perimenopausal.

In goop Health London 2019
Penelope Cruz even rocked up. That's got to be worth a chunk of the money right? Image: Darren Gerrish/WireImage)

The whole weekend was basically the above on repeat.

I mean, we could definitely go some candied pistachios right about now, but we're not sure the above is worth eight thousand dollars of our monies.

Apparently, we're not the only ones.

"Gwyneth Paltrow is a f**cking extortionist," one particularly angry Goopie told Page six.

Many of them went online post-event to find out the rooms they paid close to $2000 a night for, can be snapped up for as cheap as $400 online through booking.com.

One attendee told Page Six: “Gwyneth acts like she’s a health goddess, but actually she’s a pretentious, greedy extortionist. She had a ton of security [and] she was unapproachable.

"She did the minimum, a few fireside chats with Twiggy and Penelope Cruz, then she put on her Birkenstocks and snuck out... I was a huge fan of Gwyneth; now I feel like I have lost my faith in God.”

Goop has come out to say the weekend was actually worth about $11,000 per person, so in other words a #steal.

So, if any of the 250-odd Goopies who we presume are now crying into their now empty bank accounts are reading this, repeat after us:

My weekend away with Gwny was practically a steal.

My weekend away with Gwny was practically a steal.

My weekend away with Gwny was practically a steal.